The Useless Critic 2.0

Oh, hey. Did you think I got bored of this? Well I did not. Life happens and I'm easily tired/bored/lazyyyyyy. So, we're halfway there. Hold my hand. Halfway there. #6 on the Pop Culture Countdown of Moments That Were/Are of No Significance To You- Charlie Sheen's Apocalyptic Meltdown Oh hell yes. Charlie. Charlie Sheen. What. How? How could I not? I was obsessed with this when it all went down; true story. I guess that's a little embarrassing and maybe shameful in retrospect but how could you not love watching this man go insane? Still to this day, I'm not sure the cultural relevance of what went down. He had the world and he just snapped. Bret Easton Ellis called it a reaction to American culture- I could see that- but Bret also is writing  the screenplay for  Fifty Shades of Gray so it is what it is. It was just so great to witness all the prostitutes and drugs go to Charlie's head. And he stood up to his awful television show and guess ...

It is a simple question. Which Emilio Estevez Role is the Best? Does he look Hispanic to you? Maybe it's just me that doesn't see it. And here you go. The Way (2010) Daniel 2008 Two and a Half Men (TV series) Andy – The Devil's Lube (2008) … Andy 2006 Arthur and the Invisibles Ferryman (voice: English version) 2006 Bobby Tim 2005 The L.A. Riot Spectacular Officer Powell 2003 The 3 Wise Men Jimmy (uncredited) 2003 The West Wing (TV series) Young Jed Bartlet – Twenty Five (2003) … Young Jed Bartlet (uncredited) 1997 The Wonderful World of Disney (TV series) Gordon Bombay – D3: The Mighty Ducks … Gordon Bombay 1996 D3: The Mighty Ducks Gordon Bombay 1996 The War at Home Jeremy Collier 1996 Mission: Impossible Jack Harmon (uncredited) 1994 Saturday Night Live (TV series) Host – Emilio Estevez/Pearl Jam (1994) … Host 1994 D2: The Mighty Ducks Coach Gordon Bombay 1993 Judgment Night Frank Wyatt 1993 Another Stakeout Bill Reimers 1993 Loaded Weapon 1 Jack Colt 1992...

An interview with a person that I know. Jessica is seriously one of the most interesting people I have ever met. She is someone I'd like to keep in my freezer for the rest of my life. She's witty, intelligent, beautiful, and hilarious. One day she will be more famous than me, Chuck Palahniuk, or anyone this side of Bristol  Palin's new face. OBSERVE:  1.) TELL US ABOUT YOURSELF, JESSICA.  I'm fly like an F-14. I live a dual life as Katy Perry. I write the songs that make the whole world sing. Oscar Wilde is my dead gay lover. I am currently hatching a plan to kidnap Hugh Laurie. I really enjoy Heineken and good conversation. I would love to travel, but not in an annoying, sanctimonious bitchy way like Elizabeth Gilbert. I'm actually pretty good at baking yummy things. Among my prized possessions are a dead bat pressed under glass on my mantle, a signed copy of Allen Ginsberg's "Cosmopolitan Greetings," and a half naked picture of Marilyn M...

I swear to God I will stop soon....but I must, oh I must. SO MR. SHEEN is looking for an intern. and who would be better for this than yours truly? WHY: - I am crazy. albeit not Charlie crazy, but I certainly can tell where that boy is coming from! - I know how to use Twitter. can you train an elephant to use social media? they may be able to share, but I THINK NOT. (Commandment #21 in the elephant code, as praised by Dumbo: thou shalt not use trunk to tweet). - I can turn your shit into gold Mr. Sheen! I know you can already do that on your own but seriously I can make your POOP INTO DIAMONDS. - I am all about the Sober Valley Lodge. as long as I can wear some kind of hat, let's get this party started. I feel like destiny is calling me. CHARLIE, CHOOSE ME, CHOOSE ME DAMMIT. edit: totes applied. am doing something so meaningful with life.

- Miley Cyrus is hosting Saturday Night Live with the Strokes. This both hot on the heels of the Strokes' comeback-thing and Billy Ray basically saying "my daughter is two BOOMS I'M WINNING away from becoming LiLo." I have a theory about Miley: now that she is legal she is appearing with everyone she wants to sleep with. yes/no - The Strokes new stuff: AWESOME . I'm excited! - when do you think the Charlie Sheen jokes are going to get old? my guess: tomorrow. - because the Chuck Norris jokes haven't been funny since high school. - Anoraak released "Crazy Eyes" officially as a single yesterday. have you not been listening to Anoraak? I am ashamed, this boy is crazy talented: - does anyone know anything about the new Fiona Apple album? she never responds to my tweets. I was going to send her record label a watermelon to reenact "Save Fiona Apple Day" ... but my psyche got the best of me. - every single movie coming out in the near future l...

"what is this shit, I can't snort it off a stripper's asshole." "THIS CITY OWES ME SIX MILLION DOLLARS." "NINE MILLION." "what is this snow I CAN'T SNORT THIS..." "what do I snort, really? MY OWN DANDRUFF. I'M CHARLIE SHEEN." "Charlie Sheen." "It's okay I have my goddesses to keep me warm." "THIS CITY EXISTS BECAUSE CHUCK LORRE IS UGLY. WITH HIS UGLY WIFE, HIS UGLY CHILDREN, HIS UGLY CAT, HIS UGLY WASHING MACHINE, HIS UGLY HOUSE. do I look HIGH to you? I'M HIGH ON MY OWN ESSENCE." "Sometimes my goddesses floss my teeth." conclusion: this is the best week ever

I decided, because Al and I thought it would be interesting to do all Mila Kunis-things last week, to write about Erie and local things this week. I mean there are some things of interest. strong emphasis on "some." I guess the zoo opened yesterday to 5000 people. I have not been to the zoo since I worked there. I am not sure it's much different. MARJORIE, the mistress of my heart, is being sentenced today for her role in the pizza bombing fiasco. of course she is going to get off easy because she is pretty . also, let's all take dating advice from Charlie Sheen. SERIOUSLY or just general life advice. really.

Good morning, evening, and other times of Wednesday. So this week’s spotlight goes to Big Angus T. Jones from “Two and a Half Men.” Why? Because he is rich. There are many mixed opinions about the show, and I find some things funny. Other things are not so haha, but more haHO. Suck on that Charlie Sheen. Also, Angus gets to star with former Spotlight king Jon Cryer. But all of that is meaningless. It doesn’t matter what you think of Angus T. Jones or his show. He is filthy stinking rich. He is like rolling in money instead of filth rich. This guy makes $250,000.00 an episode for “Two and a Half Men.” For a teen actor, this is a huge accomplishment. The only bigger accomplishment would be if Charlie Sheen stayed out jail and the whorehouse. Eep. QATFYG: What would you have to do to make $250,000?

This would be a more convincing headline if it weren't appropriate in every Sheenario. Observe. Charlie Sheen can never go too far. Photo: People Magazine

John Hughes, that director of all those teen movies we loved in the 80s (you know it!) died the other day while taking a walk in New York City. dead of a heart attack while visiting family. life sucks sometimes. so, there's the retrospective of his whole career to be had: "Sixteen Candles," "The Breakfast Club," "Pretty In Pink," "Say Anything" (!!!!!!!!), etc. basically, this man was the reason Molly Ringwald exists. I got to thinking about it and decided "Ferris Bueller" is probably my favorite. what a classic. so many great scenes. Jennifer Grey as the sister, Matthew Broderick at his best and cockiest (except "Election," which was also awesome, he just looks so creepy and old now) CHARLIE SHEEN IN THE POPO STATION. god, I don't even know. this movie had no effect on me for years. but now, everytime I take a shower, I feel compelled to reenact that scene. true, true. YOUR FAVORITES? (because Al is still in Nova Sco...