The Useless Critic 2.0

Episode 3 You're No Good What's this? A timely True Blood recap? Scary, I know.

Episode 1 Who Are You, Really? Yes, yes, I know this is a week late. I've been traveling a lot with not much access to wifi. Hopefully I'll have yesterday's recap up very soon. I'll be apartment hunting in Chicago this week! But enough about me, I've made you all wait long enough... Stupid clusterfucky opening that screws up my normal recapping style —Picking up exactly where we left off last season, Sookie and Eric run away from a newly empowered—and naked—Bill. They escape the Authority compound, and even swing by in an SUV to pick up Nora, Pam, Tara, Jessica and Jason (who is none too happy being ordered around by vampires). The Authority compound explodes. Jessica urges them to go back for Bill, but he’s fine. Well, sort of. He walks out of the burning wreckage and flies away. They hear a convenient press conference on the radio (see Burell for more on that), and Jason pulls over once they get to a safe distance, so everyone can hash out...

Episode 12: Save Yourself Wow, I’d call that a season finale, alright. Lots of blood, a bit of sexing, and more than a few “what the fuck did I just watch” moments. Oh, and an out-of-nowhere cliffhanger. I don’t use this word much, but it left me flabbergasted. Let’s get to it, shall we?

Episode 11: Sunset So it’s that time, when True Blood ramps everything up. Or, at least that's what usually happens. The one question on my mind is how they’re going to fit all of the crazy shit they’ve packed into this season into one more episode. In this installment we’ve got more faerie shenanigans, and a bit of werewolf action, but this episode was all about the vampires. Those silly, overacting vampires. Oh, and hey! We finally got confirmation: his name is spelled Warlow!

  Episode 10: Gone, Gone, Gone   Last week, I hope for True Blood’s awesome streak to continue. In a way it did, but there were a few things that were decidedly less awesome. In this installment, we’ve got some vampire deaths, a shockingly sad goodbye, Lafayette being fabulous (as usual) and some more naked Sam. And a scene that had me LOLing so much I had to stop watching to compose myself.

Episode 9: Everybody Wants to Rule the World This is my favorite episode of the season so far. It’s a shame they took so long to hit their creative stride, though. This one was all about the women of True Blood in a way: awesome women, batshit crazy women, scheming women. I’ve always been a fan of women kicking ass and taking names, and this show rarely disappoints. And I have a feeling our favorite characters are going to go to some dark places in the near future. (also potentially NSFW Sam ass)

Episode 8: Somebody that I Used to Know This fun-filled episode was directed by Mr. Bill Compton himself—Stephen Moyer (aka Mr. Anna Paquin)! We’re treated to some sexy acrobatics, some bizarre shifter antics, a bit of comeuppance, and the murderer of the Stackhouse parents is revealed! (sort of!) Also, can I just say how relieved I am that the producers didn't use the awful Gotye song for the end credits, and instead went with Elliott Smith.

Episode 7: In the Beginning As you all know, I was not a fan of last week’s episode. In this week’s installment we’re treated to faerie lights, torture, a very messy karaoke party, laughing smoke, and a vampire gets capped in the head. But was it an improvement over last time? Read on and find out!

So, let's be honest. I struggled to appreciate this episode. Out of the previous five, this one seemed boring by comparison. Sure, we find out what happens with Sookie and Russell, and learn the fates of both Sam and Luna. But everything else seemed...sloppy. Oh, just read on. I'm sure you'll see what I mean.

  Episode 5: Let’s Boot and Rally You know, it really seemed like a lot happened in this episode. But when I finished writing this recap, I noticed I hadn’t written all that much. An entertaining installment? Of course! We found out some things, but all in all, this episode gave me the entertainment equivalent of blue balls.

Episode 4: We’ll Meet Again Sorry this recap is late again. I have a life, you know! I don’t just lounge around in my coffin like some lazy vampire that I won't name coughTaracough. Season five is hitting some sort of stride, and this episode answers a question or two and teases us with a few more, so let’s get to it! Oh, and by the way, True Blood just got picked up for a sixth season , so whatever crazy shit they have planned for the season finale won’t be the last.

   Episode 3: Whatever I Am, You Made Me

I haven't done this in forever! it feels so good to do it again! so good! anyway, today we have True Blood star and, yes, the girl from the movie about the geese- ANNA PAQUIN. JUST LOOK AT HER she even gives cupcakes to homeless people! how cute! anyway, she might be engaged to her costar Stephen Moyer, but she's bi, which ups her hotness just a bit. just a bit. as my roommate once said, that makes her available to the whole population. never be depressed, bi people! you're luckier than those of us that favor one gender. I can't watch True Blood because I don't have HBO. this makes me sad. did you watch?