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The Inception Review: If you didn't like it, you can eat a schlong

A Timeline


Bryce: Hey, that trailer looks interesting.
Me: Yeah. Maybe. I dunno. ((changes channel to Real Housewives))


Bryce: Hey, Christopher Nolan directed it. That movie is going to rule.
Me: Who? Oh, the Batman guy? Yeah, I didn't see that movie. Inception looks like it has a lot of potential to suck. Nyah.


Cara: Meh.

Washington Post review busts a nut over it; reconsidering ensues. Cara and Bryce go to the local multiplex to see it.

(exiting the theater)

Cara: ((speechless))

I was initially very skeptical of this movie. Especially after Leonardo released Shutter Island. Then the laundry list of big celebs: Michael Caine; <3 <3 <3 Marion Cotillard <3 <3 <3; that pregnant slut from Juno (AHAHAHA JUST KIDDING no really, though, I can't remember her name); Joseph Gordon whatever whatever; Cillian Murphy; Dame Judy Dench...oh wait, she wasn't in it. WELL SHE SHOULD HAVE BEEN. Anyway, when I see a list of names like that, I immediately think the producers had to pad a shitty script/premise with actors who sell movies. I'M LOOKING AT YOU, EATPRAYLOVE.

Then the aforementioned WAPO (we coolios call it the 'wapo') review made it into my gmail box, and I'll basically agree with whatever the reviewer says. Even if I disagree. It's a very sick and sad existence, I know. Expectations = raised. Bar = set high. I'm imagining the song 'Lose Yourself' playing right now (MOM'S SPAGHETTI).

So basically, Leo's character, Dom, can break into people's dreams and steal shit. Che pazza! Buddha say (it's an Asian dude AHAHAHA): break into Cillian Murphy's dreams and plant an idea. The trick, which is nicely illustrated through dialogue (and reminds me of the time my tenth grade english teacher said, 'Don't think of a yellow duck wearing red goloshes' to prove a point), is that they have to make the dreamer think the idea is of his own volition.

Then there's subplot subplot subplot. Leo loves <3 Marion <3, who plays Mal, la femme fatale. There never was a more alluring woman in all of cinema, save perhaps Rita Hayworth (I'm a sucker for gloves). That may be stretching it for all of you, but not for me. I like the Frenchwomen, too (hayyo Eva Green and Sophie Marceau). How someone so soft can be such a crazy bitch is beyond me. How such a high, breathy voice, her every word a whispery song - tremulous - can breathe fire and draw anguish and guilt from the man who loves her - is beyond me. Her eyes - narrowed, widened, languid. Marion: be on me. PLZ.

Ellen Page (GOT IT!) plays the other major female role, Ariadne, an architect whose job it is to create the landscape of the dream. I saw Juno and liked it immensely, but never dreamed Ellen would translate into such a big movie. Her intelligence is precise in this part. She surprised me, most pleasantly.

Joseph Gordon whatever whatever repelled me in 500 Days of Summer, mostly because I can't stand moony, infatuated men. In this film, he is assured, humorous and - thanks to his stuntwork (when you see it, you will know what I mean) - vastly sexy. Speaking of sexy, um, hello Tom Hardy, didn't you see come in there. I know where you can come in GIGGITY. Michael Caine is, of course, pitch perfect. Let's not be surprised when he snags a best supporting actor statuette for even less screentime than DAME JUDY DENCH did for Shakespeare In Love (hahaha, I dunno, the Academy loves him, no? I will always consider Miss Congeniality to be a credit to him).

And before I run away to take a nap, let me say: as an ex band geek who recently found her clarinet from under a pile of dust and old clothes, the score...the score...clearly, I was a woodwind and will always have woodwindish tendencies, but the sounds of big brass instruments bellowing thrilled me to the core. It fills up your entire head and throbs. Like a...migraine. OF AWESOMENESS.

Oh yeah, and there were special effects. Good ones.



  1. <3 DAME JUDY DENCH <3

    Cara, you win at life for writing this. I want to eat spaghetti and listen to Eminem and touch Marion (harps!) now.


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