The Useless Critic 2.0

2006: I am a freshman at Edinboro University. Having grown up with dial-up, arriving at Edinboro introduced me to the world of high-speed internet. I was HOOKED. Naturally I began to abuse internet radio first and foremost. I was exposed to a lot of great music that year. Beirut, Final Fantasy, Joanna Newsom, M.I.A. I remember the first time I heard the National. It was a rainy gross-ass Edinboro day, which is about 360 days out of the year. The song was "All the Wine." Whoa!  I remember thinking. What a cocky asshole . "I'm a birthday candle in a circle of black girls," Matt spits in the song, like he is spitting right on you, the listener. ??? What does that even mean? Do you know how many circles of black girls around cupcakes I have imagined to this song? "I am a perfect piece of ass." Of course it's a parody, but the light's not quite on in my developing brain.  . I was appalled! And rather bored. I listened to the s...

The Top Five Moments in the Madonna-Verse 5.) "Like a Prayer" when she makes out with black Jesus I was probably 3 when my sister and I watched "Like a Prayer" together on MTV. A beautiful, BEAUTIFUL video, but needless to say, my toddler self did NOT get it. Nonetheless:  GET IT GIRLLLLL yeah that's not the right one...deal with it, bitch. 4.) When she made out with Christina Aguilera and everyone forgot about it Let's be honest:  I too have made the mistake of making out with Christina Aguilera. What was it like? TONGUING A TOILET. Next, puhlease. CAN SMASH GET CANCELLED LIKE NOW? SERIOUSLY? (I know, I know, but my mind is warped and I tend to confuse the Voice and Smash)  3.) When she put out "Hung Up" sampling ABBA Arguably, one of her best songs. At the time this was released upon the world, I was drudging away at McDonald's, dreaming of bloody suicide. I like to believe this song prevented that from happening.  2.) When she gu...

Christmas 2011 wasn't especially horrible or great for me. It was just kind of there; an okay, quiet day in a stretch of chaos. It was the first year we had it just at home, which is kind of a bummer. I don't always have the greatest memories of my grandmother, but her house this time of year was tradition. I can still remember sitting on the white sofa in the living room once done eating, just listening to Christmas music and my cousins bickering around me, trying to center myself. but that is all the past. this year my cousins did their own thing on Jaysus' birthday, leaving me, my parents, and my siblings to fend for ourselves.  sometimes my mom comes up with big ideas she thinkssss will be amazing and tries to gently implement into our standing traditions. my family isn't big on change. my father is very much into (well, what appears like) black-and-white thinking. if my father were a caveman, I feel he'd say something like this:  FIRE! WHY DO WE NEEDS FIRE! ...

I've decided to spend the rest of November making 30 posts about songs that mean a lot to me or have a special place in my heart. this is partially in response to a writing challenge directed to me by my frans Ryan and Jeffrey. I could do poetry, but no. Poetry takes too much from me now. Sometimes I do it, but like recreational drugs, it's something I tip my toes in selectively. And prose! WELL THAT'S GOT A WHOLE LOT GOING ON THERE, SON.  So let me start with "England" by the National, which has become the anthem to 2011 in my head.   When I first heard this song, I wasn't such a fan. I don't recall why. I guess I just wrote it off as "boring." But then it kept coming up again and again and AGAIN. And again! I think I really started listening to this song once I got to New York, although it's arguable I heard it before then and nodded and said something to myself like "oh, that's pretty."  It's not just prett...

It's my time, bitches! MY TIME!  There is only ONE No Doubt album I have not touched on, my beautiful friends, my sweet readers. And that is their second album, the Beacon Street Collection . Lo and behold, I present to you one track off this album, which was a lot stronger then their self-titled introductory effort:  "Squeal." (trust me, I'm not alone on that sentiment. I spent enough time at the No Doubt fan forum way back when to know it was common knowledge! Noobs). I maintain the attitude that is an unfortunate album cover. Here it is back on their 2009 tour (they often whipped out a classic track to spice things up, on my VISITATION it was seeing them do a cover of Sublime's "DJs"): the lyrics:  I thought we had agreed  That we were in this together But now that you have betrayed me I got no other option Why can't you keep a secret Why'd you squeal I thought that it was private It's a tea party and you...