The Useless Critic 2.0

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Let me start by explaining that I am not an Oprah fanatic.  I have watched her show maybe three times in my life—mostly as a way to spend time with my grandmother—and while I liked The Oprah Winfrey Show well enough, it was never something I made an effort to watch.  (I have been reading her magazine and LOVING IT and basing my life around it since I was 12 years old, but that’s an entirely different story.) Make no mistake, I think she is awesome.  It just feels weird to say that when I’ve hardly ever heard her voice. Anyway, there’s no escaping Oprah, and I think that the end of her 25 years on TV is significant for most people, whether they watch her or not.  Oprah kind of represents the American dream.  She is the quintessential rags to riches—and I’m not even being totally metaphorical, because she’s, what, the richest woman in the world? You’ve probably seen parts of what’s been happening on Oprah in the last week.  Surprises, celebr...

Take your mom to see Thor . Marvel at Chris Hemsworth or Natalie Portman or both. I mean, it's your choice, and I'm not judging. Make her listen to Tyler the Creator with you. If there's anything Mom is sure to love, it's lyrics like: I'm not gay, I just wanna boogie to some Marvin (What you think of Hayley Williams?) Fuck her, Wolf Haley robbing them I'll crash that fucking airplane that that faggot nigga B.o.B is in And stab Bruno Mars in his goddamn esophagus And won't stop until the cops come in I'm an over achiever, so how about I start a team of leaders And pick up Stevie Wonder to be the wide receiver? Take her to Applebee's or Red Lobster or Chili's WHICHEVER SHE LIKES. TODAY IS HER DAY. Tell her you admire her for having a human come out of her vagina, because that's not ever happening here (points to self). Make her watch the "Judas" video: count all pop culture references! WASH YOUR FEET WITH MY HAIR...

okay so it's well-known by now in some circles the fondness I have for current television news anchors. I mean, I'll be frank with you, right now it's all about Diane Sawyer for me. I love her. not in a creepy "I want her" way- although she is a beautiful older woman- she just calms me. I want to hug her and have tea with her. that kind of way. but Katie was my first love. Katie was the first person that I saw on the news who made me feel like despite the world falling apart around me, it would all somehow work itself out. the knots would come undone- the sky would not cave in. I would not be killed by anthrax or a hijacked plane. get what I'm saying? Katie was very much a big part of my life in the years between being 9 and 15. When I got to high school, the morning show love affairs stopped. I couldn't watch Katie and Matt and Al and Anne anymore. God I bet other people have the same memories I do. I remember Al when he was still fat; I remember when Jo...

so Eat Pray Love invades movie theaters this weekend like an STD on a dirty penis. mmm. I couldn't think of a more apt metaphor. I have tried (and subsequently failed) to read this book. I lump it together in that section of literature I consider "stuff my mom would read if she was a little cooler" (how can you be cooler than my mom, though? that's really throwing the gauntlet down). It's like how I consider Twilight literature I'd read if I were 13 and desperate to fit in with the girls that give it up in the closet during "Seven Minutes In Heaven." you know what I mean! The first few lines put me so off. If this woman, Elizabeth Gilbert, was within striking distance of me, I would have thrown the damn book at her head. I had the same feeling when I started reading A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius - that I had to sit in front of some insufferable, pompous narrator that was in love with their self. not my bag, really. I deal with this enou...

So by now I'm sure you've heard that the International Olympic Committee selected Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, as the location for the 2016 Summer Olympic Games, as well as the 2016 Summer Paralympics. Other finalists included Chicago, Tokyo, and Madrid. Going into the final voting, Chicago and Rio de Janeiro were thought to be the favorites. Chicago was summarily knocked out of the running in the first round. As a native Chicagoan (born, raised, and living here at the present time), I think I can safely speak for the vast majority of us: we're glad we didn't get it. There have been plenty of celebrities, athletes, and Very Important People (ranging from Barack and Michelle Obama to Oprah to Michaels Phelps) who have supported the nomination, but the common opinion has largely been that of ambivalence. The main issue is that of financing. From whence will the money come to pay for the Olympic Village (and stadiums, etc)? In part from private investors--who may not have the f...

There's been a very prevalent trend among the spawn of Hollywood legends (and not-so-legends...Ryan O'Neill, in my book, will never qualify). I would trace this back to Christina Crawford's tell-all, which because that infamous cult classic, Mommie Dearest . If you have seen it, there's no need for me to wax on it. It doesn't paint the film icon in a positive light, and I think we can all safely assume there was some exaggeration involved. Then you go forward to like, Ryan and Tatum, and so many others that I don't feel like naming. "Oh, blah blah blah, my famous dad/mom/guardian was SUCH a dick, let me tell the world about it and meanwhile collect publicity for myself kthnx ." Well now we can Mackenzie Phillips, daughter of famed PAPA JOHN Phillips of the Mamas and the Papas to that list. apparently, on a recent interview with talk show guru/deity Oprah, (if you haven't heard this by now LISTEN UP) slept with her dad when they were both in the m...