The Useless Critic 2.0

So. We all know this movie is going to be fifty shades of DREADFUL yet we all plan to watch anyway. I wish Lindsay would redeem herself already. Like really LiLo. Why don't you call up Kristen Stewart and ask for acting lessons? We all want to see you succeed yet it's not happening! She does look like Liz Taylor, but that's about it. I know Cleopatra Herself had something of a more raspy voice. And do we need LiLo playing Taylor in her golden years? ... I know she is talented. Somewhere. Grant Bowler looks like he might do a decent job as Richard Burton, but I guess we will know for sure after tonight. @theironkurtain (Kurt) will be live tweeting the movie tonight. Don't miss it! "WHO'S COUNTING?!"

I have to say, if I had to pick my ALL-TIME favorite Kristen Wiig character, it'd be Target Lady. <- Observe. Real Target Cashiers are never like this. No, they are usually hipstery types or bros or old people that take too long when they handle the money. Kristin Wiig quotes from Saturday Night Live : "I'm gonna whip that fake-ass weave off your head! Here comes midnight bitch!"- from the Disney Princesses skit featuring Lindsay Lohan and lest we forget, potentially the greatest Kristen Wiig-centric skit of ALL TIME. She steals the thunder from Christopher Walken and THAT says something. Let me just preface this skit with saying everytime  I say OH MY GAWD I hear OH MY GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWD in my head: question:  your favorite Kristen Wiig skit? 

BOTH FITZGERALDS, who are both dead and from different ends of the 1940s! There's something beautiful yet scary by this damned literary match. Lots of drinking, lots of partying, lots of writing that deteriorated with time. Then a heart attack and a fire at the insane asylum claimed their lives. Don't ask me if Zelda was talented. DIDN'T KNOW HER. Basically, they were the substantial LiLos of their time, almost. oh my god LiLo does your brain even work? UGH WHATEVER F. Scott, one of the best writers of the old century. Here's one of his best-known short stories, Bernice Bobs Her Hair. “That is part of the beauty of all literature. You discover that your longings are universal longings, that you're not lonely and isolated from anyone. You belong.”  - F. Scott

LINDSAY LOHAN HAS BEEN RELEASED FROM PRISON. wtf? can we just pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars? I COULD REALLY USE A WISH RIGHT NOW. the hoochie

- LiLo is headed to prison. I need a video of her reaction for this. let me go search. it was so dramatic. what a crack whore, sorry for my choice of termniology here, but BITCH YOU COULD HAVE SEEN THIS COMING IN 2005. she's all like- (turn to LAWYER) BITCH SAY WHAT? I'M LILO E-TRADE WANTS TO BE ME. and the lawyer is just like I WANT TO PUNCH YOU IN YOUR VAGINA, LILO. - Justin Bieber is headed to N. Korea. BON VOYAGE

PARENTS DON'T LET YOUR KIDS GROW UP TO BE CHILD STARS