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IT'S MERRY CHRISTMAS, KE$HA SEBERT

SCENE: PRINCE'S MANSION

KESHA rises from a bathtub of gin. think of the 1920s.

KESHA: OH MY GOD IS IT CHRISTMAS OR IS IT CHINESE NEW YEARS I DON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE

PRINCE: Get the fuck out of my house.

KESHA: NEVER IT'S JEWISH INDEPENDENCE DAY DON'T FORGET THE REASON FOR THE SEASON.

PRINCE: OUT!

We next see Kesha in the desert, surrounded by camels and oil tanks.

KESHA: WOT DA FUCKKKKKK

a brief flash back to Prince's mansion:

PRINCE is staring wistfully out the front door. Despite global warming, no snow is falling.

PRINCE: And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger. And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying, Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace and goodwill towards men.

female voice: PRINCE WHERE DID YOU GO? I THINK MY DIAPHRAGM JUST SNAPPED.

*flash to his very diverse harem*

PRINCE: COMING LAYDEEZ

double entendre!

back to Kesha

KESHA: WHAT AM I GONNA DO IT'S EASTER AND I'M ALL ALONE AND I DON'T HAVE A PLACE TO STAY AND I THINK I'M PREGNANT? BUT I'M NOT SURE IF YOU CAN GET PREGNANT WHEN IT'S JUST YOUR BUTT BUT MAYBE SEMEN CAN FLOAT THAT FAR I DON'T KNOW I'M NOT A CHEMIST!

Lucky for us, the Santa Fe Holiday Inn is only a sentence away.

INDIAN CLERK: Welcome to Santa Fe! We're all booked. SORRRRY.

KESHA: WOT THIS IS THE HOLIDAY INN IT ISN'T THE FOUR SEASONS AND I THINK I'M PREGNANT BUT MAYBE I JUST ATE TOO MUCH TACO BELL.

INDIAN CLERK: It's those cinnamon curls. *leans in* Carbs! *grasps his mouth*

KESHA: I KNOW RITE

INDIAN CLERK: Why don't you go to a Motel 6? I hear those are nice and sometimes they have HBO.

KESHA: I FUCKING LOVE THE WIRE.

INDIAN CLERK: That Dominic West! Such a hottie.

Back in the desert, we see Mel Gibson drive by on a tank.

MEL GIBSON: DESERT STORM DESERT STORM THE JEWS DID THIS TO ME IT WAS THE JEWSSSSSSS

*trails off*

KESHA: I THINK I'D RATHER DIE THEN GO TO A MOTEL 6 WHERE THE FUCK IS LILY ALLEN WHEN I NEED HER GAHHHHHH.

THE VOICE OF MORGAN FREEMAN: This is God.

KESHA: HUH?

*snorts a raccoon*

RACCOON: Mirirririr.

THE VOICE OF MORGAN FREEMAN: Now why did you do that?

KESHA: I DONO.

THE VOICE OF MORGAN FREEMAN: That's why you're going to purgatory.

KESHA: WHERE IS THAT IS IT IN OHIO

THE VOICE OF MORGAN FREEMAN: I'm sending you an angel.

COURTNEY LOVE LANDS BEFORE KESHA WITH A THUMP.

COURTNEY LOVE stares at Kesha for a moment. Heavy breathing ensues.

KESHA: Tori Amos?

COURTNEY LOVE pushes KESHA.

COURTNEY LOVE: WRITE ABOUT THIS ON YOUR TWITTER!

DEUS EX MACHINA


enjoy your Jewish Independence Day FROM THE USELESS CRITIC



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