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OPEN LETTER TO MILA KUNIS (request for an interview)


I don't ask for much out of my pointless and unnecessarily long life. I ask for simple things, really. World peace, meals catered by Wolfgang Puck, comfortable sex, rain that lasts for exactly two minutes and no less. Simple things!

Well, one of my biggest dreams would be to interview you. You know thoughts of Marion haven't entered my head since I saw you in that ballet apeshit film I'm going to see 900 times once it comes to the dollar theater and when I SAY things like "I'M THE SWAN QUEEN, YOU'RE THE ONE THAT NEVER LEFT THE COURT" when my mom asks me how I'm getting to a job interview across town during a snowstorm....well, they'll make more sense.

I know you have a good heart. How could you not! Beautiful people are almost ALWAYS beautiful on the inside as well as the outside. I mean duh, look at Ted Bundy (just saying). I know you will hear my plea (or rather read it right) and be like omg maybe I should just give into this girl because she's not creepy or a stalker AT ALL (I'm not! I'm not!)

and maybe just grant her this small favor. I mean, you're not Taylor Swift, right? or Lissie? at least Lykke's publicist got back to me!

so I have no idea how to get a hold of you. I know Natalie and me like play chess and have sex and make sushi together (notcodeforanythingjesuschrist) in my dreams but dreams are different in reality. by the way, Mila, I totally dreamt this midget stripper was chewing on my vagina last night. and I was like "you tiny bitch, maybe you should actually do something with your teeth instead of trying to eat me like a human nacho chip."

MILA, CAN YOU PLEASE GRANT ME AN INTERVIEW? I love you; I might like touch your hair for five seconds. And that's not weird! I mean you'll be at the Oscars on Sunday with Amy Adams presenting an award and I really do think you should have been nominated. how stupid is the Academy have you see Melissa Leo's ads WHAT A HO I know you wouldn't do that bb I know.

I also know you love Star Trek. I don't really care about this show, but I have access to Wikipedia so I can learn.

Well Mila I hope I piqued your interest! I didn't ask for a date I asked for an interview THIS IS NOT CREEPY THIS IS JUST SHOW BUSINESS

I mean I could be this dude.

waiting for your response


p.s. I don't think Anne Hathaway and James Franco will suck anymore! they have impressed me!


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