The Useless Critic 2.0

I don't think I've done an "I'd Hit It" in quite some time, and so, in order to bring this back in grand fashion, I decided to do it for my great love, Marion Fucking Cotillard. I first fell in love with Marion Cotillard during her Oscars speech. It was 2006? 2007? And I remember how sincere and cute she was. Oh, goodness. I love cute foreign girls with accents. It is my weakness. And a French accent? You know she could read the phonebook and it would be sexy. Do not kid yourself. I always thought blonde girls were my type- but Marion Cotillard led me down some other rabbit hole. Oh, here: Anyway, Miss Marion will soon be appearing with Mila Kunis (not as a couple, although I so wish) in "Blood Ties." Directed by her "partner." Yeah, whatevs. Marion, you just haven't met me yet. There is nothing more attractive than a gorgeous fresh-faced woman. Also, she will be taking over for Natalie Portman in the newest Macbeth f...

Here's a blast from the past! Welcome back to the segment "I'd Hit It," discussing people I may or may not find attractive. Likely "may." I haven't done this since 2011, so hurr we go: Come on, Emma Watson is oozes class. And she's beautiful. And British. Why wouldn't you hit this? I liked her in the Harry Potter movies. In fact, I had something of a small crush on her. But I felt so weird because she was younger than me.  However, I am dating a younger woman now, so I guess that belief I had has since vanished.  But you tell me what you think after watching this: Also she poledances in that movie. AND she doesn't have Harry Styles on her phone. LIKE!!!!  Until next time bozos,  Britt "I'm a 15-Year-Old Boy" Kay

1.) He's a beautiful man. Have we SEEN Romeo+Juliet ? thank you. 2.) He is one degree away from Marion Cotillard, but then again:  so is Kate Winslet. FML.  3.) He's been in some AWESOME films. Inception, Gangs of New York, Catch Me If You Can.  And soon to be: THE GREAT GATSBY 4.) He's done some great things for the environment in terms of lobbying and starpower. Do not include The Beach  in this category. 5.) He dates models. All the fucking time. I want his life. I WANT YOU TO DRAW ME LIKE YOU DO YOUR FRENCH GIRLS

This is Kate Winslet, female lead of Titanic  and all-around badass. Let's examine why she deserves the all-important title of I'D HIT IT. Come on kids!  1.) She is hilarious in real life. Kate has even come out and said how much she loathes the Celine Dion "My Heart Will Go On" from the film soundtrack. And how she finds it pretty corny when she walks into a restaurant and someone plays the song. I would too, but the first time I heard that song I got all kinds of emotional. :/ meep. 2.) She's a hero . She saved someone's life this summer! For reals!!!! 3.) She has an Oscar . I know I know, so does Halle Berry.  4.) She always picks the BEST roles. She's like the American Meryl Streep!  5.) SHE'S JUST HOT. THE END. although I do have to say, with time she's gotten significantly better-looking to me. but maybe, I am just shallow. love you Kate! rock on with your bad self!  p.s. check out her photography book aimed at helping out ...

- That Jennifer Lawrence is in it and she is hot. Winter's Bone much? Like it wasn't obvious or something!  - That it's basically Twilight  meets the Minotaur. - That, unlike one Bella Swan, this protagonist actually has a backbone of sorts. - That apparently it smashed box office records in several thousand different ways this past weekend. - That LizRo has never read da books either and that will make this experiencing 50000 times better. - At least American adolescents are reading? Right? RESPECTTTTTTTT - WHAT I SEE ON TUMBLR IS TOO MUCH - I wish the Republican presidential candidates had to go through a process akin to the Hunger Games . we will see what happens.

Charlize Theron. Yes. She Can Do No Wrong. I Would Climb Her Like A Tree.

AND THE PSAS I'M MAYER HAWTHORNE Mayer Hawthorne - How Do You Do PSA #2 from MayerHawthorne on Vimeo . JUST KIDDING I JUST WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH HIM THAT IS ALL YOU ARE WELCOME HE IS PLAYING WITH CHROMEO AT TERMINAL FIVE NEXT MONTH AND I AM NOT GOING BECAUSE I AM POOR BUT HIS NEW ALBUM COMES SOON LOL LIKE ME KURT APPRECIATE

Yes. Like "Rocket Man," it's been a long, long time. but the Movie Man's post from earlier this week inspired me... Ryan Gosling. I'M SORRY WHERE DID THIS URGE COME FROM AGAIN, SOUTH AMERICA? It started after I watched Crazy Stupid Love . Admittedly, Lars and the Real Girl  is one of my favorite films. and I've never seen The Notebook. (well, select parts!) he's just so full of some James Dean/Marlon Brando masculinity that's lost in today's world. I suppose it's the part of me that secretly aches to shop at Nordstrom that is attracted to him. God help me. BUT HIS VOICE. HIS VOICE. OH MY GOD. seriously, I think straight men would drop their pants for that shit. yes, he dated Rachel McAdams for a very long time. BUT ARE YOU AWARE HIM AND SANDRA BULLOCK WERE A COUPLE? GET IT GIRL. I don't know who he dates these days. my hopes: - Christina Ricci (o hay Pan Am ) - Emma Stone question:  ...

truth be, I rather have her just play me (the younger me) in the movie that will obviously made about my life. You may know her as the stoic April on the best sitcom currently on TV Parks and Recreation  or you may know her as who-dat-bitch from Scott Pilgrim . Nevertheless, you know her! I think! for me, it's her voice. she'd make a fantastic Daria, if they ever turn that into a film. AND THEY SHOULD. also, Parks and Recreation  is just phenomenal. seriously, 30 Rock has been great lately, but for me Parks and Rec  has kind of trumped it. something about Ron Swanson's uber-John Wayne-like persona and Amy Poehler's loveable, somewhat irksome, but mostly good-intentioned Leslie Knope, Rashida Jones' DAMNNNNN Anne Perkins and Rob Lowe's very Rob Lowe character has made me fallen madly in love with this show. WATCH LAST WEEK'S EPISODE http://www.nbc.com/parks-and-recreation/ BIRTHDAYS ARE A SCAM

first of all, I cannot WAIT to see this film. oh my god. if I was a teacher, you know this would be me. I don't think you understand how much. also, in high school I was convinced I was going to get new boobs at some point, but I never did. anyway. REASONS FOR WANTING TO SEE THIS FILM: - Cameron Diaz is such a badass - PHYLLIS FROM THE OFFICE   ("and you need two of them") - Justin Timberlake plays the guy she likes! ha! that's cool the two of them remain on good terms all these years later. it's very Tony and Gwen, no? also, Cameron Diaz is pushing 40 here. but hell: let's face it, none of us will ever look that good. I mean I know she's probably had some work done but I WOULD HIT IT. hit it so hard your mother would feel it. yes:  your mother. that's also my subtle way to remind you Mother's Day is fast approaching. who among us watched the Office  where Michael Scott departed? I did- it's been growing on me again lately, does...

this handsome young man is the French producer with the Valerie label (no Ed Banger this time, unfortunately, although if I had to list my favorite record labels like it was 1993 and I'm wearing a cardigan and things like this matter I would gladly say ED BANGER) known as Anoraak . And if you are a fan of Junior Boys or any kind of smooth electronic music (really) you will easily become a fan of Anoraak . but my god, his voice. his voice. his VOICE. girls go off about having girl crushes all the time, right? so this is my big man-crush of the moment. I can't help it. that voice is like honey and does things to me. see: fap fap fap . He's doing a DJ set in Miami on Feb. 25 th . Not that you or I will go, but just saying.

Because of this legendary decision which has made the nation's highest court mostly vagina....CONGRATS HOTTIE ELENA KAGAN. we salute you, you beautiful scholar of the law. and also: All of the justices attended Harvard, Yale or Princeton. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, D-Nev., praised Kagan's contribution to the gender diversity of the male-dominated court, but added: "It will be even more diverse when we confirm more justices who didn't go to Ivy League schools." :)