The Useless Critic 2.0

Call me jaded or cynical, but I've never got the big fuss over Valentine's Day. Probably because I've never been in a serious, monogamous relationship before, but I don't really care about those either. To me it's just like any other day of the year. I 'm not one to sit at home in my PJs crying, drinking wine, and miming to Celine Dion like Bridget Jones (I do love that movie, though). Instead, I could be having mindless sex with some hottie I just met on Tinder, lighting a doobie, rewatching my precious Gossip Girl DVDs for the millionth time, treating myself to a shopping spree... Really, the possibilities are infinite. Alright, let's get to the point. Valentine's Day reminds me of a Garbage song titled "I Hate Love," off of the band's latest studio release, 2012's Not Your Kind of People , which is excellent – as are their other albums. Despite the song's somewhat upbeat instrumentation, the lyrics are quite dark and...

I made all the lovers out there a mixtape (read: Spotify playlist). Just imagine me as the DJ from "Love Actually." It's got some happy, some sad, and some just whatever. XOXOXOX BK

I realized I'm slacking on a playlist for this week, but right now I feel like I'm trapped in a nightmare. So I'm just going to come back and do one next week. As many as views as those things get and as much as I enjoy doing them, I also feel like it's hard for me to gauge success since we get such little feedback. Anyway. Because everybody is talking about Valentine's Day already (gag) I compiled this playlist. Which was therapeutic in a sense. You've got: - Your heartbroken songs - Your angry songs - Your empowered songs - Your self-hating songs - Your Alanis Morrisette I'm sure I'll add more. I was hoping I could find a country song like "She Left Me For My Tractor and I Cried in My Beer." Apparently that doesn't exist yet.

Valentine's Day is coming up and I hope you have plans. Like a fat hooker named Marta coming in from Youngstown to knead your flesh like dough. Perhaps you will dine on a tub of better alone, weeping. Or perhaps you are one of those fortunate people who will be celebrating love with the one you love.  Anyway: Godspeed . :) Last year, we all made our Valentine's Day playlists, some in jest and some in earnest. This year- I'm trying a different approach (and solo I guess).  So, if you want to establish a truly romantic experience, please avoid these songs by any means: Michael Bolton need not touch anyone ANYWHERE. Plus, who the hell says "can I touch you there?" midsex? Really? No! Get away from my elbow!!!! Would you kick that man out of bed for his dreads? All I can think about is "Bruno." "Puppy Love" will not get you laid. FYI. Depressing music should be avoided. Or whatever. It's your call bro. Nico shoul...

What's the best date movie for today? Well that's sort of a rough question, isn't it? Don't you want something all smoky-eyed and noirlike for your betrothed?!? NO? Okay. My pick would be, since you asked so kindly, the Silence of the Lambs. It's an unorthodox pick, sssssure. But listen here, males of the reading audience:  no matter how bad and how awkward your date is with Jane from yoga, Ellen from Craigslist, Judy from OKCupid, Amir from accounting, you can just be like, clearing your throat:   bitch, at least I'm not going to eat you. PASS THE POPCORN, PLEASE.

First off, I must publicly acknowledge my gratitude for having been inducted into The UC’s official team of contributors. While acceptance speeches aren’t exactly my genre, you should all know that I wasn’t kidding when I said I was unemployed, and I welcome the opportunity to pretend I’m being productive. (Britt Kemp, here’s lookin’ at you, kid.)  When it comes to Valentine’s Day, most people fall into one of two buckets of b.s.: those who celebrate, or those who are hate. Myself, not so much. I don’t have a valentine, but I also don’t have a desire to piss in the cornflakes of happy couples. I’m a  strong, independent, black woman , who can appreciate a holiday for its color scheme. On the 14th, I’ll make probably violent love to myself and call it a day. Having said all of that, my Valentine’s Day Mix is not about romance or vengeance. It’s about songs that I would enjoy on Valentine’s Day, if Valentine’s Day were celebrated like St. Patty’s Day—in which case c...

Hey baby. Yeah that's a 500 Days of Summer  picture. I hope you like it; I KNOW you do. Fun fact:  I also grew up on a misreading of The Graduate. Life is better that way. So here are 7 songs to encapsulate your favorite greeting card holiday after The Sweetest Day. you know you'll be getting some serious over-the-pants action, so I thought I should help you out and set the STELLAR MOOD. "First Love" - The Maccabees sure I've posted this before, but I don't get sick of it. it reminds me of how truly fleeting first love is, even though Cat Stevens says the same thing and in fewer words. And what the fuck is up with Orlando's voice? Whatever. "Maggie May"- Rod Stewart I had a Maggie May....but that wasn't her name. God, Maggie May is a name for a cow. See also:  Barry Manilow don't feel bad for him. he has more money than you and I ever will. "Roslyn"- Bon Iver & St. Vincent hesistation, blah blah b...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/King_of_Limbs also you should ask me for love advice today. I'm giving it out. and also http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9aofoBrFNdg today is a day for sad, overweight black men. (see also: Cee Lo ) more importantly though it's RANDOM ACTS OF KINDNESS week so go be nice to people and stuff. thanks Mike!

So it shall commence........ I send some thanks for Youtube user InternetDiscovery for posting a list of Japanese Love songs. These are great anytime of the year. The First Japanese Love Song I confess I am not extremely familiar with this song, but this video is pretty darn sentimental. Ariuka—Winter Love Song—Mongolian Version Now to India, this was a World Record for the largest Sitar ensemble. I am posting it to remind us all, that we are never truly alone. And like all my Asian Music Party posts, they contain Shahrizoda, the female group from Uzbekistan that I love so much. This song is simply called “Rose.” QATFYG: Do you have an Asian song of romance?

For all those of our readers who are Muslim and thinking about a girlfriend or boyfriend for your valentine........ I am now living in the Arab country of Algeria, and life in the Muslim world means one thing. Privacy is hard to come by sometimes. The other day I had journeyed into a small clearing in the local landfill to practice my French rapping skills, and a man suddenly popped out of a tiny crevasse. He introduced himself to me and asked my nation of origin. Once he learned I was American he journeyed back into his little dirt hole and returned with his girlfriend whom he was having a picnic with at the time. (And no, that is not a metaphor for something else. It was a real picnic.) I had discovered an Algerian make out hole. The two people then invited me to join them on their picnic and they even gave me a chicken sandwich and a Gucci keychain as a souvenir. Since then, I have noticed pairs of two heading down this little path toward the clearing in the dump for some TLC and PG...