The Useless Critic 2.0

Max tells Caroline she's going to the bathroom to look in the mirror and make sure she's still "dead in the eyes," leaving Caroline in charge of Max's section. Just a few seconds in, a customer starts choking. "What do you do when a girl is choking?!" Caroline asks, panicking (as expected from her). "I just back up a few inches," Oleg replies from the kitchen. Oh, God. Luckily, Max comes out of the bathroom right on time and gives her the Heimlich maneuver. "Feel free to tip me what you think your life's worth," Max tells the woman. "I feel 3 bucks coming my way," Max jokes to Caroline as they walk away. Han is very upset that Caroline is late again. "She better not use your new cupcake shop as an excuse this time, 'cause sista, that crap ain't gonna fly," he says. "First of all, stop talking like you're in a Tyler Perry movie. And secondly, Caroline's here, she's in the kitchen,...

 So I haven't written a post in The Useless Critic in a long time. I'm sure none of you have noticed, but I come here today especially to talk about The Queen, the one and only Fiona Apple, as her fourth album - and first in exactly seven years - entitled The Idler Wheel Is Wiser than the Driver of the Screw and Whipping Cords Will Serve You More than Ropes Will Ever Do - comes out today (at least in the US)! While there will be and has been a myriad of articles and reviews about Fiona's new album, I feel it's slightly unnecessary - at least on my part - to review her album, other than to say it's amazing, completely reliable, and the song "Hot Knife" is going to be a song Fiona fans will find playing randomly in their heads while watching a butcher slowly stomp his knife down on a large piece of ham while waiting in line at the Honeybaked Ham store (what?). Fiona Apple McAfee Maggart has been a role model for myself and millions of...