The Useless Critic 2.0

This is a special guest post by the guinea pig known as "The Smores." Please enjoy. Wheek wheek wheek, wheek wheek. Wheek! Wheek wheek "Golden Globes" wheek wheek?! WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK! "Moonlight" wheek wheek, wheek wheek. Hiss *rumblestruts* Wheek, wheek. Wheek wheek? Wheek wheek Ryan Gosling wheek Emma Stone wheek hoomans wheek. Wheek wheek wheek wheek. Wheek. Wheek wheek, wheek. WHEEEEEK! WHEEK WHEEK WHEEK! Wheek *tears* Rating: A+ (or some kale)

What you missed Nightcrawler .  Some people have compared this film to Taxi Driver, and when watching it you'll see why.  Jake Gyllenhaal is both compelling in terrifying in this unique and eerie thriller.  I thought this was wonderful and I'm sad to see that Gyllenhaal is not in the Oscar race. What you didn't miss Gone Girl .  I got excited because I love 'The Social Network', another Fincher film.  However, I just flat out did not like anything about it.  The standout performance was Carrie Coon as Margo.  I didn't like either of the main characters and found the story ridiculous and disgusting. The Giver .  The world portrayed is bleak, emotionless and soulless.  Granted, this is intentional, but the whole thing to me played out like mannequins going through the motions.  I didn't care about the characters or the stakes. What I missed Boyhood .  Shot over the course of 12 years to capture a boy growing...

Yes. Like "Rocket Man," it's been a long, long time. but the Movie Man's post from earlier this week inspired me... Ryan Gosling. I'M SORRY WHERE DID THIS URGE COME FROM AGAIN, SOUTH AMERICA? It started after I watched Crazy Stupid Love . Admittedly, Lars and the Real Girl  is one of my favorite films. and I've never seen The Notebook. (well, select parts!) he's just so full of some James Dean/Marlon Brando masculinity that's lost in today's world. I suppose it's the part of me that secretly aches to shop at Nordstrom that is attracted to him. God help me. BUT HIS VOICE. HIS VOICE. OH MY GOD. seriously, I think straight men would drop their pants for that shit. yes, he dated Rachel McAdams for a very long time. BUT ARE YOU AWARE HIM AND SANDRA BULLOCK WERE A COUPLE? GET IT GIRL. I don't know who he dates these days. my hopes: - Christina Ricci (o hay Pan Am ) - Emma Stone question:  ...

before I tackle a 'The Help' review, I give you this: ...both of which I totally stole off of EW.com. Can Emma Stone and I have a slumber party and braid each other's hair and make prank calls?

This is the result of a week worth of emailing back and forth between: - me - Cara - Kurt ALL OF SAW THE MOVIE OPENING DAY. I did this because I am partially in love with Mila, and how could I not? Also:  Cara had sex with Justin Timberlake at a concert in 2002. And Kurt is just a slut! me:   "Friends With Benefits" was a great film, because not only does Mila Kunis get me wet, Jenna Elfman has one percentile of her acting talent still in tact. Did the Church of Science Fiction not manage to suck it all out? Who knows. Cara:   HAHAHA REMEMBER WHEN JENNA ELFMAN SHOWED UP AS A STRIPPER IN CAN'T HARDLY WAIT? me:   OH MY GOD REALLY WHY Kurt:   Are we really gonna talk about Jenna fucking Elfman? I, for one, will not. Instead, I pose a quandary: Justin Timberlake sneeze/orgasm. Is this an actual thing? Is it adorable, or would it get super annoying? What if he's drinking something--OR what if he's going down on someone and sneegasms?! me: ...