The Useless Critic 2.0

The other day, I happened to encounter a rather direct form of product placement advertising. I love adverts that don't mess around with the cheap foreplay and cut right to the consumerized fucking. So I had to make a list of all the people I consider *sexy* that are going to get D&G this year. 1. Tyler Perry (Just Kidding) 2. Maria Sharapova 3. Casey Anthony's Identical Cousin 4. The Chinese Olympic Beach Volleyball Team 5. The Server from the Indian Restaurant 6. Anna Kournikova 7. Miley's Sister Brandy (also spelled Brandi<3 ) 8. Aishwarya Rai 9. Anyone who is not Joy Behar 10. Gwyneth 11. Vivica A. Fox if she's still alive 12. The German Girl I Harass via Twitter 13. NO ONE from the NCAA! Holy Shit! KEEP YOUR HANDS TO YOURSELF! 14. Pippa 15. Sean Hannity's Wife Damn. QATFYG: Who tops your sexy list? And can you tell the difference between D&G and Dolce and Gabbana?

Did you notice the Useless Critic is all decked out for the holidays? Did it make you barf a little? I hope so. I hope it went down like eggnog. I have never made a single photo we used in this page. FACT. the weather lately has been most condusive to CHRISTMAS (holiday) DECORATING. well it was until like two hours ago when this wet snow shit started. wow, God. how hard is it to make real snow and not like, half-frozen pee snow? I have to walk in this crap. THANKS GOD, THANKS A LOT. whose homoerotic fantasy is this picture from? certainly not mine. that being said, we decorated our house in red lights, which means at some point I will wander outside, half-asleep, and think I'm in Carrie . Then the ghost of Karen Carpenter will come to me, singing something about heading to Pennsylvania for some homemade pumpkin pie and lots of weeping will ensue. man, on some of these Carpenters songs, do you ever get the urge to just like interject into the music and be l

I doubt most people will truly ever know the songs, if any, we associate with them.

Not really sure what this song is about. If there's a point at all? At first I thought it was simply just an expression of missing someone who is far away and be willing to take a "big jet plane" to see them...but after intently listening to the lyrics, I feel like it could be something else. Nevertheless, that's what it means to me. It's also good to listen to before travelling by air.

It’s that time of year again when MacDonald’s McCafe is putting out their holiday Peppermint Mocha. As March gets the Shamrock Shake, the cold month of December (and presently end of November) get the hot holiday promotion. The MacDonalds near by has a special for Peppermint Mocha *Any Size $2.00 and yes, I got the Large.* Starbucks can suck that! So how is it? At first impression, there is not much of a peppermint aroma. I’m more accustomed to taking the first sip of any latte and getting just a touch of flavoring in the scent, but this one had almost none at all. The first sip was fine, and it definitely tastes sweet, which is excellent for a holiday mocha. Mine was topped with whipped cream and chocolate syrup as well. Overall, there is just not enough of the peppermint flavor. It’s very faint, and it is a tease more than anything. Now allow me to include the corniest euphemism possible; there was no holiday cheer! The whipped cream and chocolate syrup were almost an essential for t

I started watching Enlightened purely because of the people involved. Laura Dern is one of my favorite actresses, and I’ve had a crush on the adorkable Mike White ever since his disturbing comedy Chuck and Buck . And—full disclosure—I totally watched him on that one season of the Amazing Race . Such is my devotion. After a few episodes, I found myself enjoying it, to the point where it is now one of my favorite shows of the year. It was also after this realization I found out I was one of the few that did. My friends over at Entertainment Weekly (I can call them my friends because I read their magazine religiously, right?) offered a plea for people to watch it . It was voted as the most hated new show of the season. And for the life of me I couldn’t understand why. Enlightened is one of the most honest portrayals of a life in flux I’ve seen in a long time. It has an emotional rawness that I connect with. So why don’t people want to watch it? After some deep thought—no

I've pegged this week (in my mind at least) as the week of a thousand (or at least three) interviews. The first up is a girl I met not too long ago through a mutual friend, Katie Uva . Katie Uva is an up-and-coming singer-songwriter with a lot more on her plate than just music alone. She has some fast approaching shows in New York and was able to do a question and answer session with me (via Facebook messaging, hey, the wonders of technology) yesterday. How did you get started in music? Where do you take your influence from? Katie:   I took several kinds of music lessons as a kid. I played piano from the age of 7-17, although I never got very good at it. I also took bass in middle school. I think I started the way most people do. I listened to music a lot and I liked to sing along, and eventually I wanted to imitate what I was hearing. When I was younger, I listened to the Beatles pretty much nonstop. In high school, I discovered the Indigo Girls. They became my favorite

Medieval Times. do you see this man in the photo? notice how he is not SJP. truth, this weekend, Sarah Jessica Parker got out of bed, looked into her foggy mirror and announced, rather triumphantly, that she would not BE anywhere NEAR a Medieval Times this past weekend.  a real or imagined conversation that happened on Saturday between Sarah Jessica Parker and longtime hubby, Matthew Broderick: SJP:  I know you might want to, but I'm just not going to go to Medieval Times. I mean, god, there's only like, six locations anyway .  MATT:  But! But! You promised! SJP:  It just ain't happening. Now if you excuse me, I have to support my local small businesses on SMALL BUSINESS SATURDAY. But later that evening:  did she go to KFC? we think yes. it would explain that unnatural glow! aw, SJP. how could anyone call you ugly? you make my heart feel like a candy bar stuck in a car on a hot summer's day. I bet right now you will find this when you are trying to buy hats of

This song is a bit of a departure for me. The reason I chose it? Because of the history I have wrapped up with it! Growing up, when this song hit the scene, my best friend and I began our own mini-obsession with Cher. Why? We were a ten year old girl and boy in the late 90s. UM, BECAUSE WE FOUND IT HILARIOUS? I DON'T NEED YOU ANYMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooo I DON'T NEED YOU anymoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo I even successfully convinced people she was my religion of choice for a while.

I have met a few people in my life that meet these qualifications. sincerely grateful for all of them. sorry I've been slacking. allergies have been kicking my ass, ever since I came back.

Did you support your local small businesses today? I did. Sort of.  also, SPEAKING OF, check out our store! look in the tabs above!

It's that time of year again. I mean, what is today, Yellow Thursday? It's the time for Elf  to be on TV constantly, Wal-Mart to have really annoying commercials and me to stress out about buying my family members things they'll actually use.  Every year, I tend to stick like gum to one holiday album. Last year, it was Pink Martini. The year before that, it was the Antlers BECAUSE I WAS MISERABLE and nothing says miserable like an album about losing your girlfriend to cancer.  This year though, I went out and got the She & Him album. Why? Because Zooey could work for the gestapo and I'd take it?  /shame I didn't have any real high standards for this album (much like the New Girl, which I ended up loving). I mean, a Christmas album is a Christmas album and the only thing I can hold it up to be better than is either the Tori travesty or the NBC 2002 holiday mess, or 2001, whatever it was it sucked balls.  She & Him, however, show those kids how

START POSTING MY FAVORITE HOLIDAY SONGS  ASAPASAPASAPAPAPAPAP I will do it if you're not careful! P.S. INTERVIEW UP LATER

- what's up with the parade being shit now? WHEN did floats come second to Glee ? NO! NO! - where did half of those people come from, anyway? - why is Revenge  still on TV? - why is "Moves Like Jagger" so popular? oh Adam Levine how I despise you. - why are turkeys so expensive now? WTF - what's with everyone going apeshit over Black Friday more than usual? does anyone actually go out tomorrow? I SURE DON'T. Cyber Monday FTW. - what I am thankful for in 2011:  for all of you <3 and that I am not Christina Aguilera. :/ p.s. and OH LAND

Hey Girl, Guess what? It was just Miley's Birthday (Nov. 23rd), and I got to join up with all the little girls of Alaska and introduce them to acid, and we had a giant pizza party. Miley Cyrus now turns 19, and is in her last year of teenage bliss. Whatever will she do afterwards? Maybe, she'll record a song such as "Not a girl, not yet a woman" like Britney Spears. It's really interesting how this holiday takes me all over the globe. Two years ago, I was in Canada where we celebrated with some of Miley's favorite "Chinese Food" and "Cake Batter from Coldstone Creamery." Last year, I had chance to celebrate Miley's birthday in North Africa where we slaughtered a lamb for her. It happened to coincide with another holiday, so it was the best we could do. This year, I am in Alaska for Miley's Birthday, and yes, you can buy Alaskan Pizzas with Reindeer Sausage, and as zooilogically sexy as that sounds, I know Miley would be offended be

it bears saying within the first five minutes of Breaking Dawn , Jacob aka WEREWOLF strips off his shirt, revealing a ripped chest, and runs into the woods. And I was like OMGZ TAYLOR U R SO HOTTTT. and I texted Cyndi, from physics, to be like "hes so hawt and ur such a twat 4 being team Edward." Little did I know, she was giving the captain of the soccer team, Jeremy or Joshua or Jeremiah, head. GIRL U GOT NO CLASS So like if I got married to Jacob, would he have to imprint on me? y/n anyway, moving on. Edward and Bella are finally gonna get married. and the marriage is actually gorgeous. like, the whole film is surprisingly well-shot. I remember Twilight circa 2008 and being like THIS IS GROSSSSSS I NEVER WANT TO GO TO SPOONS WASHINGTON. omg Cyndi has relatives in Oregon. BITCH so like there's wedding jitters and crap and randomly Edward's like "I USED TO EAT MURDERERS WHEN I WAS REBELLING IN THE 1920S." I don't know how that fits into the

It was surprising that Lykke managed to pull together such a beautiful song for such a crap film. So tell me when you hear my heart stop,  You’re the only who knows  Tell me when you hear my silence There’s a possibility  I wouldn’t know  I just saw Breaking Dawn , which is why I chose this song. And also it's simply one of my favorites by her, because it's very heartfelt, very bleak and very honest. Anyway though, can I tell you how SURPRISINGLY DECENT that film is? like ohmygod IT TAKES THAT SERIES FOREVER to get anywhere but they finally got somewhere! also I didn't see Eclipse , is that wrong? whatever I stopped following Harry Potter ages ago too.  the last Twilight film I saw was New Moon , which this song was showcased in it. And if I remember correctly, there's this great scene where Kristin Stewart has a major breakdown to this song. which is kind of where I am right now, so it speaks to me. she just sits in front of a window, sobs, listens to this s

I am not really a fan of the gentleman, but during an interview with him, and during, no less, a question regarding his being in last place according to the latest polling data, CNN displayed this graphic: Are they adding insult to injury, or just furthering the theme of the media trivializing those they consider to be fringe candidates? Je renonce, you decide. In regard to tonight's debate, another foreign yawn policy one, this time labeled "national security," Mr. Hunstman ( sic ) was actually one of few who brought rare points of clarity. Key points: 1) Romney wants to rely on generals on the ground to set Afghanistan policy; wasn't that the U.S.'s folly in Vietnam? 2) The real threat is our economic crisis. That being said, Ron Paul 2012.

Life’s Too Short Episode 2 Review The second episode of Life’s Too Short, with Johnny Depp, somehow manages to be funnier, more awkward and vulgar than the first episode with Liam Neeson. It’s a testament to Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant’s amazing writing and their ability to make anything funny. Even full blown AIDS. This time, Warwick Davis finds himself at a science fiction convention debating with a mother about tumours, having an unconventional interview and acting as a muse for Johnny Depp! Though he does make a guest appearance at a wedding at the end of the episode, I want to concentrate on Davis’ interactions with Gervais and Merchant and the star and also the convention. At the sci-fi convention, Davis has an area where he is selling mugs, mouse mats etc. with his face on them. By far the biggest seller (though that isn’t saying much) is signed photos of himself for £25. The problem here starts when a mother and her son get to the front of the queue. She tells Davis