The Useless Critic 2.0

Pretty sure that I can't recall half of this trip because my body doesn't know what to make of European alcohol. it's like oh, THIS IS NOT MILLER LITE? let's black out. then I wake up with some Belgian girl's bra and panties set. which isn't as spectacular or scandalous as it would sound:  I simply grabbed them in a drunken stupor. I gained a reputation at that ACCO hostel.... so let me put myself in the mindset of a year ago as Hurricane Irene embraces my adopted city. Step 1:  get to Baltimore, because Al wanted to fly out of Baltimore In Al's defense, the Baltimore airport is one of the best major airports in America to fly out from. it's very affordable. My sister flies from there all the time. The thing about the Baltimore airport is that it is BORING and all the way in Baltimore. Thus, on September 9th, I began my voyage from Erie, PA to the home of both Beach House and The Wire.  So how to get there? Greyhound was expensive as all shit...

Sweden is that golden cross across the blue sky that you always see at IKEA. For me, Ikea was about the most Swedish I had ever experienced, other than those constant pokes sitcoms take at stereotypes such as “tall lanky blondes,” “opera singers with braids,” and of course “ Alexander Skarsgard .” It’s approaching nearly a full solar revolution since I got to experience the Sverige with my good friend, Brittany Kemp. For me, other than conducting an interview and embarrassing myself in front of the ambassador of Somaliland, this was an eye-opening experience of personal discovery. Lesson Learned: You should know a woman before you try and feel her! But believe it or not, one night while Brittany Kemp was off pretending to Belarusian for some reason, I asked a strange Thai woman. “Can I kiss you?” And for some reason nodded yes, so as soon as I tried to force feed her my face she freaked. It turned out that Spring Roll didn’t speak a word of English. However, that is a...