The Useless Critic 2.0

This another guest post by Taylor Birk Natalie Portman had no role in writing this Whatsoever I’m counting down the days until Nov. 8 2013. Seriously. I have a countdown on my calendar. Why? What’s so special about Nov. 8 ? If you don’t know, we probably can’t be friends (okay, not really). Nov. 8 marks the release date for Marvel’s next superhero film, "Thor: The Dark World." In case you couldn’t already tell, I’m dying. Thor is my favorite of all the Avengers and I adored the first film, released back in 2011. It was action packed and had a stunning cast to go along with a fantastic director. Plus, let’s be honest, Chris Hemsworth is quite nice to look at. This sequel is supposed to take place approximately one year after the events in "The Avengers." An ancient civilization, known as the Dark Elves, are trying to take over the Nine Realms and it’s Thor’s task to stop them. Leading the Elves is Malekith the Accursed (played by the amazing Christophe...

Take your mom to see Thor . Marvel at Chris Hemsworth or Natalie Portman or both. I mean, it's your choice, and I'm not judging. Make her listen to Tyler the Creator with you. If there's anything Mom is sure to love, it's lyrics like: I'm not gay, I just wanna boogie to some Marvin (What you think of Hayley Williams?) Fuck her, Wolf Haley robbing them I'll crash that fucking airplane that that faggot nigga B.o.B is in And stab Bruno Mars in his goddamn esophagus And won't stop until the cops come in I'm an over achiever, so how about I start a team of leaders And pick up Stevie Wonder to be the wide receiver? Take her to Applebee's or Red Lobster or Chili's WHICHEVER SHE LIKES. TODAY IS HER DAY. Tell her you admire her for having a human come out of her vagina, because that's not ever happening here (points to self). Make her watch the "Judas" video: count all pop culture references! WASH YOUR FEET WITH MY HAIR...