The Useless Critic 2.0

6.) The Kardashians will decide to embrace an Amish lifestyle. 5.)Miley Cyrus will announce her celibacy I actually may regret saying that. 4.) I will successfully complete a push-up. 3.) The Internet will collectively get bored of Jennifer Lawrence. (I have no clue, J.Law.) 2.) Vladimir Putin will resign from politics to become an organic beet farmer in Siberia. (he's going to live forever, I think.) 1.) Beyonce will write a guest post for the Useless Critic. It will be about the work of Jonathan Franzen. I haven't been posting a lot because honestly, I've been depressed and distracted. Sry.

I know we all have our favorites and the ones we dread winning anything (for me it's "Lincoln." I grimace- I bet it's great, but to me it reads way too safe). I know we all think Sally Field is going to pull an Angelina Jolie and show us her leg. I know  Tommy Lee Jones might be scowling the whole time. Or not. I will pass on making predictions on winners or questionable clothing choices. Instead, I aim to celebrate the real star of all the movies 2012 brought the masses- JESSICA CHASTAIN'S SUNGLASSES IN "ZERO DARK THIRTY" All the caps in the world are deserved here. She rocks these aviators like the CIA badass she is supposed to be. Or is it not the CIA? Whatever I don't care. I have yet to see this film. I just know she has become my fashion icon and if I could pull off being a firecrotch (si) I'd dye my hair. Moar photos needed! AND That photo is from Just Jared obviously, a real website. But I mean, look how...

Song of the Day We all know this is winning the "Best Song" Oscar tonight. Norah Jones doesn't stand a chance.  I don't even like Adele really, but there is this. 

If you are one of those people (such as myself) who miss the days of traditional Disney animation, you must check out "Paperman!" I'm sure you've all heard (somewhat) about the Oscar-nominated romantic short that was the prelude to "Wreck-It Ralph," but now it's available to stream online. Check it out- you will not regret these six minutes, I promise:

This is Kate Winslet, female lead of Titanic  and all-around badass. Let's examine why she deserves the all-important title of I'D HIT IT. Come on kids!  1.) She is hilarious in real life. Kate has even come out and said how much she loathes the Celine Dion "My Heart Will Go On" from the film soundtrack. And how she finds it pretty corny when she walks into a restaurant and someone plays the song. I would too, but the first time I heard that song I got all kinds of emotional. :/ meep. 2.) She's a hero . She saved someone's life this summer! For reals!!!! 3.) She has an Oscar . I know I know, so does Halle Berry.  4.) She always picks the BEST roles. She's like the American Meryl Streep!  5.) SHE'S JUST HOT. THE END. although I do have to say, with time she's gotten significantly better-looking to me. but maybe, I am just shallow. love you Kate! rock on with your bad self!  p.s. check out her photography book aimed at helping out ...

a.) this deals with nothing else...I am just glad that Cougartown is back on the air. I missed this goofy, bizarre, somewhat trashy TV show. Courtney Cox:  you are doing what Demi Moore never could! b.) You must watch this video: Rachel Bloom:  I love you. ( the star  another video which is "I Was a Mermaid But Now I'm a Pop Star.") c.) back before Newsweek  started to deep throat deer testicles, they had this awesome feature every year around Oscar time where all the stars would sit around (nominated for awards, that is) and shoot the breeze about films and whatnot. I WAS THINKING THAT WE (Useless Critic folk, namely me and Al and possibly Kurt) could do a similar feature. or anyone else that is interested. instead of stars those, it's us. HAHAHA I FOOLED YOU, DIDN'T I? it would probably have to be emails bouncing back and forth, though, because I'ma taking care of important things Thursday - Sunday before I leave for Mountain Time. 

WITH RYAN, AND SOMETIMES JEFFREY: Ryan Trump I AM HERE HOW ARE WE DOING THIS about an hour ago · Unlike · 1 person Brittany Kemp HOWEVER! INCEPTION! about an hour ago · Like Ryan Trump HOW THE FUCK DID HANS ZIMMER LOSE? THE SOCIAL NETWORK'S SCORE SOUNDS LIKE A SAXON SHORE KNOCKOFF. about an hour ago · Unlike · 1 person Ryan Trump CATE BLANCHETT IS MY FAVORITE LIVING ACTRESS! about an hour ago · Unlike · 1 person Brittany Kemp SERIOUSLY, HOW WAS BLACK SWAN NOT NOMINATED FOR SCORE AND CATE IS A GODDESS about an hour ago · Like Ryan Trump EVERYBODY DICK-RIDES THE SOCIAL NETWORK. I DON'T GET IT. about an hour ago · Like Ryan Trump JAMES FRANCO WAS IN DRAG (♫ JUST BE A QUEEN ♫)! about an hour ago · Like Ryan Trump RANDY NEWMAN MAKES ME WANNA KICK A CARP AND PUNCH A SEAL. JUST SAYIN'. I FUCKING HATE HIS ♫HERPY-DERP-SHERP♫ SINGING VOICE! about an hour ago · Unlike · 2 people Brittany Kemp good lyrics, BAD BAD VOICE JAMES IS AWESOME although I admit I K...