The Useless Critic 2.0

Dear Jennifer Aniston, CONGRATULATIONS YOU GO GIRL in honor of your engagement, please buy yourself something at Marshalls . love, the Useless Critic

I remember a long time ago there was a feature like this, but whatever this is MY TAKE on it.  so Men's Health has come and said that Jennifer Aniston is the hottest woman of all time (OF ALL TIME, so says Kanye). Nothing against Jenny, but WHAT. and this is the result of a poll! A poll! So multiple braindead men had a say in it!  BUT WHAT IF IT WAS MY POLL, IMAGINED FROM MY BEDROOM WHEN I'M HALF-ASLEEP? Angelina Jolie and Marilyn Monroe are hot, sure. I'm not arguing. but who else... GWEN STEFANI this girl is always so hot. she would melt THE SUN if that was possible. SERIOUSLY. please reconsider your sexuality now if you like men. who else? hmm.... this is Marion Cotillard. now I'm not a very sexual person but I would destroy her. I am just saying. I don't care. judge me. it'd be like if a diabetic wanted to commit suicide and went to a bakery. Mila, obviously. I don't need to say much more. she knows that I want to interview ...

I have had a few bosses in my time that I could not stand. Granted, I don't think I ever wanted to kill She-Thing. Trip her yes, but my boss was never one of the following: a.) a sex-crazed deviant b.) a coke-addicted tool c.) a pure evil psychopath do you think if I had a boss along these lines I would have had a similar reaction to the three bromantic protagonists of Horrible Bosses ? Possibly.  It's not as funny as Bridesmaids , which is the movie which all future 2011 comedies will be judged by from here on out. But it's a lot better than Bad Teacher  and ends up leaving the audience with a fascinating, somewhat complex plot.  Yet the big key for this movie to succeed is the interaction and dialogue, back-and-forth between the three protagonists, a group of friends (who all loathe their superiors)- Jason Sudekis, Jason Bateman (HOLLA USELESS CRITIC FAVORITE) and Charlie Day, who I have just been introduced to and think is wonderful. Divine, really. Espe...

I answered her Craigslist casual encounter ad. I knew after her break with Justin Long, she wanted the taste and warmth of a real man. naturally she sought me and my vagina out. We were headed to Jamba Juice, where she would be wearing one white rose in her hair and a coconut bra. I couldn't keep myself from fantasizing at red lights, while listening to the best of Kanye West on my tape player. oddly, it was one track. "LIkE HI BRITTANY," she said when I arrived, air-kissing both cheeks. "I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU SINCE-" all of a sudden, she exploded. and not in that good way that would have made me feel imperious in my sexual abilities. no: she exploded like a pumpkin on Halloween the victim of a juvenile's baseball bat. "JENNIFER ANISTON?" The more I gazed on the bard-less wonder in front of my emotional thunder, Suddenly, I had forgotten the image of the exploded pumpkin, and I now looked upon it as the peeling of an orange. (mmmmm) I...

hold the presses because up until now I've disliked her: HELLO BORING Nicole Kidman is in it too. do you see her anywhere? and also I really don't like Adam Sandler, but eh what the hell. Ursula and I went to see the Tourist yesterday. neither of us had any shred of comprehension on the plot beforehand, but were both charmed by the movie. definitely worth seeing- it's a lot of fun. it goes fast and the dialogue is wonderful and the people and scenery are easy on the eyes. my mom: I'm just glad you didn't see a movie by yourself! ^ that is the kind of life I live. question: Angelina or Jennifer? Angelina all the way for life and back especially if she dresses like Grace Kelly and has an accent!

- The first thing I heard upon reentering the States was that, no, not that the recession was over or not that Bob Woodward just wrote some new tell-all about President Obama's homeland security philosophy, but that JENNIFER ANISTON WAS BACK IN THE ARMS OF JOHN MAYER. I grabbed Al's arm at the JFK newsstand. it was like Maria when talking to Anita in West Side Story after Tony kills Bernardo. MAKE IT NOT BE TRUE! MAKE IT NOT BE TRUE! - Los Angeles is experiencing record-breaking heat. not just for September, but FOREVER. - Pittsburgh is hosting its first-ever fashion week. like, I don't even know what to say about this. how is this possible? is Donatella going to be there? should I go and bring my Coach bag and my dog Toto? I'M SO CONFUSED I NEED VODKA. - Members of the U.S. Air Force are reporting an increase in UFO activity- an increase, really?- around nuclear weapons facilities. Mulder! Scully! When Obama was briefed about aliens- OFFICIAL: President, you need to ...

today I am tackling two of the more-hyped movies left this summer: The Switch what about this? I don't hate J. Aniston so much these days- she's really getting more and more likeable to me. and Jason Bateman! I love him! I think it has something to do with his head and the shape of it. that's an odd thing to say but it's true. plus this is the team that brought you Little Miss Sunshine so come on it will be amazing. the plot- the lonely older woman who wants a kid- has been seen so often in contemporary cinema (i.e. Baby Mama and the Next Best Thing , remember that?)- but this is a nice refreshing twist on it. thoughts? AND THEN, OH MY GOD Eat Pray Love http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N1bSFT60sXI thoughts: I hate society.