The Useless Critic 2.0

So I am spending my first Thanksgiving relatively alone. I have Smores curling up next to me; the other pigs are hopping about in their cage. But I have no plans. I was going to go to the Cracker Barrel; I may just get something cheaper and faster at McDonald's.  This really doesn't depress me- if anything I just feel lonely. I'm at that odd crossroads in life between my nuclear family (parents and siblings) and having a family (partner and kids). I've been very introspective all month, since November holds a lot of somber anniversaries for me. I feel confident that my life is going okay- and I really don't need to compare myself to others at the moment. However, I do have those times when I think: "Am I going to meet anyone? Am I lovable? Will I be a mother someday?" and I get all panicky I will be alone forever.  Because I mean- I just started to feel like a decent person again. And I know I am, but a lot of my self-worth is a reflection of ho...

I recently entered my squealing herd of four guinea pigs in a pageant. Yes, a pageant. Like for dogs and little girls. It may seem like crazy and a bit much, but the heart of the pageant was just to have fun. And you know what? It was a lot of fun. It was probably meant generally for little kids, but that's okay. They were the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Yes, I am responsible for those uneven blotches. Thank you very much, you judgmental dick. I will give you some background as to why this was the event that made my October. I'm sure none of it is a drastic surprise. I have been so depressed since August that it's been hard to treat myself well or act like a normal person. In truth, I have felt detached, marooned and hopeless. I have crying jags for no reason (they are getting better) and bouts of irrational rage. It's scary, because I've not been this emotionally all over the place in a long time. I have stayed up at night contemplating my worth and I...

Enjoy it kids. It's a bit of a depressing mix, but I can't mask how I feel right now. I haven't been this sad since my Sylvia Plath Winter wherein I didn't leave the bed for a while. I had a breakthrough, and then that evaporated. I will have another breakthrough soon, I think. I hope. I feel very alone and lost, and very doubtful of myself. However, I've been blessed to have good friends. The holidays are right around the corner, but I can't say I am happy about that. Even Halloween's not doing much for me. Hence the lack of seasonal pathos displayed here. I discovered I may have ADHD , which explains a lot for me i.e. why I live such an undomesticated lifestyle. I wish I had realized this sooner, because it makes me at least feel better that I'm not some hapless, selfish, disorganized slob and there is actually hope I can live a normal existence soon. Like, as in "Not get distracted easily," "Not lose everything, "Be able to cle...

Song of the Day Why does everyone want to dance to this song? I could never - no matter how remixed - not associate this song with wistfulness and nostalgia.  When I was in San Diego last weekend, I heard this song a lot. Albeit, sped-up to sound like some horrible techno thing all the kids are listening to these days. Which robs the song of its very tender heart. In San Diego, I also threw up the most I have since I was a little kid. It was a mixture of seawater and alcohol. I kept running into the waves when I was out in the ocean because I felt it was pretty cathartic. (I did get thrown once though- I've never swam in the ocean before so I guess that's to be expected). Then I got that shit in my mouth, then I got drunk that night, then I threw up all the next morning. I actually threw up in a trapezoid shape around this parking lot of a sushi restaurant we went t0. One corner, run, one corner, run, one corner, run...vomit at every stop. A couple was watching me for a...

A More Personal Reflection (Bear with Me) This past month has been the worse month of my life so far. I have had a nervous breakdown back in 2011. I remember sitting in the Megabus and feeling like things could not get worse. And for a while, they were okay. There were bad times scattered in between. But then they got great! And then they were good. Things got a little shaky for me in March. Then I witnessed a string of bad events happening to my friends and family members, wondering what the hell was going on with the world. I am too sensitive; I take other people's pain like it's my own. It's a good quality in theory but it can get you down quite easily. The first person I was ever seriously in love with said "You need a filter. You can't feel things this intensely." I was like BULLSHIT but she had a point. Obviously, because here I am four years later remembering that conversation. My Dad's health started failing in July more than before, and by...

I was just reading an old friend's online journal out of boredom and I realized how much we change in a matter of only a few years. we changed. it made me very sad so I had to stop. No Doubt was on TV this morning. Oh, Gwen. Despite this, I had a very miserable day. at least school is done with. my morning concluded with me in tears in the kitchen screaming about how NOBODY EVER HELPPPPS MEEEEEEEE. it was a very dramatic display but when I was getting dressed I felt like I couldn't breathe. so I'm going to give myself this next week off, minus job searching. this is just a bad time for me. I apologize. take care! - sad Brittany