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THE NEW MAYER HAWTHORNE HAS MADE MY SOUL WET

I just paraphrased a poet there:  Neruda, maybe? Anyway, I’m at a Dunkin Donuts with no wifi. This raises the question:  WHAT KIND OF DUNKIN DONUTS HAS NO WIFI?

Moving onto Point B, I’ve got to tell you, if the new Mayer Hawthorne How Do You Do doesn’t satisfy you on some sexual level then you might want to check between your legs because I sincerely doubt you have genitals. !!! And that’s disconcerting to ME because I CARE ABOUT YOU.

Deeply.

Mayer Hawthorne sings like some old soul god- some Motown standard with a voice meant to turn cement into honey. And he’s just a bespectacled white boy from Detroit, of all places, which I guess gives him some air of credibility. I mean, Motown! Rust Belt! Eight Mile!

The first time I encountered him was last year, when I saw his picture on the internet. And I was like WHO IS THIS MAN. From there, it began. More or less, when I heard the reggae version of “Maybe So, Maybe No.” I was really surprised to find I liked it because neosoul wasn’t my bag, yet. To paraphrase James Brown, sort of.

Since then, my love (and perhaps clitorial erections, as a result) of this man have only amplified. There are like five men in the world I want to have do hideous things to me- four, Jeff Buckley’s really, really dead y’all- and he is on that list. !!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!

!!!!!!!! I’ve lost the ability to type a complete thought. Hold on while I cross my legs.
“The Walk” is the lead single of the album and it sounds like something straight off classic AM radio when people used to listen to classic AM radio. Then you hear the fact he’s swearing left and right and you’re like SHIT, THEY’D KEEP THIS OFF THE RADIO. Censors!

But seriously. Give that song a few listens and it will get in your head. Ticking away.

OKAY, I CAN’T HANDLE THIS STUPID COFFEE SHOP ANYMORE. I’M MOVING ON WITH MY LIFE.

Back! I went to the park. In the meantime, I got a manicure and totally walked in on some new Fox show with James Van Der Beek (DAWSON) that’s filming in Greenwich Village. I don’t get why everything in the universe has to be filmed there.

Back to Mayer, though. Don’t all roads lead there? All beautiful roads? Also I am outside and it is FREEZING. 



Mom, if you read this, I NEED MY PEACOAT PLEASE SEND IT

Anyway, Mayer has this gift- talent, knack, whatever- for making a song that sounds so sensual and hot and D.H. Lawrence appropriate be filled with some pretty tongue-in-cheek lyrics. Example, “You Called Me." I was going to copy and paste lyrics, but we won't bother with that.

"Can't Stop" is hands down my favorite, however. The production is top of the line and SNOOP DOGG IS IN IT. it's like a 1990s r and b fuck jam, let's call it that. Yes. It's a fuck jam. '


But let's be honest with each other, I probably have a song with Snoop Dogg I don't know about.

The only thing about Mayer that has ever bothered me- GOD I AM THIS CLOSE TO BUYING A TICKET TO THAT TERMINAL FIVE SHOW- is his attempts at slow songs. I am not a fan, at all. They come off way too saccharine for me. Like, just talk in that low voice, Mayer. Keep going. No, don't pussy out on me. GODDAMMIT MAYER.

Is it a real departure from his first album? Not really. I think it's a lot better, though. And perfect for the autumn. Or sex. Or both and then some!

rating:  seven out of nine orgasms


How Do I Do? QUITE WELL THANKS

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