The Useless Critic 2.0

Episode 4 At Last Andy & Terry & Arlene —Terry is just minding his own business, when Andy’s fae daughters discover that he murdered his friend Patrick. They can read minds and all that. Arlene comes in and scolds them. Of course Terry is ready to crack. Andy comes in and puts the girls to bed. And then they grow up some more. Now they’re slutty teenagers! And it’s every teenaged girl’s fantasy to go out and get drunk and party, right? They raid Arlene’s closet and steal Andy’s squad car. Wow, those guys must be heavy sleepers, cause these girls are not being subtle at all . (For more on the fae girls’ excellent adventure, see Bill and Jess’ segment.) Andy rallies the troops that morning. He can’t really give a good description since they could be fully grown by now. He and Terry and Arlene bicker amongst themselves, but realize they’re all to blame. That night, Andy and Jason investigate the missing squad car and find it at the very same conve...

Episode 12: Save Yourself Wow, I’d call that a season finale, alright. Lots of blood, a bit of sexing, and more than a few “what the fuck did I just watch” moments. Oh, and an out-of-nowhere cliffhanger. I don’t use this word much, but it left me flabbergasted. Let’s get to it, shall we?

  Episode 10: Gone, Gone, Gone   Last week, I hope for True Blood’s awesome streak to continue. In a way it did, but there were a few things that were decidedly less awesome. In this installment, we’ve got some vampire deaths, a shockingly sad goodbye, Lafayette being fabulous (as usual) and some more naked Sam. And a scene that had me LOLing so much I had to stop watching to compose myself.

Episode 7: In the Beginning As you all know, I was not a fan of last week’s episode. In this week’s installment we’re treated to faerie lights, torture, a very messy karaoke party, laughing smoke, and a vampire gets capped in the head. But was it an improvement over last time? Read on and find out!

  Episode 5: Let’s Boot and Rally You know, it really seemed like a lot happened in this episode. But when I finished writing this recap, I noticed I hadn’t written all that much. An entertaining installment? Of course! We found out some things, but all in all, this episode gave me the entertainment equivalent of blue balls.

Episode 4: We’ll Meet Again Sorry this recap is late again. I have a life, you know! I don’t just lounge around in my coffin like some lazy vampire that I won't name coughTaracough. Season five is hitting some sort of stride, and this episode answers a question or two and teases us with a few more, so let’s get to it! Oh, and by the way, True Blood just got picked up for a sixth season , so whatever crazy shit they have planned for the season finale won’t be the last.

   Episode 3: Whatever I Am, You Made Me

Episode 2: Authority Always Wins Well here we are again, time to sink our twin hard-ons into the new episode! Before I get into the thick of things, again I must let you know HERE BE MASSIVE SPOILERS. And I’m going to recap this by the characters instead of a timeline account, because not much happens in this episode.

So, it’s summer, and that means it’s time for another season of everyone’s favorite campy, sexy, violent show. No, not Jersey Shore , you assholes. I may be shameless, but I have standards, as low as they are. I’ve been watching True Blood since it debuted back in 2008, and fortunately I haven’t gotten to the point where I’m just watching it to watch it (hello, Supernatural !). Last season sure did try my patience. Even though I liked the vampire politics and the crazy necromancer witch villain, a lot of the other stories fell flat. Tara became a lesbian (or bisexual? I don’t think it’s ever clarified) cage fighter in an attempt to make her character more interesting. (Spoiler! It didn’t work.) And storylines that I think could have been fruitful were cut short, such as Sam and Tommy’s combative relationship. And Lafayette getting possessed every five seconds was exhausting. While I’m also sure Sookie's trip to fairyland was necessary to a degree, I found myself roll...

So I happen to catch my first two episodes of the “Vampire Diaries” this weekend, and I was not impressed. I did not like much about it at all, but I might keep watching it just to see if it gets better. It’s early on in the series, so not much is happening with the plot, and right now it seems flat and uninteresting. It looks like it has potential, but the first the episodes I saw were rather boring. I think I’ll have to go with my original hunch and make “True Blood” my vampire show. They had only two good things I noticed. 1. The Diary/Epistolary form of storytelling 2. Ian Somerhalder. After seeing Ian S. in other works, it was nice to see him play around with his acting range. He did really well. And it was also nice to see him play someone that wasn’t a sissy. On the show “Lost” he gave a good performance, but he was the guy that everybody told to “Shut Up!” and got beat up all the time. Moving back in time, he played the title/lead role in “Marco Polo.” From the pictures, it lo...

Guess What? Guess What? Guess What? It's official we are going to have "Bloodrayne 3!" And it is starring the poorly reviewed actress Kristianna Loken. She was the lead in the first "Bloodrayne" movie, and it flopped like E.D. , so they replaced her with some other tooter (Natassia Malthe.) But I guess that flopped even worse, so Kristianna has her job back as the sexual star of vampire whoredom. "Bloodrayne 3" is going to appear sometime in 2010, and no, I most likely will not go see it. The reason is KL is the spotlight/shoutout diva/queen bitch of the week is because after she was nominated for "Worst Actress of the Year" at the Golden Raspberries (for Bloodrayne) , I meant to write a stage play for her, so she could jumpstart her career on the underground artsy circuit. I never wrote it, but I imagined it would be about 3 women who drink a lot of champagne. And since I didn't help her with her career then, this is the least I can do.(...