The Useless Critic 2.0

I did a Christmas one a long time ago, so here is my follow-up.  I am older and more jaded now, so excuse me if my youthful exuberance has vanished. And I know that I said I didn't want to post more right now, but I'm attempting to do it because it makes me feel better. 2013 has been hard. I am hoping 2014 holds something more promising for me. God knows what that is, really. I know, I KNOW: they are speaking IKEA. Chapter 1: The Background I live in Collegetown USA now, so no one really decorates. They are all too busy being drunk and having sex. BRA? BRA?!!?!?! I only have the first thing in common with them. What I am writing about will be things from memory andddd what the Internet tells me is popular. The Internet has never lied to me. Chapter 2: The Costumes When I was very little I went as the Cookie Monster for several years in a row. Then I went as a fairy, then Casper the Ghost, then Robin from Batman & Robin, then I went ...

mine, ahem: "Werewolf Bar Mitzvah"- Tracy Jordan/30Rock  (question:  HOW MUCH DOES IT SUCK WE HAVE TO WAIT FOR THIS SHOW TO RETURN? damn you Tina Fey!) "Thriller"- Michael Jackson (advice:  you should listen to as MANY DEAD CELEBRITIES AS YOU CAN on Halloween. Let's brainstorm: Elliott Smith, John Lennon, Mama Cass, Michael Jackson...actually, just have an Elliott Smith/Michael Jackson dance-off). "Vampire Girl"- Johnathan Richman (so much fun!) "Psycho Killer"- Talking Heads (BA BA BA BA) "Witchy Woman"- The Eagles "I Put A Spell On You"- She & Him cover (because we love Zooey DAT much. I wonder what she will be for Halloween? God, probably a pumpkin!) "Great Pumpkin Waltz"- Vince Guaraldi trio anything by the Smashing Pumpkins (but not when they began to suck) "Halloweenhead"- Ryan Adams Boys For Pele era Tori because BITCH CRAZYYYYYY "Party"- Beyonce, because let's as...

Notice the white sheets ;)

Dear Dearest Jamie Lee Curtis But Only from 1978, QATFYG: So do you ever wonder if you could travel back in time? Well, I sure do because I was rather intrigued with your performance in Halloween from 1978. WINK! I know that you pretended to play a very timid, naive, and confused girl in the film where your Uncle Michael runs around and chops people up like they are calamari, fresh tuna, or salmon. However, I sensed something different about your performance. I was pretty sure you were into a guy like me. I do not have a real solid reason, but I will say that I'm glad you like Halloween candy because I'm as sweet as a gobstopper. If you come by my house some time, we can do trick or treat, and I hope you pick the treat option because the trick would ultimately lead to some sort of felony. Anyway, I rather enjoyed that one film you were in as well....oh yes...Halloween: Resurrection...with Busta Rhymes WINK! Yours Truly, Busta Rhymes

Look Below for the Largest Piece of Halloween Propaganda at my local video stores. Yesterday, while I was pretending to be interested in renting movies from my nearest video store, I happened to notice they have set up their display for this Season of Halloween Horror-filled films. This event is entitled " Spooky Cinema Series. " Indeed, the largest pieces of their display are the poster and cases of "Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid." For the Halloween Season, the spookiest choice they could muster up was a movie about a big scary snake....giggle giggle giggle. They chose the Anaconda Franchise over Michael Myers in "Halloween" and even over "Earnest Scared Stupid!" WTF You Denigrating Bastards? Strange Tastes in the Spooky. In case you are wondering, I live in Alaska, and movie rentals are not a dying breed at all. There are as many video stores here as there are fast food hubs. In all seriousness, there is a rather charming "Vid...

For Starters this one is for BrittM Type O Negative; Black N°1 Top Pick Halloween song. and for fun, The powerful voice of Barry White. Because he rules. So I made a Halloween Mix; but it is on my other computer i.e. not here. Alors; here is my little sound for Halloween. QATFYG: Would Barry White have made a good Jack Skellington?

I would put more time or thought or energy into this, but I'm going by the seat of my pants. I mean "Running With the Devil" by Van Halen is great and all, and Judas Priest does inspire me to kill on occasions, but by now I think everyone in the universe knows I am going to Uffie on October 31st. As my dear friend Ryan told me, this means I need blonde hair and lots of eye make-up and potentially fishnets. And I know the great American movie Mean Girls said that Halloween is the one chance us prim and proper LAYDEEZ have chances to dress like hoochies. Not that I am really a lady, more of a sloppy woman-child that little boys on sidewalks scream "TINA FEY" at (seriously this happened Friday), but would you ever see me in torn clothes and heels otherwise? Besides, I do have this really weird obsession with her. I don't know how it began. I think it's because I realized I care too much about most things and Uffie feels like the anti-me. plus she's jus...

So I will definitely post a Halloween mix during Halloween mix, but just for fun here is the instrumental "Michael Kills Judith" from none other than Halloween. Go John Carpenter. If anyone is interested all of the halloween soundtrack/themes/scores/ can be found from this vid. QATFYG: What is your favorite Horror theme?

Halloween is creeping up soon, and thanks to Jenny and Johnny, I have a couple of costume ideas for you. Last night during their show at the Troubadour here in LA, they mentioned their Halloween costumes for this year. Jenny said she's going to dress up as Best Ghoast and Johnathan as Gravves. Johnathan then said, "That's for all the bloggers out there". Whoever is seeing them on Halloween in New Orleans take note of this, especially if you're a fellow blogger.

So we are now into the month of October, and this is the season for all things Halloween, including Jack O Lanterns. Which do you prefer? Kanye Themed created by a member of the Cheetah Girls. The JackOBellaOCullen Or the --pause for gasp-- KELLY OSBOURNE! QATFYG: If you could put any face on pumpkin, who's would it be?

hold a gun to your head? teabag you? make you smell my crotch? bake pancakes? let me know; I'm all ears. I personally am probably going to see this. the Sarah Palin joke won me over. Sarah Jessica Parker + Hugh Grant = WIN sorry I've been so absent lately. life is rough. how was Halloweenie for you? do anything exciting? be attacked by ghosts? the Roma? H1N1? are there less trick-or-treaters now than ever???? :O

Yesterday Jason and I caught Paranormal Activity , which has been getting a lot of word-of-mouth (the way I heard of it was through my own brother actually) buzz these past few weeks. and I'm not much of a horror film person (at ALL) but I was like "oh what the hell! it's Halloween!" it's being billed as the next Blair Witch , which is a double-edged sword (consider a.) how much luck the people that worked on that film had afterwards and b.) that it's such a joke, in retrospect) because of the low budget and camerawork and it's reliance on story rather than names or huge special effects. and it works very well. the first half of the movie kind of drags, is kind of a bore. yawn. like- the protagonists, Micah and Catie (who are real people OMFGZ ) are really not likable at all. especially Micah. oh my god I hated him. he was SUCH a douche. the girl's okay, but like, why stick with him, woman? you have a demon following you around, your boyfriend's j...

Because I'm as corny as all hell, I decided that from, this point forward, I will be doing a series of posts related to the upcoming HALLOWEEN holiday. !!! I'm so original, right? shut up. Anyway, I'm not a big horror film buff. nope. never. they bother me way too much and I tend to dwell on them an unhealthy amount. I shit my pants rather easily. but there's one person I've been able to appreciate enough and that's Alfred Hitchcock. I know that's a cliche, but I enjoy his work. it's hard to pick a favorite though. "Notorious" (1946) = CARY GRANT AND INGRID BERGMAN. ' nuff said. gorgeous film; classic noir ! "Psycho" (1961)= one of my favorite movies of all time, believe it or not. just the way the story is told and the unsettling creepiness of Anthony Perkins. I think it was very ahead of its time, in a way. love, love, love this. not as terrifying as it was the first time around I saw it, but I still manage to enjoy every viewi...