The Useless Critic 2.0

I got Facebook back in 2006. There are few pictures on Facebook in 2006. What they had to give me were celebrity pictures my friends and I apprehended for giggles (teeheehee.) Oh, and one memorable librarian (which got my 18-year-old self in trouble, lolz.) My Facebook movie was cute. Most of the updates were from the past year ("Hey everyone, I'm not dead!" "YAY, YOU'RE NOT DEAD!") I couldn't help but be a LITTLE disappointed. So, summoning my inner Peter Jackson, here is what that movie should have been like: 2006: Break up with Scarlett Johansson Years later, in interview after stepping down as the Oxfam ambassador: "You know, sometimes I wonder about the poor decisions I've made. And I haven't made a lot because I'm nearly perfect, but like marrying Ryan Reynolds letting Britt get away was just a big mistake. I cry about it a lot." (like) 2007: Break stuff with Britney Spears Britney said: "Bri...

Dear Mr. President,  I do not claim to be unique. I do not claim to be any different than the 314 million other residents of the United States. I know my thoughts and opinions are not one-of-a-kind, and that countless others share them. The statements expressed in this article have been and will be repeated for generations and generations to come.  Today 20 school children, many under the age of 7, were gunned down in their class room.   A school, meant to foster growth, to promote education, and to shape young minds was violated in the most heinous of ways. As I listen to the new coverage a recurring theme occurs:       “What can we learn from this shooting?”       “What we can take away from this?”        “How does this resemble the attack in," Another year...             “The gunman was," Another age. Another N...

Hey, are things not ridiculousness enough? It turns out that zero percent of Black People want to vote for Mitt Romney. There is not a single black person in the entire country that supports the Republican for President in 2012.  Does that sound like a joke?  Well, read this excerpt from Daily Kos.  " Looking inside the numbers, Obama continues to lead Romney among key parts of his political base, including African Americans (94 percent to 0 percent) , Latinos (by a 2-to-1 margin), voters under 35-years-old (52 percent to 41 percent) and women (51 percent to 41 percent). Romney is ahead with whites (53 percent to 40 percent), rural voters (47 percent to 38 percent) and seniors (49 percent to 41 percent). Zero. For historical reference, George W. Bush received 11% of the black vote in 2004." The only black people that are supporting Mitt Romney and the Republican party for president are the margin of error.   Talk about unpopular. Questions...

Are you just going to look at this photo and not read a single word of the article? It's cool; the only reason I read it is because I was the one who wrote it. Hey, look. It's a picture of Rush Limbaugh back when he had hair. I have no idea if this is old news or new news, but I will certify that it was dug up today on Yahoo for some reason. The words of Conservative talk show host Rush Limbaugh surfaced again during a segment that surprisingly also mentioned Morrissey. Rush Limbaugh's Statement on Barack Obama: "He's becoming Barack Kardashian. I'll tell you that's what he’s becoming,” Limbaugh said Tuesday on his talk show . “He is becoming the male Kim Kardashian with this stuff, and it's been building. He is [the] celebrity of the United States." Really? I mean, I know some people just say stuff to get attention and to get noticed by media outlets and crying agencies such as Yahoo News. However, Really? Obama is Barack Kardashian?...

Hello and Welcome to another edition of Alaskan Nader Free Advertising here at the Useless Critic. Topic of the Day: www.Slick.com The next presidential election is right around the corner, and there is nothing more important than concrete political humor. If you love Barack Obama, Slick.com can sell you one of his $3 Bills (seen above). Yes indeed, have a good hearty laugh at our president. $3 Bills. Limp Bizkit would be proud. If you hate Barack Obama, Slick.com can sell you the 3 cent bill. After all it is not even worth a buck! It’s kind of like a three dollar bill, except with 1/100 of the value. Because as we all know, Obama has done 1/100 of the job. This is as close as Obama will ever get to change . More importantly, There is plenty of merchandise on Hilary Clinton So go visit www.Slick.com where you can purchase all the material seen here in pads of 25! And if you want to call Mumbai, India to place your order 1-800-669-8444 QATFYG: In...

I am currently devouring THE HISTORY OF LOVE by Nicole Krauss. She's married to Jonathan Safran Foer, another amazing modern (most of the writers I like are dead people). I can't recommend to you this book enough. there seems to a lot of Jewish identity literature out there right now, but it's all remarkable. and heartbreaking and beautiful and human etc. things I look for in a novel. funny, too. the movie is coming out in early 2011, so get on that shit, friend. also, Ms. Krauss just put out Great House not too long ago. have you read that yet? what are you reading, anyway? SMUT? their writing styles are similar. so I have this fantasy of these two married writers giving each other feedback and proofreading and etc. I bet they sit in bed after sex and read each other's scenes and are like "DARLING, THIS ADJECTIVE SHOULD GO THERE." ah! Dunkin Donuts opens on November 23rd. Harry Potter comes out soon and Wenli is dragging me to see it (wish you could come, Eu...

I came across two spectacular fashion-related items today, and I must say that I am rather jealous. First, Anna Wintour (omgannawintour!) is hosting a dinner at her house - possibly as I write this - to benefit the Democratic National Committee. Regardless of politics, this has to be the best and most expensive party - er, elegant and fashionable gathering - happening tonight. It seems that it costs $30,000 to get inside Anna’s house. I am hoping that my invitation was tragically misplaced. Seriously, Anna, why the cold shoulder? @WWD Also, W is filming some documentary about its September issue. Hasn’t this been done before? Wasn’t it called, oh, I don’t know, “The September Issue”? And did it not feature Vogue and Anna Wintour? Yes, it did. I’m not sure how W is going to make a better documentary out of this than The September Issue . Almost no one cares that Stefano Tonchi is W ’s new editor-in-chief. The general opinion about the mere idea of this documentary seems to be le...

As you all probably know by this point, there was a huge earthquake in the poorest country on the nation, Haiti. (which makes you wonder about things like nature and fate- WTF? can't they get a break?) Over 100,000 are reported to be dead/missing. Now typically I try to focus on music and literature and nice alternatives to the bleakness of everyday life (really that's how I see it) but I can't really like, let this go by without posting this: http://www.google.com/relief/haitiearthquake/#utm_campaign=en&utm_source=en-ha-na-us-sk&utm_medium=ha&utm_term=haiti%20humanitarian Google collected shortcuts to all these various charities that are helping with the victims in this situation. It makes it easy to donate money, fast. Barack Obama has done a nice job of reacting swiftly. his speech yesterday, I think, was one of his best by far. And also, this tragic event gave Pat Robertson a big chance to exercise his anus. Oops I meant mouth! keep Haiti in your thoughts an...

Ripped From the Headlines of Washington Post: So in China over the past few weeks one of hottest selling items of all time was the Obamao icon, featuring Obama himself dressed and posed as Chairman Mao Zedung (spelling of that name varies.) Then all of a sudden, all the Obamao iconography disappeared. What gives? I think China's media got tapped.

so how do you guys feel about President Obama being named the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize winner? I will be mum on my feelings of the matter, but....

So by now I'm sure you've heard that the International Olympic Committee selected Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, as the location for the 2016 Summer Olympic Games, as well as the 2016 Summer Paralympics. Other finalists included Chicago, Tokyo, and Madrid. Going into the final voting, Chicago and Rio de Janeiro were thought to be the favorites. Chicago was summarily knocked out of the running in the first round. As a native Chicagoan (born, raised, and living here at the present time), I think I can safely speak for the vast majority of us: we're glad we didn't get it. There have been plenty of celebrities, athletes, and Very Important People (ranging from Barack and Michelle Obama to Oprah to Michaels Phelps) who have supported the nomination, but the common opinion has largely been that of ambivalence. The main issue is that of financing. From whence will the money come to pay for the Olympic Village (and stadiums, etc)? In part from private investors--who may not have the f...

It seems like all you hear about on the news these days is health care. Is Obama's plan the right way to go about things? Should we stick with what we've got? Is Obama actually propagating the socialist agenda? (Answers: maybe, probably not, and the day Obama supports socialism is the day Republican politicians stop cheating on their wives.) Frankly, I don't think anyone is ever going to agree, and the Democrats and the GOP need to learn to compromise. But until that day comes - you know, when pigs fly and hell freezes over - I think we should all listen to Troubled Hubble's song "Ear, Nose & Throat." (Watch the video above.) Troubled Hubble was a band from Chicago who broke up only weeks after I discovered them in 2005. They released a number of albums in their six-year existence, with their best - and my personal favorite - "Making Beds in a Burning House" coming out in 2005. "Ear, Nose, Throat" is particularly of interest, especiall...

Cara J. Suppa number of fcbk statuses about michael jackson's death: 49302050202104394092. number of fcbk statuses about ted kennedy's death (so far): 1. Uh huh... It's so weird to me he dies so shortly after his sister Eunice Shriver. ah man. RIP, regardless. The Kennedys, a dwindling clan. behold. I hate to say this, but until I watched CNN for like an hour this morning, I knew nothing about the man, really. except. um. certain things I don't want to repeat at this hour. He was in Erie a while ago campaigning for Obama, I didn't go see him though. Speaking of, Obama gave a nice speech about him not too long ago.