The Useless Critic 2.0

Max tells Caroline she's going to the bathroom to look in the mirror and make sure she's still "dead in the eyes," leaving Caroline in charge of Max's section. Just a few seconds in, a customer starts choking. "What do you do when a girl is choking?!" Caroline asks, panicking (as expected from her). "I just back up a few inches," Oleg replies from the kitchen. Oh, God. Luckily, Max comes out of the bathroom right on time and gives her the Heimlich maneuver. "Feel free to tip me what you think your life's worth," Max tells the woman. "I feel 3 bucks coming my way," Max jokes to Caroline as they walk away. Han is very upset that Caroline is late again. "She better not use your new cupcake shop as an excuse this time, 'cause sista, that crap ain't gonna fly," he says. "First of all, stop talking like you're in a Tyler Perry movie. And secondly, Caroline's here, she's in the kitchen,...

So, here we are, for this 19th cycle (aka season) of America's Next Top Model. In case you didn't know, Tyra in her infinite wisdom has fired Jay Manuel, Miss Jay Alexander and the steamy, dreamy Nigel Barker .  This season, Tyra, last season's lone survivor Kelly Cutrone and some other people who I haven't found the wherewithal to Google will serve as the judges. But wait! The audience has a say in the voting this time...or something. Apparently a few months ago, one could go onto the Top Model website and vote or upload videos or...you know what, I don't really know.  Here they are in a goddamn bed. Kelly is looking at her massive pile of money. In any case, this season is the "College Edition." Which, gauging from the main photo, will involve slutty co-eds wearing tiny tartan skirts and being photoshopped to death. So, same shit, different judges. There is really only one thing I can say about this new season, and I'll let a cert...

Wanna be on top???? Finally, after a month or so gathering information and inspiration, here is my appreciation post for the flawless Allison Harvard , who first came into prominence as a contestant on Cycle 12 of The CW's America's Next Top Model in 2009. Why do I find her so fascinating? Countless reasons could be cited: her big doll eyes, her unusual beauty, her quirky (yes, it's an overused term to describe her) personality, her amazing sense of style. On top of that, she strikes me as this genuinely fun, sweet girl to be around, not to mention creative, intelligent and down-to-earth. I can say in all honesty that I don't recall being this obsessed with any other ANTM contestant, she's just so fresh, unique and out of this world. In this post, I'll provide insight into this singular Houston native, as well as present you guys with some of her highlights during the show. Before we go any further, I'd like to say that anything remotely off...