The Useless Critic 2.0

Someone sent me this infographic the other day regarding the hidden dangers of energy drinks- Please Include Attribution to OnlineDegrees.org With This Graphic This comes from OnlineDegrees.org. While I can't say I agree with it 100 percent, it's definitely eye-opening.... *glug glug RockStar glug* I'M SORRY I HAVE A PROBLEM

Questions for You: Do you ever drink energy drinks and wish they could make your penis larger?  If you responded yes, or even if you responded no, you’re in luck. Extenze has now gone for the energy  drink salt lick and put a new shot-sized product that is identical in shape to 5 Hour Energy.  So what’s the real deal? Is this a thrill or a lame chill? What’s it taste like? Does it provide results? At first sip, the Extenze   Shot tastes rather strong, as do most in this size (giggles). It is like syrup, and it doesn’t taste as sweet as one can expect.  After two minutes, I began to wonder “Why is my face hot?” IT’S MAKING THE WRONG HEAD EXTEND. They failed to mention on the label that this drink includes paranoia, and it also leads to hyperactivity such as humming show tunes off key.  After three minutes, I began to wonder…why am I sweating? But only in my face? Like seriously, what is in this shit? My face is burning, and I am...

Oh My Gosh, it’s really big, really thick, and really hard.  Shut up you perverts , I am talking about the protein energy drink, Carnivor…not spelled Carnivore. They drop the E because the E is for Energy, and their Energy is already inside you.  This one hosts the claim of having the %350 more concentrated protein than pure steak. It offers 50 grams of the strong stuff, and the first sip is intense.  No joke when saying it’s thick. The first taste of Carnivor is like tasting water and chalk, and you have that moment where you stare at the can and ask yourself “What flavor is this again?” “Fruit Punch?”   “That’s some chalky-ass fruit punch!” Don’t get me wrong, the taste is not awful. After the first sip, it becomes rather palatable. It’s just very strong and surprises you with the intensity… (shut up again you perverts)! Carnivor’s drink is more like Five Hour Energy Shots than red bull. It does not contain carbonation, and it is focused...

There was one time in my life where I wouldn't have made the drastic decision to touch an energy drink. I remember when Red Bull emerged on the market and I was like "wtf is this shit.  NO OF COURSE I WON'T TRY IT; I'M A GOOD PERSON." I'm a really good person, y'all can attest to this. Well, go to last year, when I knew there was absolutely NO WAY FOR THE LOVE OF GOD I was going to get through my morning American lit review (which was kind of interesting, just boring and so early!) without CAFFEINE. so I started downing sugarfree energy drinks. I started downing a lot of sugarfree energy drinks. I think I may have offset my heart rhythm. Now:  I have one a day. Especially because I've been off coffee like whoa, not willingly, but as a matter of laziness (and not knowing too many good brewers in my neck of the woods, because I'm not a Starbucks coffee fan, I just like the Americano). And God, I cannot function without caffeine. I just can...