The Useless Critic 2.0

They were the golden couple; they ARE Bella and Edward, after all. They are our Jackie and John, Marilyn and Joe DiMaggio, Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky. But then. Then. THEN. #8 is BREAKING NEWS, everybody. This is a big deal. And I know and recognize the fact it is a big deal because it is ALWAYS in my headlines!!!!! KRISTEN CHEATS ON ROBERT I know. I was screaming at God too when this happened. Like "Why, God, why? WHY?!?!" So rumor has it that while she was filming Snow White, Miss Face of a 1000 Emotions started sleeping with the director, Rubert Sanders, who HIMSELF IS MARRIED WITH KIDS. !!!! Oh Kristen. Girl. This has even pissed off Charlize Theron. You do not want to piss off Charlize!  Kristen went so far as to issue an apology letter- blah blah blah I'M SO SORRY blah blah blah queef- but really, even if she did seriously cheat on Rob with this Rubert fellow (someone likes their Brits, hai hai) does she NEED to apologize to ...

This is one of my favorite books of all time, so I'm torn. Very torn. the one kid does look like Kerouac, though!

It was surprising that Lykke managed to pull together such a beautiful song for such a crap film. So tell me when you hear my heart stop,  You’re the only who knows  Tell me when you hear my silence There’s a possibility  I wouldn’t know  I just saw Breaking Dawn , which is why I chose this song. And also it's simply one of my favorites by her, because it's very heartfelt, very bleak and very honest. Anyway though, can I tell you how SURPRISINGLY DECENT that film is? like ohmygod IT TAKES THAT SERIES FOREVER to get anywhere but they finally got somewhere! also I didn't see Eclipse , is that wrong? whatever I stopped following Harry Potter ages ago too.  the last Twilight film I saw was New Moon , which this song was showcased in it. And if I remember correctly, there's this great scene where Kristin Stewart has a major breakdown to this song. which is kind of where I am right now, so it speaks to me. she just sits in front of a window, sobs, listens t...

Miercoles es Grande! Whatever that means. I don’t speak any Spanish, but it is Wednesday, and in the late hours of the Twilight , I am sending out my Spotlight. Hey Kristen Stewart…tickle this pickle! Jerry Gergich is the man, and this is all his. It has been a long time since I have written a spotlight like this, where it goes to a character that doesn’t actually exist. See Spotlight/Shoutout: Jason Bourne. Jerry Gergich is the boss, and the world is his applesauce. He is portrayed by Jim O’Heir on the show “Parks and Recreation.” Jerry is the forgotten heart of the show. He doesn’t even get a credit in the theme song. Jerry is a fantastically-skilled painter, even though he has the tendency to turn small Indian men into fat babies, but even Jesus had his foibles. People always try to put Jerry down, but really, he is a warm-hearted individual. Sometimes he uses words like “murinal,” but that is no reason to make him feel any lower. Jerry is my man, and I know that if he were to exist...

while you were protesting for your freedom...... 1.) acclaimed band 3OH3!, the next Beatles and/or Led Zeppelin, are coming to Erie at Penn State Behrend on April 13 th . tickets are like 20 - 25 dollars, which is so acceptable for a band that duets with Ke $ha and writes lyrics like Bob Dylan. 2.) I am back from Detroit. I feel like two days of my life are now gone? hmmhaw . no word on the Seattle job yet, even though I believe the interview went well. I am also weighing my options for Pittsburgh, Sweden and New York. eh, stay tuned to see where I end up. I have promising prospects in all. 3.) highlight of Seattle: at a pot luck, talking to the girl I was staying with, somewhat drunk on much better beer than I'm used to, OH MY GOD, THAT FIONA APPLE? I guess drunken encounters are 10x better when you are ranting about your favorite singer. 4.) Interpol is a surprisingly strong band to see live. despite the exit of Carlos D, they played the longest show I have yet to have gone to....

I know I've posted this like everywhere, but SERIOUSLY WATCH IT it's her SNL audition video. this girl needs on stat! Kristen Stewart!!!!! seriously, who do I have to blow to make this happen? WATCH IT

So I just got done watching the ABC Family premiere of "Wild Child," starring Emma Roberts. I watched this film to connect with my Wild Side, by being socially deviant once again and watching a movie that was not made for 22 year old males. I feel so rebellious. If you remember back when I reviewed LymeLife, I made the Bold and Daring move to say that "Emma Roberts is a Prick." And once again, Emma Roberts is playing a girl that is a notorious PRick, capital PR. I had some review notes written, but I scratched them. The first 38 minutes of this movie are so incredibly bad that words do not describe it because there is nothing to say. Emma Roberts plays a party girl from the USA, who gets shipped off to English boarding school, and we don't get to see anything interesting from the back story. After an hour,I found I was kind of interested, but not really. So, this is a bad film that gets mildly better, but still bad in the end. Basically: If you need a Prick, get...

For starters Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin were great hosts. I really liked their chemistry and humor, but I wondered how they would get through without a musical number.....then there is Neil Patrick Harris to save the day. So like I said, Miley and Taylor were out of line....and I really did not like how when Miley was up on stage with Amanda Seyfried and she says "We're nervous, it's our first time up here." OH come on, like you've never presented an award before, and you've also been to the Oscars.....Not to mention Amanda S. presented the special last year with R Patz about Romance movies. More Recap, Monique won as predicted. Christoph Waltz won as predicted. Jeff Bridges won as predicted. Sandra Bullock won as predicted. All of which were Great and Followed with Great Speeches. I love how Sandra said in the Baps interview that if Meryl Streep won, she's gonna "kick her ass." Also Christoph Waltz was so good. He was unbelievably good in ...

AHHHHHH it wasn't as awful as the first? not to say it was great, but like, if you reduce your ... expectations and take in the fact that the young cast seems to have taken (some, Kristen Stewart, seriously, EMOTE) acting lessons in the past few months. but overall- the story itself is way too dry to do much with. and you know they're rushing these all out. meh. I enjoyed it. especially when the Grizzly Bear song played. Lykke Li and Thom Yorke also got nice parts. Taylor Lautner's six-pack (ten-pack? twelve-pack?) revealing drew hormonal gasps from the audience and one "IS THAT IT?" from some girl. Robert Pattinson...he just looks bad to me. But I'm going to dedicate this post to Ashley Green, who plays Alice, easily the only character on there that could keep my interest. AND HERE IS A NUGGET OF GOOD NEWS: Greene will be reuniting with her Twilight co-star Kellan Lutz in the upcoming movie Warrior[10] and will also be starring in an upcoming thriller film, S...

GO TO YOUR LOCAL MOVIE THEATER AND MOB!!!! (in America) question: Robert (VAMPYRE) or Taylor (LYCAN)? WHO WOULD YOU BE CELIBATE WITH? Robert is looking increasingly corpse like in press photos. Taylor on the other hand- damn! I'm going to buck from the norm and say whoever plays Alice. she's got to have a name I just don't know it!

Yo! So it’s feels like forever since I posted on the Before She Was Bella series, but tonight the drought ends and the Kristen Stewart insight shall monsoon down upon us all. The Kristen Stewart moment of the moment is her film “Speak,” based on the novel of the same name. I read about 50 pages of the novel on a family trip, and already I could guess the mystery of the premise. Even from watching the first 10 minutes of the flick, you can figure out everything. This film was very predictable, but it does have its strong moments. Kristen plays the depressed teenager, Melinda Sordino who calls the police during a summer party, and aggravates her fellow classmates before her first year of high school. And you learn the hidden parts of the story as the film goes onward, but it’s fairly easy to guess. I was surprised that it actually had some good art direction and cinematography, which were things I did not expect to see. So props to those guys and gals. During the film I actually laughed ...