My Life With Rihanna
Guys, I've been hiding a secret from you. It's been painful and it's been hard, but I've decided to come clean. Clean as the day I was born. Just kidding, that was a messy, painful and gross day. I don't remember it for many reasons, but have been told I slipped out of my mom like a slick poop. Here is my confession. Bless me father, for I have sinned. And this one's pretty bad. I've been dating Rihanna. Yeah, I know you heard SOMETHING about Kutcher and then SOMETHING about Chris Brown again THOSE DUDES ARE JUST COVERS. OUR LOVE IS REAL. ETERNAL. GLORIOUS. WILL NEVER DIE. I hired this dude to sing for her. And jump out of a cake. So what has it been like? A whirlwind, surely. One moment we're antiquing, the next moment she's tonguing me in a Chevy in a parking lot demanding I wear a dog collar. Yeah, I wear dog collars a lot. It's cool. Here's a sample of our conversations: me: so do you want to like,...