The Useless Critic 2.0

Episode 8: Somebody that I Used to Know This fun-filled episode was directed by Mr. Bill Compton himself—Stephen Moyer (aka Mr. Anna Paquin)! We’re treated to some sexy acrobatics, some bizarre shifter antics, a bit of comeuppance, and the murderer of the Stackhouse parents is revealed! (sort of!) Also, can I just say how relieved I am that the producers didn't use the awful Gotye song for the end credits, and instead went with Elliott Smith.

New Celeb Stuff: After the crumbling tower that was the Men's Gymnastics Team came Crumbling Down last night like a Tower of Crumbling Shit, it's all up to the women's gymnastics team to bring a Gold home for USA. The only thing standing in their way is my new girlfriend, He Kexin (see post below). For Celeb Stuff (see Page Above).

Oh My Gosh, it’s really big, really thick, and really hard.  Shut up you perverts , I am talking about the protein energy drink, Carnivor…not spelled Carnivore. They drop the E because the E is for Energy, and their Energy is already inside you.  This one hosts the claim of having the %350 more concentrated protein than pure steak. It offers 50 grams of the strong stuff, and the first sip is intense.  No joke when saying it’s thick. The first taste of Carnivor is like tasting water and chalk, and you have that moment where you stare at the can and ask yourself “What flavor is this again?” “Fruit Punch?”   “That’s some chalky-ass fruit punch!” Don’t get me wrong, the taste is not awful. After the first sip, it becomes rather palatable. It’s just very strong and surprises you with the intensity… (shut up again you perverts)! Carnivor’s drink is more like Five Hour Energy Shots than red bull. It does not contain carbonation, and it is focused...

We're advancing! Aren't these just simply the most EXCITING times? Oh shut up. I know this countdown is the highlight of your life. Don't act like that's not true . #6- When Kanye West Talks Why? Because he's got a notorious rep for apparently not thinking before he blabbers. The first incident of this was just right after Katrina hit and devastated NOLA. On national television, with one awkward Mike Myers by his side, he announced that "George Bush hates black people." And granted, even though this was kind of a dumb moment, he did have a point because of the sociopolitical aspect of the Katrina response. However, it really wasn't the medium   for that kind of message and it could have been just a LITTLE more articulate. Then, this happened. <- He totally alpha-dogged TayTay (TM) on behalf of Beyonce at the MTV Awards. TayTay! The best part of this? Beyonce's reaction obviously. She just was like "really? REALLY ?" La...

***If only she knew those were my hands on her back..... Dear He Kexin, Hey, what’s up? Have you learned English yet? So how is life making the Olympic Team twice for China? I once wrote a post about you called “Hidden Voice Talents.” I hope you read it, but at the same time, it also mentioned Brad Garrett, so I’ll be kind of glad if you didn’t. He Kexin, what’s it like to compete in the Olympics and actually be 16 years old this time? What’s the matter, you are all big and tall now, and you no longer look like an action figure…I know that you and I are from different countries…countries which are enemies…but just think, in two years you will actually be able old enough to date me, meaning I know that you were 12 during Beijing 2008. I hope you go for that whole “older men are so attractive" mentality. 2008 = Way Too Young!  Trust me, I am not set on breaking any laws (like how you faked your age for the last Olympics), and I am not willing to become ...

Song of the Day Her new song is gorgeous. She's so incredible:  can't wait to hear her new album!

Okay, let's get back to the basics. I had designed this countdown in my head as being a gloss-over of the past decade in pop culture but I had included some recent events that were just earthshattering (literally) to NOT have been included. Did that sentence make sense? Who know; who cares! Let's journey back to the mid-2000s now. When smartphones had yet to take over the world and facebook was just a dream in Mark Zuckerberg's oval-shaped head. #7 Renee Zellweger and Kenny Chesney Married And It Lasted Like Two Minutes Oh I adore this picture for reasons I'm still not totally sure of. Look at those newlyweds! Look at her glow! Look at his ridiculous hat! This one came of the blue, didn't it? No one even really seemed to know they were an item until much too late. And by then the unthinkable act had been carried out and Renee, supposedly, believed Kenny's tractor to be INDEED sexy. Wait:  what? Renee apparently became lucid when she woke ...

Yes, I do realize I'm a little late, considering the song was released on July 10. Whatever, Ellie Goulding is one of my favorite singers ever, her amazingness alone is worth an entire post. Besides, if you're a strong female, you don't need permission , so shut up and just read it. "Hanging On" is in fact a cover of a song by Active Child , who, I must say, I had never heard of up until this point. Her version has everything you could ask for in an Ellie song: her ethereal vocals over dreamy, twinkling synths, as well as a big, booming chorus. I just think that whoever produced the song overdid the Auto-Tune a little, I mean, Ellie has such a beautiful voice, it's as sweet as cotton candy and pink lemonades on a warm summer afternoon. I'm usually all for the use of the vocoder or any other type of vocal processing in electronic music, when done properly, but I really don't think Auto-Tune would be the case. On top of that, the song features T...

Song of the Day Perhaps you recognize it from the Perks of Being a Wallflower trailer? Or maybe you, like someone on last.fm, thought it was a Taylor Swift song, too? man, this whole Kristen scandal has given me 2000x more respect for Miss Swift. just saying. good song!

They were the golden couple; they ARE Bella and Edward, after all. They are our Jackie and John, Marilyn and Joe DiMaggio, Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky. But then. Then. THEN. #8 is BREAKING NEWS, everybody. This is a big deal. And I know and recognize the fact it is a big deal because it is ALWAYS in my headlines!!!!! KRISTEN CHEATS ON ROBERT I know. I was screaming at God too when this happened. Like "Why, God, why? WHY?!?!" So rumor has it that while she was filming Snow White, Miss Face of a 1000 Emotions started sleeping with the director, Rubert Sanders, who HIMSELF IS MARRIED WITH KIDS. !!!! Oh Kristen. Girl. This has even pissed off Charlize Theron. You do not want to piss off Charlize!  Kristen went so far as to issue an apology letter- blah blah blah I'M SO SORRY blah blah blah queef- but really, even if she did seriously cheat on Rob with this Rubert fellow (someone likes their Brits, hai hai) does she NEED to apologize to ...

<div class='visually_embed' data-category='Love and Sex' rel='infographic'>    <img class='visually_embed_infographic' src='http://thumbnails.visually.netdna-cdn.com/SexytimeTheMusical_5009d269e9614_w587.jpg' rel='http://thumbnails.visually.netdna-cdn.com/SexytimeTheMusical_5009d269e9614.jpg' alt='Sexytime: The Musical' />    <div class='visually_embed_bar'>     <span class='visually_embed_cycle'>Browse more <a href='http://visual.ly'>data visualizations</a>.</span>    </div>    <a id='visually_embed_view_more' target='_blank' href='http://visual.ly/sexytime-musical'></a>    <link rel='stylesheet' type='text/css' href='http://visual.ly/embeder/style.css' />    <script type='text/javascript' src='http://visual.ly/embeder/embed.js'></script>   </div> I like the ...

There is a new "Be Useful" page updated on the pages bar up top. It's the not the happiest one ever written, but as Sybil on Downton Abbey said "It's the gloomy causes that need us."  Please give a read. Questions for You: What would you like to see on "Be Useful?"

I originally intended to write a review alongside Britt and Cara a threesome IF YOU WILL, but those chicks are crazy professionals and I can’t keep up with their greatness. So here is my simplistic late-to-the-game review of the Dark Knight Rises.  Overall my reaction to the final installment in the Batman trilogy was a series of exaggerated facial expressions. At times I was over the top impressed and at others I was just left shrugging or gritting my teeth. At the end of the day I’ll go with “I think it was a great conclusion to the Nolan series and I’m glad I wore my cape.”  Catwoman: Hathaway didn’t sell me. (I’M SO SORRY CARA) I feel terrible saying it but she seemed a far cry from the vicious vixen of the Comic book. I went into the movie excited to see if she could pull it off, and at the first scene where she encounters Bruce my hopes remained high. Shortly thereafter the character began to fall apart. The agility and speed of Catwoman was reflected pr...

I decided to make #9, always an unfairly undervalued and underrated number, a little bit of a curveball. As in something more recent, which I actually blogged about in the past (imagine that.) I present to you- ANNE HATHAWAY'S HAIRCUT allegedly the actress was "inconsolable" when she chopped-chopped for her role in Les Miserables . Oh Anne, you still look cute. No worries, bb. Still though! The amount of press this haircut got was absurd! You would have thought the Berlin Wall was on top of her head and Reagan had said "Anne Hathaway, TEAR DOWN THAT HAIR." However, that being said, I still have to say I prefer Anne with her hair long and wavy. She's quite a knockout:  See also:  the Natalie Portman Shaved Head Oh Anne! Hope your hair grows back soon! XOXOXO

Episode 7: In the Beginning As you all know, I was not a fan of last week’s episode. In this week’s installment we’re treated to faerie lights, torture, a very messy karaoke party, laughing smoke, and a vampire gets capped in the head. But was it an improvement over last time? Read on and find out!

Yesterday, July 23rd, marked the first anniversary of the death of the incredibly talented Amy Winehouse. I can't believe it's been a year already, it seems like only yesterday I was awaked to such devastating news. Even though it was already expected by many (including myself), I was still deeply shocked and heartbroken, I simply refused to accept that it was true. I recall becoming a fan back in 2007 (I was a massive fan of soul, jazz and everything in between). I was not only drawn to her impressive soulful voice, her instinctive musicianship and her unique sense of style, but also to the raw openness of her lyrics. She was completely unafraid to expose her pain, her vulnerability, her darkest feelings, but she did so in a way that sounded candid and relatable, not sappy or clichéd like many artists. I cannot tell you how many times I found comfort in songs like " Tears Dry On Their Own ", " Take The Box " and " He Can Only Hold Her ". ...

Let's not act like this wasn't a huge scandal when it developed. It was. At the time, Meg Ryan (this was the turn of the century, don't you remember?) a BIG DEAL. These people love You've Got Mail just as much as I do! Yes, I don't quite remember if Kate and Leopold, perhaps one of her finer achievements, had come out yet, but it was certainly around that cusp. Meg Ryan, Reigning Queen of RomCom, a title she never totally bequeathed to anyone, be they Kate Hudson or Jennifer Lopez or Reese Witherspoon, etc. Brittany Murphy probably had something of a chance, but she is in a better place now. And I don't mean Taco Bell. look how beautiful and young and early 2000s they look! At this point, Meg had been married to Dennis Quaid for a number of years. They met on the set of some film NOT GONNA IMDB THAT BECAUSE I'M BETTER THAN THAT. They were enjoying one of the most successful and long-running marriages in Hollywood. Although, we secretly wish s...

Top 10 Reasons to Get Excited for the Olympics: #1 The Surprise Gold Medal In many ways, that is the reason that all the athletes and all the nations compete and merge together once every four years. They all seek to perform and entertain, but in the back of their minds, all that training is focused on one thing...the Olympic Gold Medal, and when an underdog rises through the rings and achieves a Gold Medal that shocks the world, it takes the number one spot on our countdown.  Oussama Melliouli There are moments that defy the odds and expectation, such as when Tunisian swimmer Oussama Melliouli scored the only medal for all of Tunisia at the 2008 games, and it was nothing short of a Gold in swimming, the first individual men's swimming gold medal every won by an African nation.  Hong Un Jong Center Then, there was North Korean gymnast Hong Un Jong who defied all competition from USA, China, and Romania by winning a Gold Medal in women’s gymnastics...

I'm sorry. On a serious note, I would like to express my sorrow for the victims and families affected by the horrible shooting in Colorado. My deepest sympathy and thoughts are with all of them during what, I know from experience, is a heartbreaking and immensely difficult time. So, I went to the Batman midnight premiere with two big fans of the comic book and previous movies, my comrades Bryce and Kim. Kim wore her Dark Knight cape and short-shorts. If you don't think she was every pre-teen boy's wet dream, you would be wrong. Bryce bought the tickets last week (before they sold out - all I think, twelve or thirteen theaters at Tinseltown in Erie!) and we actually made decent time, i.e. I wasn't running late for once. My friend emailed me from the Batman marathon that had been ongoing since 6 p.m. to tell me, at around 9:00 p.m., people were already lining up. D: We went to Wegmans (HOLLA) on Peach and got snacks - sushi, gummi worms and sour patch kids for...