The Useless Critic 2.0

Song of the Day I'm late to this one, but damn! Some happy hipster music to get this week going. I've challenged myself to update this everyday this week. We'll see what transpires!

It has come to my confused attention that TRAIN seems to be making its way through the spring festival circuit. QUE ES?  did I miss something...?  I don't think this is morally right and I am not sure how most people can sleep at night, knowing this. I mean- "Drops of Rain. "Hey Soul Sister." Are you kidding me?  Train reminds me of unhip middle aged people listening to NPR in between takes on their favorite local adult contemporary station. "Celine Dion!" "Sarah McLachlan!" "Air Supply!" And they hear this song in their car, on their way from pottery class or dinner at Applebee's, and start tapping their toes and abusing their steering wheels and all kinds of weird middle-aged people stuffs. You dig me? (I say this as an unhip young person). I HAVE SEEN PAT MONAHAN IN PERSON. He came to my high school, because we have had the fortune of growing up in the same hamlet by the sea (Erie), the same high school (McDowell) a...

 I'm writing this post at 2:05am, fresh from coming home after a night of shopping at Amoeba - the largest independent record store in the world - and buying Elliott Smith's first album; watching the critically acclaimed independent film Pariah in theatres; and eating at famous Jewish-owned delicatessen in Los Angeles, spotting and recognizing the famous DJ Rodney Bingenheimer dine in the same establishment. I'm wearing a turquoise cardigan, and a floral dress over blue pants. Although none of it is thrifted - it's still pretty out there. My friend and I are complaining about how there's no upcoming concerts for us to go to because there just isn't (and the Portlandia and Wilco shows are sold out! DARN!), while eating our vegetarian-friendly meals at 11 at night. We continue to talk about Portlandia, along with planning our visit to a Banksy-inspired art exhibit the next day - on our way home. Am I a fucking hipster? I suddenly came to this startling rev...

It's a weird coincidence that I happened to finish reading this book on the bus about the same time Zooey Week keeps on goin' at the Useless Critic. I just wanted to be like every other pretentious New Yorker out in public and be caught reading this book. Did you know Zooey was named for the most obnoxious character in said book?  WTF were you guys thinking, Mr. and Mrs. Deschanel! You should have named her "Franny." Of these two spoiled rich kids, Franny is the far more likable. Sure she's got her issues, but she's not a douche. Just saying. Are you not like the average hipster person and have you NOT read Franny and Zooey by the late, great Mr. Salinger? Ooh girl/boy, you really missing out. Not really. It's been a while since I wanted to slap all the characters in a novel, even the twats from Freedom  were redeemed by the end! Other meaningless, fittingly useless observations:   I much preferred Franny  to Zooey . Seriously, I wish his mom ...

And so the week rolls on. I know this will be mainly Al and me, but I don't really care.  Here's a picture of Katy Perry: think fast! if you just glossed mindlessly over that pic, would you think- hmm, Zooey? SEE: I CHALLENGE YOU TO SCROLL UP AND DOWN 500 TIMES IN A ROW. IT'S LIKE AN OPTICAL ILLUSION.  that being said, people have long asked- or since either of these two were present in mainstream's consciousness- WHO CAME FIRST? Chicken, or egg? Battleship or Monopoly? Do not Wikipedia the last question! I don't want to know! A lot of people have accused them of having the same style. Eh. A lot of hipsters have it- trust me, I see it everyday.  here's two more pics of the girls for you to see: (EYE CANDY, AM I RIGHT?)  PENSIVE ZOOEY:  "where is M. Ward and his guitar when I need them?" as opposed to SULTRY KATY:  "Robyn! LET'S GO TO CRACKER BARREL!" fact:  Katy Perry LOVES Cracker Barrel but be hones...

Hipster question number one: Do you know what today is? It's the opening of Pumpkin Spice Latte season at Starbucks! I wait all year for this day. Bring on the sweaters and scarves. Side note: I got a wool cup sleeve. It's actually better than those cardboard ones. Hipster question number two: Do you know what Saturday was? It was the opening of the Apple store in the Ross Park Mall. The grand opening shirts were sub-par. However, the architecture isn't bad. I'm dreaming that this store will be less busy than the Shadyside store. (I'm bound to be wrong.) Hipster question number three: What are your hipster vices?

Matthew and I traveled several hours out of the way to see JOANNA NEWSOM in the FLESH in Columbus yesterday. We didn't get back til 5 this morning. damn! :( (I'm still quite tired from this) Columbus is a big, clean, boring city, from what I could deduce, in the few hours I spent in their downtown. Not a lot to write home about, but certainly no Cleveland. We snuck around the hotel next to the theater trying to catch a glimpse of the goddess in the flesh. The goddess that has the deluded notion that Andy Samberg is her life partner or something (seriously! Bill Callahan, why DID you let her go!). No signs of her but we did get to see a few members of her eclectic little band in the lobby. and oh my god! SO MANY HIPSTERS! it was like an American Apparel exploded on us or something. Robin Pecknold of Fleet Foxes fame was the opener. He wasn't bad at all- that guy can sing! It was all solo stuff though. I wasn't familiar. And then, after a HUUUUUUUUGE break (I started to f...

AHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHHHAHHAHAHAHAHAH done are the days when I think American Apparel is just THAT much cooler than poor sods like me. done! scrunchies? no. I mean. just no. in other news- I cannot fathom that I saw this kid live in March. rly? http://www.myspace.com/nevershoutnever apparently he's all the rage among today's teenagers. oh good god, I last.fm'd him and I got all these weird shitty bands I've never heard of before. maybe I am OLD? Fall Out Boy and Panic(!) at the Disco in my day. but it's somewhat perturbing. I feel disconnected from today's youth. hmm. I hope their taste in music does improve, but this guy was nice, for the record. just didn't leave much of an impression on me. like Death Cab when I saw them live. Ben Gibbard was sweet. oh god, Judy Lynch is doing an ad for Barry Grossman right now. excuse me while I go make out with my TV. - Brittany