The Useless Critic 2.0

#2 on the Pop Culture Countdown of Moments That Were/Are of No Significance To You- Chris Brown and Rihanna: the Saga Never Ends and God, may it never! Why did our generation's Sean Penn and Madonna break up? Hmm, oh, didn't he hit her? *hits forehead* that must be why, duh! Gahhhhh. Rihanna, I think you are a beautiful and talented young woman, but what the hell ? And Chris Brown, really?!?! Don't you have like two good songs? Justin Bieber before you, always.  Biebs or a softball coach? you decide!  Well, ever since these lovebirds parted ways in 2009, it's been tabloid porn, really. Paparazzis jizz for this stuff. And me? I pray they either permanently part ways or disappear a la Jimmy Hoffa. Rihanna has been linked to a plethora of men, good ones and bad ones alike. I personally thought the Kemp guy was a good match (for obvious reasons HINT HINT). Ashton Kutcher and her were once linked, but unfortunately, Mr. Toolbag has hooked up with Mila ...

The last post pushed me over the edge. I tweeted Biebs to wish me Happy Birthday, and he refused? What gives you freeze it push pop cock face? It was my birthday gosh darnit. No Respect. QATFYG: What do you guys think about the sunglasses seen below?

Performances: Eminem, Dr. Dre, et al: The new Dr. Dre song ("I Need a Doctor") was good. Good hook. Who is Skylar whatsits Lady Gaga: Her voice sounded good. Not really diggin' this new song. This is no Paparazzi! It's more like a PSA than a song. Nas loved it. Really. ("I know I can! Be what I wanna be!") Why did she go straight Phantom of the Opera in the middle for no reason? Janelle Monáe: I love you, you're beautiful. Usher and Justin Bieber with Jaden Smith: Biebs sounded flat at first J Smith kind of sucks. Who cares, it was awesome. Willow was in the audience!! Unexpected: Miranda Lambert: Gritty, Endearing. Definitely the most legit country stuff being represented. Cee Lo w/ Muppets: Holy three-pronged crucifix. I wasn't into that song when I heard twentagers singing it in bars but Cee Lo killed it. Great voice, solid dude, magnificent plumage. Awards: Best New Artist: Justin Bieber, robbed. Esperanto Vegas is getting m...

- that Nicki Minaj looked like a tampon. - that Mick Jagger still has "it," whatever IT is. - Bob Dylan? WHAT HAPPENED? (awesome props to Mumford & Sons as well as Avett Brothers). - who is this Esperanza Spalding that beat both Biebs and the Floho for best new artist...well she seems cool. - BIEBS - perhaps it was a result of the alcohol, but I think I'd have sex with Biebs tonight. SO HELP ME GOD - "OMG"- Usher- I have been in love with this song for a while and just realized what it was. - Muse killed. Matt Bellamy's awkward shoutout to girlfriend Kate Hudson....eh. he's not getting any tonight. oh wait, it's Kate Hudson. ENSUE AWKWARD PREGNANCY SEX. - Lady Gaga was inspired by Whitney Houston. Whitney Houston, smoking a crack pipe somewhere, rejoices! - HAHAHA KINGS OF LEON AND MILEY PRESENTING TOGETHER I LOVE THIS WORLD I could wait and watch Arcade Fire, but nothing beats Cee Lo and Gwyneth for me. or the Nicole Kidman shots. man, I can...

One of my bottles of wine, the Edelweiss, was accidentally uncorked several days ago, because I am very, very clumsy— anyway, I don’t really like drinking alone, so, instead of having the bottle languish in my freezer for the next several weeks, I’m humoring myself by turning it into a “writing experiment” where I drink a half glass for every song on My World 2.0 while typing about what’s happening. So— Baby I thought it would be kind of unfair to start the album completely sober, so I drank a full glass before listening to this song. I don’t really like this wine very much, I probably should have accidentally opened the Armenian pomegranate, but— I’ll probably get to that one at some point. And there’s white table wine, too, but I don’t know what that is? Table wine? I’m drinking Edelweiss, with Justin Bieber mp3s. This song used to be kind of creepy because, especially considering Ludacris is the only other person in the song, Biebs sounds like he’s singing to him, so when he’s li...