The Useless Critic 2.0

I know I haven't recapped this season of 2 Broke Girls , nor have I explained why I decided to quit it. Basically, it was rather time-consuming, as much as I'd like to still be writing recaps for my favorite sitcom. I'm still very much obsessed about the show, and I hope someday I can resume writing recaps—as soon as I sort out somethings in my life. Alright, enough chit-chat. In case you haven't watched the show lately, here's a little update on the latest goings-on this season: Max and Caroline now own a cupcake walk-up window in the back of the diner. Max has recently enrolled in the Manhattan School of Pastry, while Caroline takes a job at the institution's office to help pay for Max's tuition. Caroline finds herself smitten by Chef Nicolas (Gilles Marini), the school's sexy, handsome French owner who is also the teacher. The two soon hook up, before she finds out that he's married. Max befriends the class clown, Deke (Eric André, best known...

Just wanted to remind you guys that 2 Broke Girls returns for its third season tonight at 9/8c on CBS!! Unless you live outside the United States, in which case you'll have to resort to good ol' Pirate Bay, like me. In the meantime, here's the hilarious trailer for tonight's episode: I literally can't wait. I do intend to continue with my weekly recaps, so stay tuned! Also, I still think CBS should officially hire me (as in pay me) to promote their show. Just sayin'.

Hey, guys. I apologize for yet another late post, I just had a lot going last week. Sti ll , I obviously wouldn't miss out on recapping the second season finale of 2 Broke Girls . Shall we? Han puts everyone in charge of tidying up the diner for health inspection. He is so determined to get an A rating that he even made Oleg wear a more conventional attire—as opposed to his usual tank tops—and three hairnets. "Is he making omelets or crystal meth?" Max mocks. Caroline comes in after Han paid her to get her nails done so she would be his "show pony" for when the health inspector shows up. Max asks Han why she didn't get a beauty treatment too, and in response, he pays her $75 to stay away from the diner. While at the nail salon, Caroline heard about a branding seminar for business owners that she wants to attend with Max, who is reluctant. "I went to a seminar once. I was almost married to 300 Koreans." The health inspector arrives. She se...

Before anything else, there's just one thing I'd like to announce: The Carrie Diaries has been officially renewed for a second season!!!!! And this is for the h8rs: Now on to the recap... Max complains to Caroline about a customer who tipped her in Monopoly money. Han shows up wearing a baseball uniform, only to be mocked by the girls. He announces that he is putting a team together for the restaurant league, but no one seems really eager to play, except for Caroline. She throws the ball and it hits Han right in the nuts. The poor thing walks away in pain as he mentions he forgot to put on a protective cup. The girls go to visit Caroline's father, Martin Channing, in prison. Caroline wonders why he wanted to see them. "He probably wants a conjugal visit," Max says. "Max!" Caroline exclaims. "Relax! With me," Max clarifies. Martin comes in and tells them that Sandra Rosenthal, a woman who used to work for him, is being ...

OMG, I'm terribly sorry for my ridiculously late post!! This time, however, my laziness is not to be blamed. You see, my shitty CPU broke down last Tuesday (it's a miracle that it lasted this long, to be honest), so I had to have a technician transfer all the data to a new CPU, and I only got it back yesterday. I'm not sure if I got the computer lingo right, but all that matters is that my computer is working so perfectly now, I could almost cry. Anyway, despite all the setbacks, I felt morally obligated to commit myself to those who couldn't possibly do without my wonderful (and humble) recaps. Alright, enough chit-chat, let's get on with it. Max and Caroline celebrate Chestnut's tenth birthday with a carrot cake. Max blows his candle because she already knew what he wished for: "That one day, he and I live in a world where our love is recognized and we have the same rights as gay couples." One of Chestnut's horseshoes fall off, and Caroline po...

First of all, exciting news for us, Don't Trust the B---- in Apartment 23 fans: ABC announced on Thursday that the eight unaired episodes of the show will be available online starting May 17 on ABC.com, iTunes, and Hulu! I can't wait! I'm so glad I'll finally get some much-deserved, post-cancellation closure. In the meantime, here's my belated recap of this week's episode of the recently renewed 2 Broke Girls . The girls are excited about their purchases at the Under a Dollar store—Caroline bought new sheets, while Max got herself a steak and a "steak-eating chair." However, Caroline accidentally rips her sheets after using fabric softener to wash it. "Thread count: Yes. Washing instructions: Do not wash," Caroline reads from the tag. Max's chair also rips when she sits on it. "Instructions: Do not sit," Max reads from the label. That is some weird-ass store. In t he morning, Max wakes up to find a candy trail outside her ...

Have you guys heard the exciting news? CBS has officially renewed 2 Broke Girls for a third season! Well, not that there's any reason to be surprised, but that doesn't make me less ecstatic to know that my favorite sitcom will be returning next season. SHANTAY, YOU STAY Now back to the recap. Caroline wakes up at night to the rather unpleasant sound of Oleg and Sophie having sex upstairs. Max comes out of her room with sponges covering her ears and a bottle of booze. "This couldn't be any more intrusive!" Caroline complains. All of a sudden, Oleg's leg comes through the ceiling, followed by a bowling ball. "Why do they need a bowling ball?!" Caroline asks. "Maybe they ran out of holes," Max replies. Han asks Max where Caroline is, as she is 20 minutes late. When she finally turns up, she explains that she had to take a nap because Oleg and Sophie's sex-a-thon kept her up all night. Han insists that punctuality is important,...

I know, our favorite sitcom has finally returned from a two-week hiatus and it took me this long to post this recap. Surprisingly, the only thing about me that is not late is my period (amen to dat). Anyway, I'm so sorry, I've just been really tired—and extra lazy—this week. Here's hoping I can make things up to you guys by offering this : No, it's not a mirage. Kat Dennings and Jessica Chastain really are together in the very same picture! I mean, not a big deal, just two of the most awesome people in the entire world. Okay, let's move on. Han tells Max to wait on a pretty girl that just entered the diner, before realizing she looks like a boy. "She's probably looking at you and thinking the same thing. But are you attracted to the girl she is or the boy she appears to be? You're confused, aren't you, Han?" Max mocks. Caroline shows up and says she will wait on her, but Max warns her that that's Tina the Turner (LOL), who is notorious...

"Look, the mailman came," Caroline says as she comes into the cupcake shop with a bunch of mail. "Where am I looking, your chest, your hair? Gimme a hint," Max jokes. An eviction notice is what came. Sophie comes in for her usual lemon meringue cupcake before going to the gym, but that's one of the flavors Max stopped making because they have too many left over every day. Caroline decides to rip up the eviction notice. "That's the one thing my mother and I used to do together," Max recalls. Caroline tells Max that all she can think about is that their shop's in trouble. "Even in my sexual fantasies, I'm giving Ryan Gosling a rent check." She wishes they had a sign that told them what to do. A deaf woman named Joanne Morse and her translator, Bob, enter the shop. Joanne is a real estate agent who is acquiring the property and is interested in a corporate buyout, offering the girls $25,000 to take over their lease. Max instantly agr...