The Useless Critic 2.0

With each day we come closer and closer to another novel from J.K Rowling, a woman that I completely adore. I hope when I say adore, you understand that I don’t mean as a stalker. I mean it as a future lover. (Creepy Scale: 1 to 10…rate me in the comments). It takes one look at the headline from the NY Times headline “Rowling Returns With a New Book, This Time for Adults.” SWEET! Fantasy Writer tackling Adult Novelism! I am ecstatic. Each day brings us closer and closer to the next book, and based on that line, it sounds like it’ll be magical erotica. QATFYG: Would you read magical erotica? Not like Centaurs on Unicorns because those are like animals, but more like Vampires and Fairies (oh wait, sorry Sookie). I mean, more like “demons and wizards.” I mean, more like human beings and sex…dammit I’m out of words. Meh, she writes the shit, not me.

So who has made the biggest impact with their low voice??? And the nominees are……………… Ethan Peck: Currently playing Patrick Verona on ABC Family’s “Ten Things.” I would describe his voice as a tooting foghorn after somebody pissed in it. Props to his show for coining the name of the award. Steven Wright: The comedian with a career spanning 3 decades, I love his stuff. His voice is like a backseat driver on the verge of laryngitis. Great one-liners. Stephin Merritt: The second of my 3 role models, and the singer of bands such as The Magnetic Fields and The Gothic Archies. His voice brings some people down, but he brings me up, up, up. Phil Anselmo: The legendary vocalist behind musical groups such as Pantera, Superjoint Ritual, and Down. Is it weird that Down is my top pick out of those three bands? His voice is dark and scratchy. And the Winner is………………..[Insert Drumroll] JK SIMMONS: Superstar Actor known as Jonah in “Spiderman”, Dr. Emil Skoda on “Law and Order” (SVU and Original). A...