The Useless Critic 2.0

This episode starts with some good ol' hipster bashing at the cupcake shop, as an obnoxious hipster guy asks for another refill. In response, Max mocks him for wearing overalls. All of a sudden, the guy starts drumming his hands on the table, which pisses Max off even more. Caroline reminds her not to give attitude, as they're not in the diner. She also tells the guy to help himself to a fresh mocha almond refill. Andy walks by the shop and Max waves, but Caroline doesn't seem too happy about it. "He didn't die just because you stopped letting him touch your boobies," Max explains. Moments before Andy walks into the shop, Caroline runs and hides in the back, blaming Max's wave for starting it. "I'm sorry, my hand is friendly. Ask any guy in high school," Max justifies. Andy asks Max how Caroline is doing. He also wants to make sure everything's cool between him and Max, as she hasn't texted him a picture of an unlikely animal f...

#2 on the Pop Culture Countdown of Moments That Were/Are of No Significance To You- Chris Brown and Rihanna: the Saga Never Ends and God, may it never! Why did our generation's Sean Penn and Madonna break up? Hmm, oh, didn't he hit her? *hits forehead* that must be why, duh! Gahhhhh. Rihanna, I think you are a beautiful and talented young woman, but what the hell ? And Chris Brown, really?!?! Don't you have like two good songs? Justin Bieber before you, always.  Biebs or a softball coach? you decide!  Well, ever since these lovebirds parted ways in 2009, it's been tabloid porn, really. Paparazzis jizz for this stuff. And me? I pray they either permanently part ways or disappear a la Jimmy Hoffa. Rihanna has been linked to a plethora of men, good ones and bad ones alike. I personally thought the Kemp guy was a good match (for obvious reasons HINT HINT). Ashton Kutcher and her were once linked, but unfortunately, Mr. Toolbag has hooked up with Mila ...

Guys, I've been hiding a secret from you. It's been painful and it's been hard, but I've decided to come clean. Clean as the day I was born. Just kidding, that was a messy, painful and gross day. I don't remember it for many reasons, but have been told I slipped out of my mom like a slick poop.  Here is my confession. Bless me father, for I have sinned. And this one's pretty bad. I've been dating Rihanna. Yeah, I know you heard SOMETHING about Kutcher and then SOMETHING about Chris Brown again THOSE DUDES ARE JUST COVERS. OUR LOVE IS REAL. ETERNAL. GLORIOUS. WILL NEVER DIE. I hired this dude to sing for her. And jump out of a cake. So what has it been like? A whirlwind, surely. One moment we're antiquing, the next moment she's tonguing me in a Chevy in a parking lot demanding I wear a dog collar. Yeah, I wear dog collars a lot. It's cool. Here's a sample of our conversations: me:   so do you want to like,...

CHRIS BROWN vs. ROBIN ROBERTS I can't get behind you on this Chris. Robin Roberts is so nice; she's like if a cupcake had a soul. GET OUT

So the other day I came across the brilliance of www.mostoffensivevideo.com, which I passed on to fellow blogger, Brittany. This is by far the funniest web page I've been to in the year 2009. I don't really remember other years’ videos. So this is all I have to go on. The best they have to offer is their parodies of the Peanuts Gang, which was made famous by Charlie Brown's Kwanzaa. Yes Charlie Brown and his bunch of innocent, clean-cut, cutesy mutha fuckas have been transformed into a bunch of foul-mouthed, obscene, vulgar, mutha fuckas. And did I mention that in the parodies, all the characters’ races have been changed, so the Peanuts Gang is all black. And they drop the N bomb faster than Chris Brown could pulverize Rihanna’s face on a Saturday night. To give an example of this great humor, in the special It’s Mutha Fuckin Ramadan Charlie Brown…where Chuck decides to convert to Islam, he says, : My name is not Charlie Brown anymore. It’s Osama Vendejo. or Sally Brown: I...