The Useless Critic 2.0

DateMe Mate Me dot com. Wow, something that is straight and to the point. It’s where you can casually introduce yourself to others….whore yourself…then get pregnant. Not joking, that’s the name of the website. Sounds like the best dating website in the world, yes? Wrong. This is by far the lousiest dating website I have ever seen. It even trumps InterracialMatch.com for the title of “The Worst Dating Website on the Web.” The only colored folk you’ll find on Interracial Match are blue balls, and the only Dates and Mates you’ll find on DateMeMateMe is your left or right hand. The layout of this website is plain, boring, and not appealing at all to the human eye. I have to admit it is a free dating service. - Find singles with FREE ZIP code locator Why the hell does that have to sound so disturbing? It sounds like instead of dates, you’re going to get assault me and batter me, and that is not a joke. I found this website while I was looking for Arab singles. Oh, shut up! You do it too, an...

Online dating is a new way of life. I was recently talking to Ryan Scott Bennett, and he asked “Why don’t you just date people in real life?” or something to that effect. BECAUSE PEOPLE IN REAL LIFE GIVE A SH*T These are the wonders of online dating. It is perfect for meatheads like me that are total lowlifes and spend hours image-searching Melissa Lee in their spare time. I tried dating sites, and I had some success….but not an extraordinary amount, so at this point I turned to dating women in Africa via Facebook and Interpals, mostly from Uganda. Is this weird? Yes. Is this smart? Hell no. However, African women are as promiscuous as Paris Hilton except they can’t afford drugs. This spring I saw the film “Norbit” for the first time, and it scared the crap out of me. I say this because I used to talk to a woman from Cameroon that resembled that mammoth, and she actually tried to use me as her “bitch.” She tried to use me for money, for services, for a visa to the USA, and even to help...

I decided, because Al and I thought it would be interesting to do all Mila Kunis-things last week, to write about Erie and local things this week. I mean there are some things of interest. strong emphasis on "some." I guess the zoo opened yesterday to 5000 people. I have not been to the zoo since I worked there. I am not sure it's much different. MARJORIE, the mistress of my heart, is being sentenced today for her role in the pizza bombing fiasco. of course she is going to get off easy because she is pretty . also, let's all take dating advice from Charlie Sheen. SERIOUSLY or just general life advice. really.

For all those of our readers who are Muslim and thinking about a girlfriend or boyfriend for your valentine........ I am now living in the Arab country of Algeria, and life in the Muslim world means one thing. Privacy is hard to come by sometimes. The other day I had journeyed into a small clearing in the local landfill to practice my French rapping skills, and a man suddenly popped out of a tiny crevasse. He introduced himself to me and asked my nation of origin. Once he learned I was American he journeyed back into his little dirt hole and returned with his girlfriend whom he was having a picnic with at the time. (And no, that is not a metaphor for something else. It was a real picnic.) I had discovered an Algerian make out hole. The two people then invited me to join them on their picnic and they even gave me a chicken sandwich and a Gucci keychain as a souvenir. Since then, I have noticed pairs of two heading down this little path toward the clearing in the dump for some TLC and PG...

So this is a time of the year where we say goodbye. Goodbye 2010. And I am reminded that I am in the midst of amazing tradition. During each winter and spring season, I get to devote my life to Michael and Michael. The first Michael is Michael C. Hall. And he’s now single – All you Foxy Ladies control yourselves— But I have a tradition during the spring months, where I let my obsession with “Dexter” go wild. Congrats once again to Michael C. Hall on winning the globe for his stellar performance as the enigmatic serial killer that is “Dexter Morgan.” The second Michael is Michael Buckley who is a star web celeb and is the host of the “What the Buck Show.” He is hilarious, and he is climbing the ranks of the entertainment industry. Seriously, visit www.buckhollywood.com …good times good times. I started living like this in the winter/spring of 2009, where I would just sit at home and watch Dexter on DVD and What the Buck Show on the internet. Good times, good times.....no seriously, they...

Matt has exceptionally good taste in music, so I should listen to him more, no? I just am lazy and unless I hear a band and they get me on that first listen- I'm screwed. if not, well, whatev. OMG LET'S PLAY UFFIE NONSTOP AND DECIPHER HER LYRICS. "damn good cheese." THERE HAS TO BE SOMETHING HIDDEN IN THERE, SOME SUBTEXT. so he's been on my case nonstop to listen to Lush. and I've listened to Lush in passing, but inactively. I haven't allowed myself to get into it. is it the same fear that keeps me subdued on dating websites? giving myself away to random strangers/bands and then realizing they have my heart, don't care and will never give it back? that is it. UFFIE, WHAT THE HELL. IT'S JUST THE EMOTIONS, TAKING ME OVER.... all right, I listened to Lush. Matt was nice enough to pass me enough their body of work. yay! so I want to write this like a snob at a winetasting. and I hate wine. here we go: at my first sip of Lush, I am reminded of shoegazin...