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Showing posts from March, 2012

A mean Julia Roberts + Phil Collins' daughter's caterpillar brows + Armie Hammer's naked chest = a merely fair "Mirror Mirror"

Mirror Mirror (2012) 106 min., rated PG. Grade: C Hollywood sure likes its fairy tales, what with TV shows "Once Upon a Time" and "Grimm" and not one but two takes on the "Snow White" tale being released this year, let alone three months apart. "Mirror Mirror" is the first wrinkle on the dark Brothers Grimm fairy tale, decidedly more cheerful and all-ages friendly but not completely the eye-rollingly hammy, pandering disaster suggested by its dreadful marketing. With director Tarsem Singh in command (pulling a McG and going just by "Tarsem" in the credits), this half-earnest, half-jokey retelling is an opulent feast for the eyes, which is great because everything else is pretty flat and often wackily unfunny. From the beginning, The Queen (Julia Roberts) narrates, clarifying that this is her story, not Snow White's. She makes a few mocking asides, commenting that her stepdaughter's parents named her Snow Whit

Doctor Who: A Beginner's Introduction

In search of some new sci-fi and out of genuine interest having heard the name of the series bandied about for years, I have recently begun DVR-ing episodes of Doctor Who on BBC America and I'm finding myself quite thrilled with the results. Having seen only about ten (or fewer) episodes, it seems unfair to write a "review" of the series, especially given its scope, but it's always nice to write about something when you've got the muse, and I haven't seen the Hunger Games (is Taylor Swift in it?), so this'll have to do. The Doctor is time-shifting alien who has been on and off the air since 1963, in one of the most storied sci-fi franchises known to man. He pops in and out of different times, places and planets, makes quirky remarks, generally stirs up trouble and then resolves it. His objective? I'm still waiting to find out, but he has been to Mars, Ancient Rome and the end of the universe, all in the span of several short episodes, hunting down

A Joint 'Hunger Games' Review

A Joint Hunger Games  Review Effort by LizRo and Britt “I need someone who’s cultured,  who I can actually have a conversation with— no offense to you, LizRo.” —Britt Kemp I went into The Hunger Games expecting as much as a nun on the pill. Having not seen so much as a preview, I was one of a rare few whose first impressions of the story were unveiled at the theater. I grasped the premise of the story as it unfolded on the screen. From jump, the film was visually quite striking. Elaborate costumes and intricate sets (used to depict the story’s metropolitans and their luxurious living spaces) would later illustrate that, in fact, no attention to detail had been spared in the making of this film. The opening scenes featured a post-apocalyptic world reminiscent of The Dust Bowl, though the theme of poverty was starkly juxtaposed against occasional hints of technological advancement, like television and spaceships.  The film has some opening dialogue th

We lost two literary titans this week.

You know how they say things come in threes? ... I'm not implying anything, but watch your back, Margaret Atwood ! Adrienne Rich is one of my favorite poets ever. I actually wrote a UC post about her once. She passed away yesterday at the age of 82. Here is a link to my friend Rachel McKeon reading one of her poems. RIP.  THEN, just when I thought we were out of the literary graveyard, we were not, as just today the writer Harry Crews died as well. I highly recommend you google him and read some of his shit because it's crazy, in a Charles Bukowski-meets- Flannery-O-Connor-in-a-brothel kind of way . so. RIP, I suppose? It's a sad week for the American literary community, that's for sure. last but not least: upcoming events on the Useless Critic - LizRo and I are finishing our review of the Hunger Games . - I have two writers lined up for writer's page! - possible more interviews  - Al is in Africa so you'll have to bear with me. I'm busy and w

Happy 25th Birthday, No Doubt!

Some 25 years ago yesterday, the greatest band in existence formed and played their first live show. 25 YEARS. shit girl, that's older than ME. They are supposedly coming back this year. Fiona Apple came back, which I never thought was going to happen, so I feel hopeful about this. until then, here's a song!

Halle Berry: In a Bikini

This in response to Al's Spring Break challenge. Question:  Did you know she is marrying a Frenchman? that woman is hot shit in France? yes, FRANCE. Halle Berry.  France. What is she doing with her life again? oh, and Ashton Kutcher and Rihanna are an item . I have a new apartment. The Republican Race is disgusting and I hope Rick Santorum disappears. NO BIAS.  question:  WHAT IS SHE DOING THESE DAYS NO REALLY

New "Be Useful" : All About North Korea

There is a new "Be Useful" posted. Click the tab above for more. This "Be Useful" is dedicated to Mr. Kurt Heinrich for the awesome artwork seen below. The Cold Waters of Korea: Tales of the Korean American Spirit By Grace Paik and Jeremiah Johnson. A book that explores culture. A book that connects Korea to USA. COMING SOON to Amazon.com! More Details in the "Be Useful" page.

Things I Knew About The Hunger Games Before Seeing it (a Short Brainstorm):

-Nothing. -Only what I could infer from the title.  -Famine Olympics.  -Warrior princess. -End of times. -I am culturally disabled due to my lack of cable TV. -Apparently it's a big deal. -Brunette female lead (is a warrior princess).  - The Hungover Games : one of the 987545645 videos my mother posted on Facebook that I didn’t bother to watch prior to seeing the movie. -Yeah, nothing. Stay tuned for my review with Big Britt-ches Kemp.  Hint: I have tasted the forbidden fruit.

Spring Break: It's Going On

From Washington to West Virginia to Indonesia, Spring Break is already in motion this week. To get you in the mood: Enjoy some of whatever Rihanna is doing right here. I encourage the other UC writers to post the best Spring Break Stories or Best Bikini pics if you just don't want to write too much. QATFYG: Who do you want most in a bikini?

New Film to be Released in 'Titans' Franchise

At the end of the month, Warner Brothers Picture is set to release the next installment in the successful 'Titans' franchise, this time entitled Wrath of the Titans. Yes, like all groups experiencing wrath, the Titans have been here before. The film continues the epic journey we began with Harry Hamlin's Perseus in 1981, as he did battle with Medusa and the Kraken (pictured below). In the interests of full disclosure, the reader must take note that I once owned a toy figurine of the Kraken with one or more broken appendages, so I have an affinity for defeated Krakens. The franchise thereafter remained silent for 19 years, when the role was reprised by Denzel Washington in 2000's Remember the Titans. This installment is arguably the most lauded of the franchise, as the story line veers away from cosmic destruction in favor of themes of camaraderie and overcoming racial strife. It is rumored that, through some behind-the-scenes fumbling, the new film will actually s

Things I Know About The Hunger Games Before Seeing It

- That Jennifer Lawrence is in it and she is hot. Winter's Bone much? Like it wasn't obvious or something!  - That it's basically Twilight  meets the Minotaur. - That, unlike one Bella Swan, this protagonist actually has a backbone of sorts. - That apparently it smashed box office records in several thousand different ways this past weekend. - That LizRo has never read da books either and that will make this experiencing 50000 times better. - At least American adolescents are reading? Right? RESPECTTTTTTTT - WHAT I SEE ON TUMBLR IS TOO MUCH - I wish the Republican presidential candidates had to go through a process akin to the Hunger Games . we will see what happens.

Miley Cyrus is Engaged!!

Miley Cyrus has decided to Tweet her manicure, and look at that rock she is wearing.Is someone trying to make a subtle revelation?Is this how Miley is telling the public she's engaged? Or is this a hoax? QATFYG: Are these really Miley's Hands? I hope not, or else she needs to moisturize more. Let's all pray her hands don't dry and look all veined up like Megan Fox. This is me. I think for once, My Skin Tone kicks Miley's ass.

Getting Tangled Up

Have you ever heard of matrimony rock? Me neither, until recently. Enter Austin's the Long Tangles , a band you need to hear/pay attention to. This is how the band formed, way back in January of 2010: Earl  and  Courtney  met on a sultry evening in New Orleans in a seedy bar. Neither one of them would have guessed that they would eventually form a rock band, especially by the way Courtney treated Earl with undeserved disdain. The Long Tangles formed in January of 2010 as a drums/keys/vox Indie Rock/Indie Pop/Matrimony Rock duo. God had other plans for these guys! (Or Xenu, if you're so inclined).  So I talked to Courtney of the Long Tangles recently about things to do if music doesn't work out, NOLA and SXSW. Also:  how precisely it was they came into being. read on! UC: So what were you up to in New Orleans? Courtney: We went to a friend’s wedding! We second line’d, ate a lot, danced a lot, and enjoyed the splendors of walking around the Quarter with Bloody Ma

These guys invented Google?

Really? I kind of dig Larry Page's hair, but....really? this blog will disappear tomorrow. LOVE YOU GOOGLE +

Climb Aboard the Black Machine

The Ancient of Days, Watercolor etching by William Blake (1794) Hello Nasty, The Beastie Boys (1998)

JK Rowling: The Latest News on Her New Book

With each day we come closer and closer to another novel from J.K Rowling, a woman that I completely adore. I hope when I say adore, you understand that I don’t mean as a stalker. I mean it as a future lover. (Creepy Scale: 1 to 10…rate me in the comments). It takes one look at the headline from the NY Times headline “Rowling Returns With a New Book, This Time for Adults.” SWEET! Fantasy Writer tackling Adult Novelism! I am ecstatic. Each day brings us closer and closer to the next book, and based on that line, it sounds like it’ll be magical erotica. QATFYG: Would you read magical erotica? Not like Centaurs on Unicorns because those are like animals, but more like Vampires and Fairies (oh wait, sorry Sookie). I mean, more like “demons and wizards.” I mean, more like human beings and sex…dammit I’m out of words. Meh, she writes the shit, not me.

DateMeMateMe.Com: Worst Dating Site Ever!

DateMe Mate Me dot com. Wow, something that is straight and to the point. It’s where you can casually introduce yourself to others….whore yourself…then get pregnant. Not joking, that’s the name of the website. Sounds like the best dating website in the world, yes? Wrong. This is by far the lousiest dating website I have ever seen. It even trumps InterracialMatch.com for the title of “The Worst Dating Website on the Web.” The only colored folk you’ll find on Interracial Match are blue balls, and the only Dates and Mates you’ll find on DateMeMateMe is your left or right hand. The layout of this website is plain, boring, and not appealing at all to the human eye. I have to admit it is a free dating service. - Find singles with FREE ZIP code locator Why the hell does that have to sound so disturbing? It sounds like instead of dates, you’re going to get assault me and batter me, and that is not a joke. I found this website while I was looking for Arab singles. Oh, shut up! Yo

Breaking News: White Chocolate is Not Really Chocolate

Breaking News Folks: Ripped from the Headlines Folks: On the front page of today's headlines, new studies have revealed that White Chocolate is not actually chocolate. No, I am not shitting you. From the Article: Is White Chocolate Chocolate? "It has a few nuances, usually very sweet and does not have such a taste in common. According to experts, it is because white chocolate is not chocolate."It does not contain cocoa solids, only butter," says Diego Badaró, partner owner of the manufacturer AMMA Chocolates. And therein lies the point: the recipe of the white does not contain pulp cocoa solids (chocolate liquor) extracted from cocoa." Thank you so much for this groundbreaking discovery. I am pretty sure we all had this conversation in elementary school 14 years ago...no lie...but thank you all the same. This website might be called The Useless Critic, but it only makes the job easier when you've got Useless News to support you. This is the l

New Celeb Stuff: Persian America is at Home

New Celeb Stuff Updated: Bravo makes yet another reality line plunge. For all the inside scoop at the new Persian reality show "Shahs of Sunset," click the Celeb Stuff page up top. QATFYG: Want to buy a rug? Ha Ha Ha -Nader

Rick Santorum's Daughter

Even if you don't follow politics, you must know that Rick Santorum comes from a knucklewalking coal mining background. Furthermore, you must know that presidential candidate, Rick Santorum, has seven kids like that one girl in the photo above. What's her name? Who cares? She looks just like him. What would it be like to hook up with that? Imagine, dating a girl that looked exactly like Rick Santorum. Same nose. Same jawline. That'd be the most tripped out dating experience ever. I wonder what kind of person is going to get to second base with her. QATFYG: Would you hit that? How is Rick Santorum still in the running? Whatever happened to that Newt?

Ashton Kutcher To Be First Tool in Space

So I am pretty bummed tonight- it's been a sad day- but how could I not laugh my ass off when I read this headline: Ashton Kutcher Headed to Space! Yup, apparently Richard "I'm Obviously Insane and Hairy" Branson tapped him to go into space. I can only imagine the great dialogues that will go on up there with Ashton in orbit, judged from the half-episode of the new Two and a Half Men  I somehow got caught watching. Ashton:  Like....it's space....and stuff. *pulls out Blackberry and tweets* Anyway, I don't really have anything against Ashton, but I've been Team Demi since Day 1 and I'm not backing down.  Also:  space is a whore. And I feel better now. In related news, Kathy Bates is playing the ghost of Charlie Sheen on an upcoming episode of Two and a Half Men . You betcha.

The 2012 List of Illegal Baby Names

The 2012 List of Illegal Baby Names: These names have been declared illegal by the Pope. I am sure there are some parts of the world where they are still suitable. Like Somalia. 1. Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii from New Zealand. ***This might be a joke. Not sure. 2. Venerdi from Italy ***The Italian word for Friday. Apparently, Robinson Crusoe's brother from another mother is not for another. 3. Brfxxccxxmnpcccclllmmnprxvclmnckssqlbb11116 from Sweden Pronounced "Albin." ***Other banned Swedish Names:Metallica, IKEA, Veranda and Q. The name Google was apparently accepted. 4. Gesher: The Norwegian word for Bridge 5. Chow Tow meaning “Smelly Head” in Malaysia. 6. Miatt from Germany. ***Didn’t Identify Gender Well Enough. Think Erin vs. Aaron. 7. Anus from Denmark ***Ok, fair point. 8. Ovnis from Portugal ***No Comment 9. Akuma from Japan ***Akuma is the Japanese word for Devil. 10. @ ***The most notorious on the list goes to the Chinese couple that t

Happy Birthday, Mr. Rogers, your friend and mine.

March 20th marks Mr. Fred Rogers' 84th birthday. Of course he's dead, so like, he's not celebrating it. You feel me? Mr. Rogers was one cool dude. In one post , I named him a MAN OF THE CENTURY. I stand by that accusation. Mr. Rogers had a really good heart, he was sincere, he was religious but he wasn't obnoxious about it, he loved kids in a non-creepy non-Michael Jackson way, he genuinely cared about other people, and he wore really great sweaters (BETTER THAN RICK SANTORUM WHY DO I KEEP HEARING HIS NAME MAKE THE NIGHTMARE STOP).  I mean, read this for further proof. Mr. Rogers was (in spite of all the people that mock him) an admirable human being. And kids TV show sure could use a guy like him now. What's all this crap on the TV for children anymore?!? My favorite part of his shows was when he took on one pair of shoes and put on another. And he sat down to explain it. I was HYPNOTIZED by that. seriously, hypnotized. back in the good old days when the w

Check it out! (Be Useful-related)

Back in Erie, my friend Kim is putting together a March of Dimes team. She needs donations and volunteers. Any help is really appreciated, so check it out:   http:// www.marchforbabies.org/ team/t1838696   I mean, babies.* Come on!  *as long as they ARE NOT MINE