The Useless Critic 2.0

I have found where we need to keep Sam Smith, and it is in songs by Calvin Harris and Disclosure.  Not saying he isn't talented - he has a great voice - but he makes the most boring music on his own. Combine him with someone like Calvin Harris?!?! $$$$$$

Song of the Day Calvin Harris, when he's not being overplayed on the radio, is pure joy. It's like "Everything is fucking fantastic for these four minutes." It's pretty obvious here, in March 2014, that this is the summer anthem for the year. I said it. In June, top 40 radio will be playing this on loop like that Nelly song. I find that EDM-esque music is like the dubstep of my college days (WOMP WOMP WOMP.) The kids love this. I can see them now dancing to this song and dousing each other with Coronas. As for me, Calvin Harris reckons back to a time when it was more "exclusive" to like him . As in, I'm a douchebag. As in he reminds me of a really nice few months in my life. Then, I was happy Rihanna took him to new heights. But now not so much because this is the sort of music that loses its appeal when you hear it for the 800th time at Wal-Mart. Anyway! Enjoy this before you black out to it and Michelob Lites. Welcome back, Ca...

The summery, steamy video for Calvin Harris and Ellie Goulding's diva-house collabo, "I Need Your Love," premiered yesterday. The clip was filmed in Miami and follows the pair on a romantic weekend, snuggling in bed (!!!) and having fun on the beach, in the streets and in da club. Also, Calvin appears shirtless, 'nuff said. Basically a wet dream come true, right? Well, except for the random black guy that steals the camera, of course. Heh I actually don't know which one of them I should be jealous of. But seriously, as much as Calvin gives me a total lady boner, I think he and Ellie would make the cutest couple in real life—sorry, Skrillex. As a side note, 2 Broke Girls finally returned yesterday, meaning a new recap is on the way. ;) Don't miss it, or you'll regret it. I mean it.

Just keepin' it classy Ellie Goulding, "Figure 8" 2012 was definitely Ellie's year. I can't get over "Figure 8's" epic, bombastic chorus, I just wish I could inject it directly into my blood. Who knew dubstep could sound this good? Azealia Banks, "Liquorice" Despite her apparent attitude issues , Azealia is one of my favorite new artists this year. Her music is so fresh, I'm loving the throwback to early-'90s house music and R&B that's been going on lately. Of all the great jams she has put out, "Liquorice" is my anthem to sassitude. As some of you must know by now, it was reported a couple of months ago that Azealia and Lady fucking Gaga recorded two tracks for Gaga's upcoming ARTPOP album! Sleigh Bells, "Comeback Kid" This song and Alexis Krauss are the very epitome of badassery. I want her clothes so bad, especially the studded leather jacket. Little Boots, "Every Ni...

I've been to a number of drag shows in my day. Men dressed as women, women dressed as men, inebriated sexually ambiguous audience members dancing up on you, awkward situations in the bathrooms, ridiculously expensive alcoholic beverages... it's always a good time. As a result of my attendance at these festive events, I have a sick habit of hearing a song and thinking, "This would be PERFECT to do drag to." Unfortunately, I've never felt like shaving my legs (and my face), taping up Mr. Happy, pulling on a miniskirt and a pair of high-heels and dancing around on stage while lipsynching to "Girls Just Want To Have Fun." But here are a few songs I'd totally do drag to, if I were willing to shave my legs. Tori Amos - Raspberry Swirl Tori is to the gay community what Eminem is to insecure white boys from the suburbs: she's a god(dess). "Raspberry Swirl" features such lyrics as, "everybody knows I'm her friend / everybody knows I...

Calvin Harris' newest album, "Ready For the Weekend," came out this past Tuesday. and while electronica/dance music is usually not my cup of tea (to be fair, I enjoy Junior Boys and Hot Chip and Diplo and Yelle and the occasional Justice or MSTRKRFT), I can't get enough of this guy's stuff. I really CAN-NOT. Even the two big tracks from his last album, "I Invented Disco," (YES HE SO DID), "The Girls" and "Acceptable in the '80s" have been rushing through my mind the past week (I LIKE THEM BIG GIRLS, I LIKE THEM SKINNY GIRLS, I LIKE THEM CARRYING A LITTY-BITTY BIT OF WEIGHT GIRLS) but his new album is just as- well, maybe not QUITE- as fun as his last venture. which is what sometimes music should be. fluffy enjoyable stuff to dance to. even if you're like me and do not dance. the album is spotted by appearances of other dance and hip-hop musicians (I sound so white right now. stuff white people like!) Izza Kizza, Dizzee Rascal ...