Double the Dexter, Double the Death

Hello internet friends! It’s true, you weren’t having a fever dream. There was no Dexter recap last week. I was a little busy being awesome in New York City. But if I’m anything, it’s dependable (LOL), so I’m giving you two Dexter recaps in one! Enough of my prattling, let’s get this shit started!

Episode 3: Buck the System (aka Are You There, Minotaur? It's Me, Dexter.)

Full disclosure: I thought it would be a good idea to watch this episode late at night. I’m not saying it’s particularly scary, just that I might not know what was real and what I dreamed up. And away we go! Wait, no, I just looked at my notes for “Buck the System” and they look like the SCUM Manifesto...look it up, I’m not linking to it, and I know you bitches don’t get it.

Dexter is mailing the Ice Truck Killer mannequin hand (long story) and he’s having bad thoughts. Like stabbing-his-co-workers-in-the-neck thoughts. He’s asked to get a DNA swab from a dirty hippie prisoner, and when the hippie pisses him off, Dexter strangles his patchouli ass.

Dexter has serial killer cabin fever. Deb slaps him on the shoulder and tells him to buck up, pardner. Okay, maybe not exactly, but she tells him to tough through his urges that he’s had all his life. Good strategy, Deb!

In the meantime, Dex does research on a new target, a meat head named Ray who got away with murdering some girls. Oh, and in his mugshot, is it just me, or was Ray wearing a bald cap? Dexter also notices the one dead girl’s earring is missing. Don’t worry, that will make sense later.

Over in Quinntown, population: asshole, Quinn talks to Nadja some more, and that dead stripper had a bracelet or something. Color me not invested whenever Quinn is on the screen. I also wrote in my notes “Quinn tries to be clever.” I have no idea why I would ever write that.

After that, Isaac and the Foxhole gang bring Nadja in for a talk. Seems there is a GPS in that aforementioned bracelet, and that’s how they’re going to find Viktor. They’re using Nadja to get info from Quinn, I think. There’s also some menacing character development to Isaac. Something about opera. The point is that Miami Metro doesn’t have the bracelet. I’m also wondering if us viewers should be privy to all this?

Shortly after, Isaac gets his tech guy to triangulate the GPS location. Seems Viktor’s body was dumped out at sea. Isaac wants tech guy to find out where the body was dumped from. After a bit, they pinpoint the same marina where Dexter keeps his boat. Coincidence?Heavens no!

Elsewhere, Matsuka and Lewis are hanging out in the Miami Metro with Dexter, when a mysterious package arrives. Matsuka opens it to find the ITC mannequin hand, with a note attached implicating Lewis in its sale on Ebay. And just like that, Lewis is fired!

But wait! When Lewis gets back to his place, he finds Jamie watching one of Lewis’ video blogs; the one where he’s getting a blowjob from a hooker. He tries to cover by saying it was from before they were dating, but Jamie recognizes the shirt he’s wearing in the video because she bought it for him. And like a pro, Lewis says “It’s not cheating if you pay for it.” Real classy, Lewis. Needless to say, he and Jamie are no longer an item.

Back to our main story: Remember that prisoner that jumped in front of a bus last episode? Wayne? No? Well then you have a terrible memory. Anyhoo, his mom shows up with some of his personal effects for some reason—oh right, they’re trying to find the bodies of his victims which may or may not exist. This is really just so Dexter can meet Wayne’s ex, Hannah, another skinny, pretty, blonde. Dexter definitely does have a type.

I did enjoy all the shits she didn't give.

But first, Deb follows Dex after work that night, and finds him on the hunt for Ray. She overreacts in typical Deb fashion. Dexter is sure Ray is going to kill again, and soon. Deb is freaking out, and needs proof because Lieutenant. He agrees to find proof of Ray’s guilt before killing him.

Next morning, Dexter follow Ray to his job at the cemetery. Ray is hiding something in one of the old mausoleums, and Dex goes to investigate but he gets called back to work by the old ball-and-chain.

Angel and Dexter go to see Hannah to ask her some questions about her time as a low-rent Natural Born Killer with Wayne. But before that, Angel brings Dex to the Foxhole to do something something...look, it’s just a way for Dexter to inadvertently meet Russian crime lord Isaac. 

So that happened.

But wait, wait! Remember Isaac found the location of the marina? Well after he meets Dexter, he and his men go to the marina and find Dexter’s boat (“Slice of Life”). And who should they find there but none other than Lewis. He’s attempting to sabotage the boat, muttering to himself like a crazy person. After some whimpering by Lewis where he spills the beans—it’s Dexter’s boat, he works at Miami Metro—they shoot him in the head.

After I wreck his boat, I'm going to live a long, full, happy life...

Let me just reiterate that last statement. They fucking killed Lewis. Thank you! I want to kiss the writer(s) of this episode for that fact alone. Kiss with tongue.

Hannah is brash and really couldn’t care less why they want a DNA swab from her (even I’m a little unclear on that). Dexter is uncommonly flustered around her. Or maybe he just needs to get laid (don’t we all?).

Later that evening, Dexter breaks into Ray’s mausoleum and finds the evidence he needs (the earring, remember from a few paragraphs ago). He gets a voicemail from Deb informing him that she’s gone to Ray’s house and is snooping about. And with good reason; seems Ray fancies himself as some sort of modern Minotaur, complete with horns, S&M gear and a barbed-wire labyrinth. He’s listening to some heavy metal, strobe lights flashing, and chasing some bimbo.

Okay, okay, and the whole look is a little sexy. What? It totally is.

Oh, let’s just give this recap the equivalent of blue balls by throwing in an obligatory Quinn scene. He’s on a date with Nadja, and she tells him about the plot to find out if Miami Metro did or didn’t have a bracelet. Oh, and something about dog-walking. And Quinn screws Najda. I know you all feel better having known that tidbit.

In Soviet Russia, dog walks you! Or, pole grinds on you. I've got far too many.

Anyfuckingway, Deb breaks into Ray’s house and promptly loses her gun in a patch of barbed-wire while being attacked by Minotaur Ray. Hilarity ensues! Not really. I just wanted to say that. Dexter comes to the rescue, but Ray escapes, and the bimbo is dead. Sorry, bimbo!

In the aftermath, Deb has a not-at-all forced reaction to it all; she understands now. She gives Dexter permission to live at his home again, where I’m sure his son is nothing more that a bag of bones. Seriously, where is that kid?

Read on for my recap of episode four!

Episode 4: Run (aka The Shoes are Motherfucking Off, Just Like on Maury)

And here we are at episode four! Dex and Matsuka go over Ray’s mausoleum “office” but they don’t find a shred of DNA evidence. 

Surprisingly, Matsuka didn't make a "horny" reference here.

As this is happening, Deb is taking a bath with a beer (I am a strong supporter of having a bath/shower beer), and has a nightmare wherein the tub fills with blood and Dexter appears. asking her to prom, or something. That’s also one of the dangers of tub drinking: blood-filled nightmares. Hmmm, a girl in a bathtub full of blood. Where have we seen that before?

At Miami Metro in the morning, Deb puts more of the puzzle that is Dexter together. She asks him about the Trinity killer, and Dex confirms that the killer both murdered Rita and was in turn murdered by Dexter himself. Dex rationalizes it as him trying to protect his family. Deb asks him if he ever really loved Rita. Ouch, Deb. Harsh.

Guess who they found in the meantime? Ray! He’s in an interview room. It took four officers to take him down, cause he was roid-raging out of his mind (I’m guessing). But since they couldn’t find any DNA or ID him (he was wearing that bull mask, remember?) they need a confession. I always appreciate scenes where the characters get to shine, and both Angel ad Deb do a fantastic job of playing good cop/bad cop (more like disgruntled cop/bitchy cop), and they get an enraged confession easily.

Over at the Foxhole, Isaac and his cronies do some research on Dexter. The Foxhole manager (who I will now refer to as Not Isaac) wonders if Viktor’s death was payback for killing that detective, and that Viktor was a loose fucking cannon. Makes sense, right?

Wrong, asshole! Isaac says, yes, Viktor was a loose cannon, but he kept those pesky Colombians off the Russians’ turf. And that’s a hard job, what with all their Colombian marching powder.

Miami Metro shows up again, this time it’s Quinn and Lady Detective. Quinn flirts with Nadja and Lady Detective says “do not tell me you’re fucking her.” Who is this lady? She sure is sassy. Not Isaac tries to bribe Quinn, just like old times, but Quinn has a sudden bout of steadfastness. After the raid is over, Isaac gets the brilliant idea to frame bartender Alex.

After getting the confession from Ray, Dex wants to know if Deb wants to get a drink and celebrate. Deb does not, seeing as how she’s still on the whole “Rita’s dead because Dexter is a selfish prick” thing. She wants him to send Harrison away to live with his grandparents, because Dexter is a “bad shit magnet.” Doesn’t help that she’s right. Dexter retorts the only mistake he’s made was not killing Trinity the first time. He’s in control. Yeah, and if ifs and buts were candies and nuts, we’d all have a bathtub filled with blood. Or something.

In one of the more terrifying scenes this season, Isaac and Not Isaac visit Alex’s house. Isaac asks him about his wife and kids back in Russia; seems Alex sends them a few hundred bucks a month, which, according to Isaac, is not a lot of money (someone look up the dollar to whatever kind of currency they use in Russia—bread and shoes?—exchange rate.) But what if Alex’s family could have more money? Do you see where this is going? They need someone to take the fall for the detective’s murder, and Alex’s family needs money.

Isaac gives him the gun used to kill the detective, and makes Alex write a short suicide note. Alex then shoots himself in the head.

The next morning at Miami Metro, Hannah stops in to say hi to Dexter. And to also assist the police in finding those pesky buried bodies. Hannah plead innocent way back when, as if she was an unwitting accomplice to Wayne’s killing. But as Dexter recalls, Wayne said Hannah was the Robin to his Batman.

Only with less homo-eroticism, I'd wager.

Elsewhere, LaGuerta informs Deb that they have a problem; Ray’s arrest. Everyone gathers around the TV and watches the police video of the arresting officers going at him like he was Rodney King (RIP), they read him his miranda rights, but he doesn’t acknowledge them. So, the judge threw his confession out and set the bastard free. As they’re lamenting the sorry situation, they get a call to a 10-56 at bartender Alex’s house.

That's code for "blowing your brains out," according to Quinn.

At Alex’s house, Isaac watches Miami Metro from nearby. The crime scene is pretty cut-and-dry, a “White Russian on ice,” as Matsuka puts it. They also find the note, which Angel doesn’t buy. If Alex was in love with Katja (dead stripper), why have pictures of his family everywhere in the house? Also, Quinn is dumb.

In “Well, That Happened” news: Back at Dexter’s home, Jamie is going through all of Harrison’s old baby toys. And Dexter decides to not throw away a pissed-stained lamb blanket.

Next morning, Dexter investigates Ray’s cruddy RV, conveniently parked outside the cemetery. Dexter finds Ray’s trophies, but Ray finds him, though, and knocks Dexter out.

Dexter wakes up in a much larger version of the labyrinth from last episode. He finds a note with the word “RUN” on it. And Dexter does so, because Dexter only runs “if there’s a bull coming after me with an ax.” He moves through many dangerous rooms, including one filled with mannequins and strobe lights. Dexter figures out that Ray wants to force him into the basement, so Dexter goes up and out onto the roof. Ray follows, but he’s too late; Dexter escapes. Problem is, Ray has seen Dexter’s face. When he gets back home, he decides to send Harrison to visit his family in Orlando.

Meanwhile, Isaac searches through Viktor’s hotel room. He finds a picture of him and Viktor, and Isaac swears revenge. Or something. So, I know that Viktor was probably Isaac’s son, but wouldn’t be fun if they were lovers? Because, honestly, the makers of this show must not know that Miami is a very gay city. But I digress.

Deb takes time out of her busy schedule to attend the funeral of Ray’s victim (from last episode). She notices Ray is there, too, smiling at her. She goes over to him and swears her ass off. Angel breaks up the fight.

That night, Dex pays Deb a visit at her house. She confesses she wanted to kill Ray right then and there. They have another conversation about how things haven’t changed, but really they have. Dexter does have a point, though, when he says he wonders if Deb will be there for him like he is for her.

Over at Miami Metro that evening, Angel is still not convinced that Alex was the killer; the whole situation seems too perfect. Quinn is still dumb, so at least some things never change. He confesses he’s dating Nadja. Angel does his best "disappointed dad" face.

Dexter lures Ray back to the cemetery, and leaves him a note that says “Stay.” Hilarious! Dexter then invites Ray’s head to meet his friend, Mr. Shovel. Ray wakes up, strapped down to a table in the crematorium. Dexter mocks him, and laments that he can’t risk taking a blood slide trophy. He then stabs Ray in the heart and starts the incinerator. At least Dex had the decency to kill him before roasting him. As he pushes Ray into the furnace, he tosses his blood slide collection in with him.

Outside, Deb pulls up. Dexter informs her that the smoke coming out of the chimney is Ray. Deb asks if he did it for her (for me? You shouldn’t have!) but he says nope. In a very telling conversation, Deb says she feels glad that Dex killed Ray, but what does that make her? “Human,” Dexter replies.

So there we have it! Did you enjoy your double-dose of Dexter? How do you think this season is shaping up? 

Try to contain yourselves till next week.