The Useless Critic 2.0

Sup party people. I realize I've really, really, really neglected my precious baby website as I've aged - and not intentionally. Life happened. Life is weird, and I can only handle so many things at once (as most people are equipped to do.)  ANYWAYZ I'm going to change that. Or, I'm going to say I'm going to change it but secretly do nothing. Choose your own adventure. Let's start by talking pop music. Did you know The Weeknd is Taylor Swift with better hair? NO, REALLY, I promise. And if you haven't cried at least *once* while having sex to "1989," then who are you? Don't answer that actually. Hi Mom. The Weeknd dropped his EP "My Dear Melancholy" last week, and I was fortunate enough to first hear it with my Lyft driver. I was going to ask my Lyft driver more about the album and what he thought of it, but then my Lyft driver was like, "Can you look up the times for the new "God Isn't Dead" movie?"...

Yesterday, I came across an article lamenting the lack of a true summer anthem for 2015 . Truth be told, I live in a radio-free bubble where I have the luxury to totally ignore top 40. Unless something unusually good climbs across my radar, I gleefully ignore whatever is exceedingly popular at the moment. Sometimes I have the misfortune of hearing the obnoxious opium of the masses while I'm on an Uber or when I'm out, but 9 out of 10 times I can live my life in my Internet radio-dominated bliss.  I was sort of taken aback, because the writer's totally correct: We haven't had a "Blurred Lines" or "Fancy" this year. I mean, of course Lana has the goods, but you won't hear them on the radio (unless it's that sped-up "Summertime Sadness" remix....bleh).  At first, I thought maybe the summer song was "Bad Blood?" I mean, all that hype about that video: I didn't even know that video had a plot until I read reviews ...

Apparently a motorcycle can cure a boy's broken heart, and we have proof. Justin Bieber has been spotted flying around on a Ducati Superbike 848 Evo. Yeah, a motorcycle that starts at $15,000. Rumor has it that it has "SWAG 24/7" printed on the side. Isn't he Canadian? To be perfectly honest, I hope the whole Selena/Justin thing was a contractual obligation. Those two made my head hurt. I wish him safe travels, but this has to be one of the dumbest things I've seen lately.  Can we send him back to Canada yet?

Selena Gomez has been in the rough as they say, and Yahoo News was on a feverish fire as they announced multiple times that she had been hospitalized for illness. Instead of a card that reads, “Get Well Soon,” I want to send something more positive for Selena; here is a list of ways that she is similar to Academy Award Winner Marion Cotillard. 1. They both act. 2. They both have faces. 3. They both sing. 4. They both have been frisked by airport security. 5. They both have earned major awards for acting.* 6. They both have eaten nuts. 7. They both have done studio recording. 8. They both have sold albums and DVDs. 9. They both have lost plasma and not the kind from stars. 10. They both have touched purple dinosaurs.** 11. They both understand the importance of depth. 12. They both understand that milk is not always white.*** 13. They both have appeared on cable television. 14. They both have eaten food. 15. They both have tasted lipstick. 16. They both ...

EWWWWW

So it is official, I saw this on Aljazeera there is now a ban on Iranian Pistachios. The USA is now longer going to import any pistachios from Iran. I am sad, well not really I just thought it was a lame response. Iran: building nuclear bombs. USA: okay, we will no longer buy your nuts. PS I just saw an Algerian girl that looked like Selena Gomez. Good day. QATFYG: Would you eat nuts with Selena Gomez?

Today Barack Obama nominated Elena Kagan, former Harvard Law Professor/Law School Dean, to the Supreme Court. If she is approved she would be the youngest Supreme Court Justice, and this would also be the first time that there are 3 women on the bench. By this increase, soon it will be all women and no men ruling America's Judicial System. Meh? (I know I sound like I'm joking, but it wouldn't be so bad if that were true) In other news, the subject/inspiration of my two most recent unpublished novels, Mandy Jiroux, says.... I want to be in Texas right NOW.. 3 more days! Mandy is Miley Cyrus's BFF, and Dancer+Singer for the Beach Girl5. But "Why would anyone want to go to Texas?" Pros: Birthplace of Demi The BBQ Home state of Destiny's Child Dallas Mavericks San Antonio Spurs Eva Longoria when she's not being Francophied by Tony Parker Birthplace of Selena (G) The Alamo Tejano Music Norteno Music Almost Authentic Mexican Food Cons: Texans and their Hats!...

Asalaam and good afternoon. With the dawn of 010 (pronounced oh-ten) approaching, a whole new list of resolutions is being created, one of them is to create a new recognized musical Sub-Genre. And here it is.......... Plastic Rose Rock This is a sub genre that incorporates music that is meant to be glam, but is created with no heart and soul. Like a plastic rose, it is flashy and attractive on the outside, but inside it's dead....and was never alive to begin with. The creation of this genre comes from a lyrical line in the first single from "Selena Gomez and the Scene's" Debut song....The roses that you gave me were made of plastic. I know, I complain about Selena Gomez wayyyyyyyyyyy too much. And you might be tired of hearing about her, but this is important. Her album out now "Kiss and Tell" is the prime example of Plastic Rose Rock. It is trying to be sold on imagery and very fabricated songs. Like I said, flashy but no life in it. QATFYG: Who else would ...

Abracadabra, this week’s spotlight/ shoutout is a dual honor, and it goes to Emily Perkins and Katie Isabelle (her friends call her Katie, and I have declared myself a BFF.) Oh and in the pic Katie I is on the left and Emily P is on the right. You might recognize these two as the ugly stepsisters from “Another Cinderella Story.” BUT!!!! Before that they starred together in the “Ginger Snaps” trilogy. And the reason they earn this weeks’ S/S is because “Ginger Snaps” is awesome! No joke. It is a well-done low budget horror film, that isn’t sold on a bunch of dumb slutty girls dying and mindless, senseless gore. I am just glad to know that those still exist out there. It should be in select video stores or even possibly online. “Ginger Snaps” has action, adventure, mysticism, teen angst, comedy, drama, suspense, and possibly other qualities. Now GS 2 and GS: Ginger Snaps Back, are not so hot. But they were worth watching. Katie Isabelle also appeared in “Freddy vs. Jason,” which was okay...

Over the past 9 hours I have been listening to the song "Magic" originally recorded by vintage rockers Pilot over and over and over again. You know it. It's been used in plenty of movies and commercials. Ho, ho, ho It's magic, you know Never believe it's not so It's magic, you know Never believe, it's not so The reason for this soar in Magic popularity is because teeny-bopper, Selena Gomez from Wizards of Waverly Place has covered the song on her show's soundtrack. And it's been getting a lot of press. Here is the new version: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fJHaJNV4H3k QATFYG: I want to take a poll and see what you guys like more. The original by Pilot or the remake by Selena G? I'll start it off and vote for the.... ORIGINAL!! The remake is way too toned down. Not enough Umph!