The Useless Critic 2.0

I got Facebook back in 2006. There are few pictures on Facebook in 2006. What they had to give me were celebrity pictures my friends and I apprehended for giggles (teeheehee.) Oh, and one memorable librarian (which got my 18-year-old self in trouble, lolz.) My Facebook movie was cute. Most of the updates were from the past year ("Hey everyone, I'm not dead!" "YAY, YOU'RE NOT DEAD!") I couldn't help but be a LITTLE disappointed. So, summoning my inner Peter Jackson, here is what that movie should have been like: 2006: Break up with Scarlett Johansson Years later, in interview after stepping down as the Oxfam ambassador: "You know, sometimes I wonder about the poor decisions I've made. And I haven't made a lot because I'm nearly perfect, but like marrying Ryan Reynolds letting Britt get away was just a big mistake. I cry about it a lot." (like) 2007: Break stuff with Britney Spears Britney said: "Bri...

I was on the bus Thursday and wrote this for her, because the bus out here takes for-fucking-ever. Take note: What Meryl Streep Sees what Meryl Streep sees when she looks in the mirror to me, it must be like when I take a big dump and I watch it for a few hours and then I get bored because I'm like "that looks like the dude from Rushmore " what Meryl Streep sees when she gets another Oscar nod she goes to seafood restaurants nicer than Red Lobser which is all I can afford not even that I mean Long John Silver's those dough ball things what are they called? ........................ HUSH PUPPIES she orders cod does not eat fish until she can't see anymore she then would think to herself  "I'm Meryl Streep" thus, she must never be bored. yeah it kind of sucks, but what's she doing with Miss Piggy, in that picture?

Laura Linney is one reason not to lose faith in movies today. This woman is amazing; she's a godsend. You can blow smoke out of your ass about how great Meryl Streep is but this woman, LL, she has stuck with the game for long enough to finally be getting some well-deserved recognition. And she really has slaved- been in forgettable features like the Crucible and even pulling her weight on Frasier (which was such a good role for her, I might add. LAURA LINNEY AND KELSEY FOREVER). she started off in Lorenzo's Oil and has been going ever since, but just getting stronger with age, which usually is NOT how Hollywood operates. she was AWESOME in the Savages (SEE IT, I feel like the role she played is me in the future) and broke your heart (if you had one, Fever Ray!) in Love Actually (also me in the future, totally can see it, hot person from work and I are about to finally sleep together and I have to go do a family thing ugh it will happen). and she kicked so much ass as Abigal Ada...

I came across two spectacular fashion-related items today, and I must say that I am rather jealous. First, Anna Wintour (omgannawintour!) is hosting a dinner at her house - possibly as I write this - to benefit the Democratic National Committee. Regardless of politics, this has to be the best and most expensive party - er, elegant and fashionable gathering - happening tonight. It seems that it costs $30,000 to get inside Anna’s house. I am hoping that my invitation was tragically misplaced. Seriously, Anna, why the cold shoulder? @WWD Also, W is filming some documentary about its September issue. Hasn’t this been done before? Wasn’t it called, oh, I don’t know, “The September Issue”? And did it not feature Vogue and Anna Wintour? Yes, it did. I’m not sure how W is going to make a better documentary out of this than The September Issue . Almost no one cares that Stefano Tonchi is W ’s new editor-in-chief. The general opinion about the mere idea of this documentary seems to be le...

For starters Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin were great hosts. I really liked their chemistry and humor, but I wondered how they would get through without a musical number.....then there is Neil Patrick Harris to save the day. So like I said, Miley and Taylor were out of line....and I really did not like how when Miley was up on stage with Amanda Seyfried and she says "We're nervous, it's our first time up here." OH come on, like you've never presented an award before, and you've also been to the Oscars.....Not to mention Amanda S. presented the special last year with R Patz about Romance movies. More Recap, Monique won as predicted. Christoph Waltz won as predicted. Jeff Bridges won as predicted. Sandra Bullock won as predicted. All of which were Great and Followed with Great Speeches. I love how Sandra said in the Baps interview that if Meryl Streep won, she's gonna "kick her ass." Also Christoph Waltz was so good. He was unbelievably good in ...

(from earlier- now that my internet connection is baaack. thanks verizon). I don't think the reviews made this look so fantastic, which is disappointing to me. Nora Ephron isn't as bad as I'd like her to be- "You've Got Mail" was on TV again last night and OH SHIT I WATCHED IT FOR THE 200TH TIME. it's sad, really. I remember being younger- in fifth grade? and going through this odd, odd Meg Ryan movie phase. like, I just had to see her movies and understand romance. and I'd hate to say how deep of an impact that and "City of Angels" made on my psyche. regardless, I've never seen "When Harry Met Sally" (I'LL HAVE WHAT SHE'S HAVING) or "Sleepless In Seattle" (you're moving to Seattle? it rains nine months out of the year there!). okay tangent. I mean, Meryl Streep and Amy Adams, you think this movie has something going for it. plus Julia Child seemed like one hell of a fun lady. well maybe film critics are fu...

in the midst of a time of angsting: Veronica Sawyer: This may seem like a really stupid question... J.D.: There *are* no stupid questions. Veronica Sawyer: You inherit 5 million dollars the same day aliens land on the earth and say they're going to blow it up in 2 days. What do you do? J.D.: That's the stupidest question I've ever heard. SEQUEL SEQUEL SEQUEL http://jezebel.com/5275707/heathers-sequel-in-the-works-how-very MOAR QUOTES Veronica Sawyer: Dear Diary: Heather told me she teaches people "real life." She said, real life sucks losers dry. You want to fuck with the eagles, you have to learn to fly. I said, so, you teach people how to spread their wings and fly? She said, yes. I said, you're beautiful. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I pretty much agree with Jezebel's suggestions. Amanda Seyfried and Maggie G and Emily Blunt, any of those work. also saw the preview for "Julie and Julia" tonig...