The Useless Critic 2.0

Sometimes I read about things at night when I can't sleep (I have occasional insomnia and I'm seriously scared of my own shadow, so there's that). Typically I read about celebrities, because it's the most non-threatening thing to me. Sometimes it's about other things, like historical events or cities I'd like to visit.  And lately, I just go to a snarky message board meant for gay men. I know I am not a gay man and I do not like men, so I'm a little bit of an outlier. Nonetheless I love their snark and their theories that all celebrities are gay or sex addicts. It's been QUITE eye-opening for me. Also: I'm too shy to chime in at all. Plus I know nothing so I just keep to myself. Anyway, like two weeks ago I read this rather long thread about Keanu Reeves' sexuality. And I was like "!!!!" because I always thought of Neo being straight, but in retrospect he is pretty ambiguous  isn't he? Also: DO NOT LOOK AT RECENT PICTURES OF HIM...

They have all joined together for a movie that- daresay I- looks good! Seriously though, this kind of meta-comedy project is my wet dream. Plus, it's not "Spring Breakers."  AHHHH It just looks...ridiculously goofy. And I, being goofy, respect, enjoy and appreciate my own kind. But don't take my word for it, LeVar Burton!  Here it is: What do you think? I'd like to believe Rihanna survives the Biblical End of Days. 

I'm borrowing Rebecca's voice for this blog. Yes, Justin Bieber I'm calling you out.  No longer a lesbian; now the white answer to Grace Jones. Please. Go away. At this point, I would take James Franco ("Spring Breakers" and all) over you.  Or at least take a break and say it's for "spiritual reasons."  I can't take you, your monkey, your drugs or your unneighborly ways in my Google news anymore.  Do you know who you could become? Yup.

If you are at all familiar with the "Oz" canon (and I don't mean the prison-based TV show) then you likely know that "The Wizard of Oz" wasn't the end-all be-all to the saga. And finally, one of these other chapters is coming to life with a cast that includes: - Rachel Weisz - James Franco (sigh) - Mila Kunis - Michelle Williams  It's a Disney production and it looks relatively good. And I hate to say this but I think James and Mila have some serious chemistry between them. Take a look: And lest we forget: ;) p.s. I met a relative of L. Frank Baum's on the Greyhound last week. I'll update you on that excursion when I feel better. 

I pulled through. You were probably doubting me, and that is OKAY and perfectly understandable. I deserve to be doubted. Oh, irony . WHATEVS. Today let's go back. FAR. like beginning of time far, like Planet of the Apes I Hate You So Much James Franco far. See:  THEIR FIRST ALBUM. Controversial, because like I said before, it kind of sucks. :/ it happens.  The song "Trapped In a Box" from this album is a rare gem. Let me go wikipedia the album listing. Yeah this and "Move On." DUMP THE REST OF IT IT'S SHIT (sorry)  Tom Dumont wrote this song, in a rare show of words. That's right, Mr. Tom Dumont, the sulky metal-loving guitarist of the band, born on January 11th, the same day as one of my uncles! small world I guess. he looks rather happy and peaceful there. that's how I'd like to think of Mr. Dumont.  well, this song was written as a commentary on the role of television in people's lifestyles. I don't have a TV...

JAMES FRANCO or MADONNA let me get the ball rolling with saying while I do love Madonna James Franco seems like he would go Uffie-crazy after the show. JUST SAYING so James Franco for me.

WHERE THE FUCK IS MILA'S NOMINATION I'M NOT SEEING IT ANYWHERE AND THIS IS MAKING ME ANGRY are James Franco and Anne Hathaway (aka the new Catwoman, I don't know how to feel about that, Christie let me see you in a leather outfit some time then we'll talk) going to suck as hosts? is it going to make you feel as awkward as watching Ricky Gervais? because that was like a car skidding off the side of the highway and you are like "oh stop car please!" but then BOOM so let's just do this: major categories BEST PICTURES The Fighter Inception The Kids Are All Right The King's Speech 127 Hours The Social Network Toy Story 3 True Grit Winter's Bone The Social Network what will probably win: The Social Network because Facebook obviously owns the world. but I could see the King's Speech or Inception making a go for it. props to Toy Story 3 and what is Winter Bone? I'm glad neither Kathie Lee Gifford or Hoda Kotb know either. I feel comforted. BEST...

"Date Night" opens next Friday. On paper, it's a comedic dream team. Tina Fey. Steve Carell. but yet, when I finally caught the trailer, I was surprised because it did nothing for me: It also stars Mark Wahlberg, James Franco and OH MY GOD MILA KUNIS. but yeah, I would say it's less than I expected. still somewhat funny (in the middle, at least- "I don't want the kids to live with your mother!!!!") what do you think? also, the iPad was opened to the public to BUY BUY BUY today in New York City. some people waited for days to purchae the thing. I will not be able til afford this until 2013 and then it will be the less superior version which I will somehow manage to break. do you give a shit? y/n/maybe and also: HAPPY EASTER!