The Useless Critic 2.0

Everyone in the damn world is concerned about Miley Cyrus. Even Smores is concerned about Miley Cyrus. what the actual fuck The latest voice of those concerned is noneother than goddess Kate Winslet. Kate can do no wrong; except name her child bear but w/e. Also: She doesn't care what you or I think . This is because Kate is a badass. Here is what Kate said in a recent interview: "You hear horror stories where you think, 'God, who's looking after these people and why does it seem like they're losing their way?'" Winslet told the magazine. "I mean, you think about someone like Miley Cyrus, and I said to my daughter the other day, 'I'm this close to opening my mouth about what's going on with that girl.' Who is actually saying [to Miley], 'Stop for a second, what do you want, who are you?'" SOURCE Now, I have a feeling Miley will lash out, like she did to Sinead. But what can she say about Kate? ...

Ahem Disclaimer: This year, a lot of music came out. I did not listen to it all. I stayed far away from Miley, though. Albeit the only time I heard "Wrecking Ball" it made me cry but that HAS NOTHING to do with her talent. Song That Was Everywhere That Did Not Suck When I get home, my Mom will be listening to this song (mark my words) and telling me how it is good walking music. I would bet money on this if I was a betting type. I'm glad Lorde is getting recognized by the Grammys. But: a.) The Grammys are like a grandma trying to be hip. b.) SECOND ALBUM CURSE. See: Alanis Morrisette . I know, somebody is saying "Why can't you be happy for her? She's just a kid!" BITCH I AM HAPPY I'M JUST WORRIED My personal favorite album of 2013: The National's "Trouble Will Find Me." I am sure this comes as no shock. And it was a grower of a quiet masterpiece. I wouldn't say it's their best, ...

I just returned from a late breakfast at the bus stop. I know that sounds glamorous, and believe me, Kim Kardashian dreams of my lifestyle. Actually I was doing a lot of thinking. Seeing as how I'm now returning to normal so to speak, my thoughts aren't as morbid or as masochistic as they have been. I'm going to share them with the world now. 1.) Miley Cyrus insults Sinead O'Connor's mental health- Okay, I am a fan of neither, but that is just LOW. Scumbag low. That's like insulting someone's physical condition. As you can deduce by my previous post, I kinda hate Miley. And I think Sinead is not the greatest but Miley has proven herself to be a tactless bitch. I am no Freud, but I think Ms. Cyrus has her own demons, so it's like the pot calling kettle black, really. 2.) Mia Farrow discusses Woody Allen's alleged sexual abuse in Vanity Fair- This was news to me. I love Woody Allen; he's a talented writer and director. However, it...

Some of these won't apply to you, but #10 applies to us all as human beings. 10.) Nicolas Cage as Miley Cyrus in the "Wrecking Ball" video Kim sent this to me and I have no idea what to make of it. I can't stand Miley Cyrus and wish she'd disappear. However... this. This. Jesus. 9.) The new Washed Out album, "Paracosm." It's a gorgeous experience. I don't think I like it as much as "Within and Without," but I definitely am enjoying it. This is, in my opinion, the best track- "All I Know." It's like a less bombastic sequel to "Amor Fati." Ernest Greene is such a talented guy. He makes music from a genuine place, and I appreciate that. 8.) I'm writing a lot again. I'm almost done with a short story and I started this blog , which has been incredibly therapeutic  Every time I have written something, I have felt a lot calmer. Except the one entitled "Her." That one hurt.  7.) G...

I have a theory that Miley Cyrus is copying Robyn. Today, I am sharing evidence of this.  I am not the first person to have this thought obviously. 1.) The hair. I hate to admit to this, but Miley had lovely hair before 2012. She had nice, all-American locks. The kind that did her well in a Nicholas Sparks movie. Now? Meanwhile, we have Robyn: 2.) Snoop Dogg (Lion?) 3.) Being Weird and I think Miley probably admires Robyn's transition to an adult star and hopes to emulate it, but Robyn is a queen. Miley seems to be having...some weird growing pains. Billy Ray, what did you do!

I have times where I can't sleep, just like every  other human.  I don't have that kind of ugly ass alarm clock. I do my celebrity gossip reading then. This week was particularly bad for me sleep-wise. So I decided to familarize myself with the Liam and Miley schism because that seemed important. Don't ask me how this happened. I don't have answers. I'm not even straight and this strikes me as wrong.  This young couple- full of brains, beauty and arguably talent -has hit the skids lately. Allegedly. This isn't the first time for these two. Aren't the best relationships built on tumult? I'm looking at YOU, Michelle Obama. Huh? That being said, I think we all know Miley Cyrus has gone INSANE in the past few years. I judge that based off her faux-Robyn haircut (bitch ain't no Robyn !) And she recently quoted Jeff Buckley on Twitter, which I found troubling. Now sources- I don't know who the fuck "sources" are- are s...

It has been forever since I have posted on Miley Cyrus, and I thought this year was already ridic for trends when my girl, Maria Sharapova cropped off all her hair. (It grew back. There is a God). Maria Sharapova: As Seen on The UC Now Miley is sporting a new hair cut…worst understatement ever. Miley has now gone…well, for a Maria Sharapova. Before you gasp and gawk, I don’t blame her at all. Earlier Last Week I don’t blame her because I wanted hair just like this for years. It is new and different, and also shocking, but let someone be blonde for once. I will say this cut is not fitting her like a glove (worst possible simile for the moment). It is not a bad look, but it doesn’t suit her as well as it could. I love blonde, but I imagine this is a very very temporary format (ha, tech joke)   Questions for You: 1. If you could dye your hair any color, which would you pick? 2. What do you think of Miley’s new cut? 3. Who has more fun Blond...

Hey Dammit, now is a good time to stop eating meat, because there is yet another salmonella outbreak. The CDC and FDA are conducting a probe of an outbreak of salmonella that made 100 people ill in 19 states. Though the source has not been officially identified yet, the top suspects are sushi and contact with baby turtles. Look: It's Miley in "The Last Song." I don't care what none y'all says, I am going to stand by my baby turtles. QATFYG: Why are outbreaks always of dangerous or deadly things? Why can't we have an outbreak of pheromones? So we can all suddenly become more attractive and our hook up rates could skyrocket. Why are things always so tragic? :p I want my baby turtles dammit.

Miley Cyrus has decided to Tweet her manicure, and look at that rock she is wearing.Is someone trying to make a subtle revelation?Is this how Miley is telling the public she's engaged? Or is this a hoax? QATFYG: Are these really Miley's Hands? I hope not, or else she needs to moisturize more. Let's all pray her hands don't dry and look all veined up like Megan Fox. This is me. I think for once, My Skin Tone kicks Miley's ass.

This might not be new, but neither is most of the cheese you eat (fact). I was rather surprised when I learned Miley Cyrus was wearing the RayBan 3428 Nontraditional Aviators. At first look they appear bulky, and they don't hesitate to show off the thick black layers of plastic. The bar on the top serves no purpose in terms of how the glasses function. However, other brands such as Prada and Ralph are pushing that as a trend as well. To be 100% honest, I think she looks better in the glasses than I would have imagined. It's surprising because (not to reiterate but) the glasses are just so damn bulky. Although, I heard from someone that this is a new quick-to-catch-on trend in Europe. Is this really true? Anyway, Miley's sunglasses might seem bizarre, but she looks better in them than this asshole. Seriously Better! QATFYG: Europeans...is this a new trend in your country in Europe? NonEuropeans...what are your favorite designs of sunglasses?

Hey Girl, Guess what? It was just Miley's Birthday (Nov. 23rd), and I got to join up with all the little girls of Alaska and introduce them to acid, and we had a giant pizza party. Miley Cyrus now turns 19, and is in her last year of teenage bliss. Whatever will she do afterwards? Maybe, she'll record a song such as "Not a girl, not yet a woman" like Britney Spears. It's really interesting how this holiday takes me all over the globe. Two years ago, I was in Canada where we celebrated with some of Miley's favorite "Chinese Food" and "Cake Batter from Coldstone Creamery." Last year, I had chance to celebrate Miley's birthday in North Africa where we slaughtered a lamb for her. It happened to coincide with another holiday, so it was the best we could do. This year, I am in Alaska for Miley's Birthday, and yes, you can buy Alaskan Pizzas with Reindeer Sausage, and as zooilogically sexy as that sounds, I know Miley would be offended be...

Disclaimer: As promised, this Wednesday begins a new weekly column, which may or not be like what follows. Consider this the pilot, and snail mail is expensive, so these have to be sent out via Twitter. Dear Dearest Miley Cyrus, Hey, Oh Gosh, it’s so hard for me to begin because for years, I never found you sexually attractive. I guess, it isn’t my fault since the first time I saw you was at age 13. However, now that you’re legal in all 50 states, including Alaska and Puerto Rico, I see little reason why we could not get together sometime. AND NO, I am not looking for anything serious. After all, benefits are the most beneficial part of life. I hope you know that I am a huge fan. I hope you don’t think I’m fat..because I’m not. I meant huge as I have a well-hung attitude toward supporting you in any direction or position you should choose. More importantly, when those dudes photoshop’d your face on CGI images of you naked, I strongly protested (silently). Please note, that I stumbled ...

The world in our Facebook group has heard about this, but in case you are not a member,a new web segment called "The Useless Critic Online Radio" has been launched on Youtube. QATFYG: Is it high quality? No. It was made by me, but it is better than some of that crap I used to make. (I posted a video of when I was eating lamb brains in honor of Miley Cyrus) . Sometimes I hate myself.

Miley Cyrus MMG 1100 Glendon Avenue Suite 1100 Los Angeles, CA 90024 USA Yes, it is true. I now live on Miley Drive. The world’s most dedicated Miley Cyrus lowlife (That’s Me) is now by chance living on Miley Drive in Anchorage Alaska. I will respond to this by saying. I used to have two fish in a bowl. One was named Tang, and I forget the name of the other one. But Tang died during the first night. It was at that time I knew that I could not be like Tang. There might not be a tattoo of a dream catcher on my ribcage, but I learned that life is about Destiny and Hope, and you have to somehow keep all the negativity associated with our solar system out of your gravitational field. Yet, you have to find a way to do this without trapping yourself in the bowl like Tang and not surviving your very first night as a stranger in a bizarre messed up land. Now that I’ve left the first footsteps on this warm and soon-to-be-cold ground, I am forced to wonder if I’m walking toward something on the “...

- Miley Cyrus is hosting Saturday Night Live with the Strokes. This both hot on the heels of the Strokes' comeback-thing and Billy Ray basically saying "my daughter is two BOOMS I'M WINNING away from becoming LiLo." I have a theory about Miley: now that she is legal she is appearing with everyone she wants to sleep with. yes/no - The Strokes new stuff: AWESOME . I'm excited! - when do you think the Charlie Sheen jokes are going to get old? my guess: tomorrow. - because the Chuck Norris jokes haven't been funny since high school. - Anoraak released "Crazy Eyes" officially as a single yesterday. have you not been listening to Anoraak? I am ashamed, this boy is crazy talented: - does anyone know anything about the new Fiona Apple album? she never responds to my tweets. I was going to send her record label a watermelon to reenact "Save Fiona Apple Day" ... but my psyche got the best of me. - every single movie coming out in the near future l...

I know I've posted this like everywhere, but SERIOUSLY WATCH IT it's her SNL audition video. this girl needs on stat! Kristen Stewart!!!!! seriously, who do I have to blow to make this happen? WATCH IT

So first of all it will be hard to top the post that Britt did yesterday. Tomorrow (The 23rd of November) is Miley Cyrus' Birthday, and she will be turning 18. This is one of my favorite Holidays. But in Algeria, since the celebration of El Aid Kabir is so close together, we combined our celebrations. A typical celebration of Miley's Birthday includes eating lots of Chinese Food and getting loaded on Cake Batter Ice Cream from Coldstone Creamery. This one is a little different. I had a really great video to show the world, but the computers here are not compatible for it. So here is this low quality video of an Algerian celebration of Miley's Birthday where we eat lamb's eyes. This is my early Birthday present to Miley. Lambs eyes taste fine. They are not something I would eat on a regular basis, but they are not horrible at all. QATFYG: How will you celebrate Miley's Birthday.

So I absolutely could not decide who to give the s/s to this week, so again it is a tie....but in a more bizarre fashion. First up, I just watched "The Lovely Bones," after like 9 months of putting it off, and Stanley Tucci was amazing in that movie. He totally nailed the role of soft outside, evil to the core. He was just so good. I am glad he was at least rewarded with a Golden Globe nom for it. Stanley Tucci has just done so many great things, especially playing the Monk obsessed actor in well "Monk." Next up, Tammin Sursok. This singer/songwriter gal was born in South Africa, moved to Australia, and now lives in USA, or at least works here. It gave her an interesting accent that fades in and out sometimes. She has done "The Young and the Restless," "Pretty Little Liars," and of course "Hannah Montana." Last Monday, I had my first Tammin Sursok party at my place, and it was beyond awesome. Try it sometime. Here is what her accent sou...

Ah. Okay. So apparently Saturday Night Live 's Fred Armisen is now dating his fellow SNL co-star Abby Elliott . Abby is 23 and the daughter of SNL alum Chris Elliott. Fred is 43 and...is still technically married to Mad Men 's Elisabeth Moss . Wat. Fred and Elisabeth met on the set of SNL when Moss' Mad Men co-star Jon Hamm first hosted in October of 2008. They got engaged two months later and married last October. News reports say Armisen and Moss first split up in May, although the news of them breaking out hit recently just as the news of him dating Elliott came about. I specifically remember watching pre-show of the Golden Globes back in January and a host asking Elisabeth Moss why she became engaged and married so soon after meeting Fred, and her response, cheeks blushing, smile a-glow, was "Sometimes, you just know, you know?" I wonder what she knew? Because here's something my lovely friend Hannah and I knew back in June. We knew of Fred and Abby befo...