The Useless Critic 2.0

They have all joined together for a movie that- daresay I- looks good! Seriously though, this kind of meta-comedy project is my wet dream. Plus, it's not "Spring Breakers."  AHHHH It just looks...ridiculously goofy. And I, being goofy, respect, enjoy and appreciate my own kind. But don't take my word for it, LeVar Burton!  Here it is: What do you think? I'd like to believe Rihanna survives the Biblical End of Days. 

This episode starts with some good ol' hipster bashing at the cupcake shop, as an obnoxious hipster guy asks for another refill. In response, Max mocks him for wearing overalls. All of a sudden, the guy starts drumming his hands on the table, which pisses Max off even more. Caroline reminds her not to give attitude, as they're not in the diner. She also tells the guy to help himself to a fresh mocha almond refill. Andy walks by the shop and Max waves, but Caroline doesn't seem too happy about it. "He didn't die just because you stopped letting him touch your boobies," Max explains. Moments before Andy walks into the shop, Caroline runs and hides in the back, blaming Max's wave for starting it. "I'm sorry, my hand is friendly. Ask any guy in high school," Max justifies. Andy asks Max how Caroline is doing. He also wants to make sure everything's cool between him and Max, as she hasn't texted him a picture of an unlikely animal f...

I am not this cool.  If you know me, and I don't expect you know me all that well, you would realize one of my longtime dreams is to travel across America a la Jack Kerouac. Well, I did that. Recently. In a Greyhound. (Not quite the dream, per se).  I traveled to Phoenix from Erie, PA in a two-day journey we could only call "hellish." Originally it would have been roundtrip, but a work emergency caused me to miss my first bus. I flew home, but not without somehow losing my glasses in the progress. (Luck? What's that?) I'm about to describe to you this journey in the only way I know how:  vaguely passive-aggressive blogging. Chapter 1: Yelling At Old Women And Fixing Some Lady's Blackberry I left Erie on a cold and brisk Friday afternoon. I was sick to begin with- the weather took a toll on my now warm-weather-acclimated system, so I didn't even have much of a "vacation" to begin with. Plus, I had romanticized my whole trip home. Y...

#2 on the Pop Culture Countdown of Moments That Were/Are of No Significance To You- Chris Brown and Rihanna: the Saga Never Ends and God, may it never! Why did our generation's Sean Penn and Madonna break up? Hmm, oh, didn't he hit her? *hits forehead* that must be why, duh! Gahhhhh. Rihanna, I think you are a beautiful and talented young woman, but what the hell ? And Chris Brown, really?!?! Don't you have like two good songs? Justin Bieber before you, always.  Biebs or a softball coach? you decide!  Well, ever since these lovebirds parted ways in 2009, it's been tabloid porn, really. Paparazzis jizz for this stuff. And me? I pray they either permanently part ways or disappear a la Jimmy Hoffa. Rihanna has been linked to a plethora of men, good ones and bad ones alike. I personally thought the Kemp guy was a good match (for obvious reasons HINT HINT). Ashton Kutcher and her were once linked, but unfortunately, Mr. Toolbag has hooked up with Mila ...

Guys, I've been hiding a secret from you. It's been painful and it's been hard, but I've decided to come clean. Clean as the day I was born. Just kidding, that was a messy, painful and gross day. I don't remember it for many reasons, but have been told I slipped out of my mom like a slick poop.  Here is my confession. Bless me father, for I have sinned. And this one's pretty bad. I've been dating Rihanna. Yeah, I know you heard SOMETHING about Kutcher and then SOMETHING about Chris Brown again THOSE DUDES ARE JUST COVERS. OUR LOVE IS REAL. ETERNAL. GLORIOUS. WILL NEVER DIE. I hired this dude to sing for her. And jump out of a cake. So what has it been like? A whirlwind, surely. One moment we're antiquing, the next moment she's tonguing me in a Chevy in a parking lot demanding I wear a dog collar. Yeah, I wear dog collars a lot. It's cool. Here's a sample of our conversations: me:   so do you want to like,...

This in response to Al's Spring Break challenge. Question:  Did you know she is marrying a Frenchman? that woman is hot shit in France? yes, FRANCE. Halle Berry.  France. What is she doing with her life again? oh, and Ashton Kutcher and Rihanna are an item . I have a new apartment. The Republican Race is disgusting and I hope Rick Santorum disappears. NO BIAS.  question:  WHAT IS SHE DOING THESE DAYS NO REALLY

From Washington to West Virginia to Indonesia, Spring Break is already in motion this week. To get you in the mood: Enjoy some of whatever Rihanna is doing right here. I encourage the other UC writers to post the best Spring Break Stories or Best Bikini pics if you just don't want to write too much. QATFYG: Who do you want most in a bikini?

Rihanna just keeps getting more and more Ink. The latest one is that tiny little cross on her neck. See that little red dot on her neck? No, it is not dust on your screen. QATFYG: Is this hot? Hell Yes. Tattoos on women are gorgeous. Tattoos on the index finger? Not so much. #HitOrMiss But really Rihanna, if you want more tattoos....get some bigger ink.

Naturally, I grew progressively more interested in The Bodyguard .  No, it's not that good of a film and I know that. Growing up, I always thought the love story between Kevin Costner and Whitney Houston was kind of cool. They always seemed like such polar opposites, which I guess is how the story works. With Madonna, it would have sucked. With anyone else but Whitney Houston, it would have sucked (more than it did). On an off-note:  it was a fairly good ceremony, wasn't it? And how can you not listen to "I Will Always Love You" and not get chills? BITCH HAD CHOPS. I was riveted by the whole thing until Stevie Wonder showed up. I hope one day he is able to see and cuts his hair. I AM SORRY IT JUST REALLY, REALLY GOT TO ME. Anyway, Kevin Costner did a beautiful job with his eulogy. Really, him, Alicia Keys and Tyler Perry were the ones I thought that were the most...heartwrenching? When Alicia lost it on the piano?!?!? aw, damn.  So I (getting back to the or...

People in Scandinavian/Baltic countries and Europe and immigrants and people in Fitzgerald short stories LOVE tomorrow. I don't really care. but I love that month (even though it looks rainy and dismal for the first part, at least). so this post serves as a "celebration." OPEN YOUR MIND. May is big for me, I turn 23 and get to go to a few cities and possibly have a big job interview again. I try not to get my hopes too far up, because I'm used to having my hopes' wrists slashed for whatever reason. FOR SOME REASON, I've been thinking a lot about Mexico. that makes no sense. I'd love to go to Mexico but I understand I might die. :/ for the time being, I will settle for the weekly El Canelo excursion ( HOLLA I LOVE YOU) as my Mexico interaction. here are some songs about Mexico to get you thinking about Mexico: I still need to hear their new album! and a band from Finland, Satellite Stories, has a song "Mexico" which I really like but c...

So during my future encounters with the Royal honeymooners, we will have been listening to "Rainbow" and drinking Red Bull for nine hours during the daylight (behind opaque curtains). Next without rest, Kate, Wills, and Algerie Nader (that's me) will paint our faces like smarmy goth types and listen to this song from Rihanna, followed by another nine hours of drinking Red Bull and smacking. Na na na na Come on Na na na na Come on Na na na na na Come on Na na na na Come on, come on, come on Na na na na Come on Na na na na Come on Na na na na na Come on Na na na na Come on, come on, come on Na na na na Feels so good being bad (Oh oh oh oh oh) There's no way I'm turning back (Oh oh oh oh oh) Now the pain is my pleasure cause nothing could measure (Oh oh oh oh oh) Love is great, love is fine (Oh oh oh oh oh) Out the box, outta line (Oh oh oh oh oh) The affliction of the feeling leaves me wanting more (Oh oh oh oh oh) Cause I may be bad, but I'm perfectly good at i...

I just want to say that this is the cutest thing. Give me a Pulitzer.

I will surely soon return to obscurity.