The Useless Critic 2.0

Forget what you know about movies, and forget what you know about movie reviews. This one from Mike Judge has nothing in the book of conventions. I had the chance to watch "Extract" in French, but I don't speak any French, so recently, I finally saw it in English. When it comes to the filmmaking of Mike Judge, of course I was a fan of "Office Space," "King of the Hill," "Beavis and Butthead," and even "Idiocracy." So I greatly awaited what this film had to offer. The premise is Jason Bateman is trying to fuck Mila Kunis :P So far off to a good start. However, Jason Bateman is sadly married to a coupon designer named Kristen Wiig. (Forget character names). A Wife is a Horrible Cockblock  The plot thickens like brownie batter as Jason Bateman takes advice from hairy Ben Affleck and plans to have Kristen Wiig sleep with Ethan from 90210, otherwise known as the sweatshirt wearing bonehead in the photo above, Dustin Milliga...

Hello and BonFuckingJour Wednesday! So my system has been destroyed last night because there was a sale on donuts, so there is more sugar in my blood than blood itself. That’s kind of weird come to think. The surprise s/s champion of sensationalistic stardom is none other than Sarah Brightman. She’s conquered many dimensions of the acting world, but for me the number one role that surpasses the others is her performance as “Christine Daae” in “The Phantom of the Opera.” She performed alongside the great Michael Crawford and even with one of my personal heroes, Davis Gaines. But I have selected this clip, and now youtube sensation, of her singing alongside Mr. Antonio Banderas. Sarah has conquered many more elements of the performing arts. Watch in this video as she takes a folky song and uses it to make “Simon and Garfunkel” look like raw pussies by comparison. Now watch her just shine in this… You know for years I rejected Sarah Brightman’s work because she had t...

Last night, while you were in the gay boat that kept blasting rave music across the East River (a quiet and peaceful and beautiful night and BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM), an asteroid nearly nicked the dear old Erf. Actually I don't think that was the right time; I think it was somewhere within this morning, while I was falling and out of sleep .  Apparently this asteroid was a weakling that would have only caused some massive fireball. BIG WHOOP, DIDN'T THAT HAPPEN IN THE 1900S IN SIBERIA ANYWAY.  question:  if an asteroid were to hit the Erf in the near future, would you hope it would hit a Real Housewife or Michelle Bachmann? think fast!

Oh yes, for the first time the spotlight/shoutout goes to a person that does not actually exist. …………………..For some people. For others Jason Bourne is everywhere, and yet he is still nowhere. Magnificent is it not? And Jason Bourne earns this week’s s/s of honor because it is official; there will be another Bourne movie, turning the series into a quadrilogy. It is scheduled to come out in 2011, and the Bourne series is some of actor Matt Damon’s best work. I wonder if it’s possible to do a Matt Damon post without mentioning “Good Will Hunting?” TOO LATE. Back to Bourne, Jason Bourne first came onto the scene in the 1980 in the novels by Robert Ludlum. RL wrote the original three novels. (Bourne Identity, Bourne Supremacy, and Bourne Ultimatum) and then the character has been carried on in novels by Eric Van Lustbader!! Now that is a solid name. The Jason Bourne novels are completely different than the movies, and I’m not just talking about a few details. Really, the only major similarit...

Hola mis guapos amigos! This week goes back a few decades, and the spotlight shoutout goes to Lon Chaney. Recently, my interest in silent films has been revived, and when I look to the speechless masterwork of the 20’s I think of Lon C. He did some of the best work on screen, as well as for the makeup department. Lon has starred in great roles like “The Phantom of the Opera,” “Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde,” and the “Hunchback of Notre Dame.” Literally this guy has done so much with his career it would take pages to list. I will say his work as the Phantom has been my favorite. His makeup job makes Gerard Butler look like a mouse. My other interests in silent films have been expanded over the past two weeks because in my US history class we’re covering the works of Clara Bow. Finally, a decent assignment. Now this is a woman. I would ask her out if she wasn’t dead. Also on the note of silents, check out “Judex” from 1923 I think? It is about a masked hero fighting crime, a character way ahea...

I was talking with Brittany about this a few minutes ago, and it’s become my major project/obsession of the night. I’ve been reading all these posts online about people claiming that The Phantom of the Opera is a true story. And of course we’re talking about the novel by Gaston Leroux that inspired the 1925 silent film and the still running Broadway musical of the same name. I find that the more I read about this the creepier it gets, and sometimes creepy is a good thing. For Synopsis of the Phantom story we have Wikipedia. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Phantom_of_the_Opera Here are some great opinions on the subject, http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?t=15118 http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20080107082543AAGV6wz http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20090104030630AA2u8aJ And feel free to add or suggest any sources of your own. As for me at first thought and glance I would have said that the story is completely fiction, and there is no way it c...