The Useless Critic 2.0

WHAT? THEY SPOILED IT FOR YOU, TOO. I have wanted to see "Rust and Bone" since every film critic in the universe spoiled it for me back in July.  Now, it's finally getting a wide U.S. release, as of Nov. 16. I plan on seeing it almost immediately, because I don't care too much about James Bond anymore (although everyone is saying "Skyfall" is great?) The thing that sucks is what I touched on earlier- the film's definitive moment- involving an orca and Katy Perry's "Firework" has been basically out in the open since the beginning. So how can one see this movie and be surprised? I don't know, but both Marion (sigh) and  Matthias Schoenaerts  are getting rave reviews for their performances. Marion will likely get a second Oscar and I will fall more in love. I'll try to drag Liz to see this, so perhaps we can start our review series again, but I doubt that will work.  Question:  Does it bother you when people spoil movies for ...

2gether 4ever Sometimes I hate being the last person to know such important groundbreaking news. I wish these two kids luck! And lots of talented children! HER BODY IS A WONDERLAND ... or something like that. 

And so the week rolls on. I know this will be mainly Al and me, but I don't really care.  Here's a picture of Katy Perry: think fast! if you just glossed mindlessly over that pic, would you think- hmm, Zooey? SEE: I CHALLENGE YOU TO SCROLL UP AND DOWN 500 TIMES IN A ROW. IT'S LIKE AN OPTICAL ILLUSION.  that being said, people have long asked- or since either of these two were present in mainstream's consciousness- WHO CAME FIRST? Chicken, or egg? Battleship or Monopoly? Do not Wikipedia the last question! I don't want to know! A lot of people have accused them of having the same style. Eh. A lot of hipsters have it- trust me, I see it everyday.  here's two more pics of the girls for you to see: (EYE CANDY, AM I RIGHT?)  PENSIVE ZOOEY:  "where is M. Ward and his guitar when I need them?" as opposed to SULTRY KATY:  "Robyn! LET'S GO TO CRACKER BARREL!" fact:  Katy Perry LOVES Cracker Barrel but be hones...

An interview with a person that I know. Jessica is seriously one of the most interesting people I have ever met. She is someone I'd like to keep in my freezer for the rest of my life. She's witty, intelligent, beautiful, and hilarious. One day she will be more famous than me, Chuck Palahniuk, or anyone this side of Bristol  Palin's new face. OBSERVE:  1.) TELL US ABOUT YOURSELF, JESSICA.  I'm fly like an F-14. I live a dual life as Katy Perry. I write the songs that make the whole world sing. Oscar Wilde is my dead gay lover. I am currently hatching a plan to kidnap Hugh Laurie. I really enjoy Heineken and good conversation. I would love to travel, but not in an annoying, sanctimonious bitchy way like Elizabeth Gilbert. I'm actually pretty good at baking yummy things. Among my prized possessions are a dead bat pressed under glass on my mantle, a signed copy of Allen Ginsberg's "Cosmopolitan Greetings," and a half naked picture of Marilyn M...

Katy Perry (slut!) + Robyn (goddess) + Marina and the Diamonds (EHHHHH) = United States summer tour. I love this time of year because it gives me incentive to look forward to the summer. also, wtf is up with the world today? be nice, you bunch of jerks. (so far there are no dates I can find)

A few days ago, Yelle answered some questions for me. I shouldn't say Yelle though because that is to generalize and say Julie Budet is the whole band. Yelle is the band; Julie Budet the awesome singer who I talked to. THERE IS A DIFFERENCE! that's like saying "omg I talked to Garbage" when you only talked to Shirley Mansion. I know there are boys involved! somewhere! In case you did't see my post a few months ago, Yelle is back at making music, releasing "La Musique," which is a lot of bombastic fun. it sounds like spaceships and the like. when I listen to it, I want to see lasers. which I think sums the aesthetic up nicely! The first album was 2007's Pop Up which is such a good album, featuring the likes of the !!!! "JE VEUX TE VOIR." video time: COLORS COLORS COLORS (I'm sorry for the poor quality!) the new album is to be all in French (no surprise) and comes with a tour, which includes shows with K. Perry. of course though it's...

I love this . best part of whole article: And the video for Katy Perry’s new single, “Firework,” a song from her album “Teenage Dream,” features a scene in which two boys passionately kiss as pyrotechnics burst from the singer’s bust.

I am currently devouring THE HISTORY OF LOVE by Nicole Krauss. She's married to Jonathan Safran Foer, another amazing modern (most of the writers I like are dead people). I can't recommend to you this book enough. there seems to a lot of Jewish identity literature out there right now, but it's all remarkable. and heartbreaking and beautiful and human etc. things I look for in a novel. funny, too. the movie is coming out in early 2011, so get on that shit, friend. also, Ms. Krauss just put out Great House not too long ago. have you read that yet? what are you reading, anyway? SMUT? their writing styles are similar. so I have this fantasy of these two married writers giving each other feedback and proofreading and etc. I bet they sit in bed after sex and read each other's scenes and are like "DARLING, THIS ADJECTIVE SHOULD GO THERE." ah! Dunkin Donuts opens on November 23rd. Harry Potter comes out soon and Wenli is dragging me to see it (wish you could come, Eu...

Can't get away from this bitch anywhere. Cycle through the ads on Last.fm if you really want to know how to get on this. Al-style Question: Are you gonna watch?

first of all: you are going to have to do a Where's Waldo search of the internet to find this track. I ain't posting it. mostly because I can't find anything decent on YOUTUBE. thoughts: I'm really bored. I like the Ting Tings but they aren't like, amazing. you know? they're just basically pop rock. something fun to listen to and that's it. and honestly, it's not that catchy. it's just boring. you can hear the same thing better from other bands. C - but you know what DOESN'T suck? "Teenage Dream!" God, did Katy Perry sell her soul to the devil? I hope I can't be held accountable for liking her. am I supposed to find her attractive? she looks like she needs a HIV test. A p.s. the Ting Tings is such a dumb name.

When you daydream you are a celebrity, who is your inner circle? COME ON WE ALL DO IT. for me, these are the people I befriended in my other life, aka what I think about when I zone out when I'm at the bus watching someone drool on themselves. I am BFFS with: - Jane Adams - Natalie Portman (holla!) - Norah Jones - Diane Keaton - Zooey Deschanel ( - SOMETIMES LADY GAGA BUT SHE'S MOODY And Natalie Wood when I pretend it's 1963. I hate Katy Perry, though. can you blame me? she's a whore. SO THINK FAST WHO DO YOU HANG OUT WITH enjoy your Sunday! I think that God awful heat wave has finally ended. I like heat, really, but I hate getting heat exhaustion when I walk three blocks in my interview clothes.

My favorite couple EVAR, Marilyn Manson and Evan Rachel Wood, have proclaimed their undying love for each other and decided to get engaged. This, hot on the tails of Katy Perry and Russell Brand's engagement. THEY MUST ONE-UP EACH OTHER TIL THE DEATH. I don't know if you guys remember Marilyn saying, cough, he entertained “fantasies every day about smashing [Wood’s] skull in with a sledgehammer.” O_O I wish them many years of happiness. poll: in the wake of all these meant-to-be engagements, will I die alone?

Hello World. It has come to the attention of Planet Earth that Russia is pushing laws that are banning strong alcoholic drinks in airports and duty free shops. In other words the Russian borders are going sober. I understand people are concerned about alcoholism. But why do they have to take away the most important places in the world to drink. Airports are one of the most needed places to drink, unless you're a pilot. And duty free shops = vacation and tourism. Also, the best times to drink. Not to mention that it is very difficult to link alcoholism to airport beverages. I say this ban is lame. (Ok, I think you can still drink on a plane, but the anticipation comes before the flight. That's when you needed to be ossified (slang definition of ossified).). Russia is the exquisite world capital of Vodka (sorry Finlandia), and in addition this is an issue of freedom of choice. In case you're wondering how much of what I'm writing is legit: the answer is none. Source: Prav...

...is this: O_O