OSCARS RECAP (two versions)

WITH RYAN, AND SOMETIMES JEFFREY:

- Ryan Trump I AM HERE
  HOW ARE WE DOING THIS
  about an hour ago · · 1 person
- Brittany Kemp HOWEVER! INCEPTION!
  about an hour ago ·
- Ryan Trump HOW THE FUCK DID HANS ZIMMER LOSE? THE SOCIAL NETWORK'S SCORE SOUNDS LIKE A SAXON SHORE KNOCKOFF.
  about an hour ago · · 1 person
- Ryan Trump CATE BLANCHETT IS MY FAVORITE LIVING ACTRESS!
  about an hour ago · · 1 person
- Brittany Kemp SERIOUSLY, HOW WAS BLACK SWAN NOT NOMINATED FOR SCORE AND CATE IS A GODDESS
  about an hour ago ·
- Ryan Trump EVERYBODY DICK-RIDES THE SOCIAL NETWORK. I DON'T GET IT.
  about an hour ago ·
- Ryan Trump JAMES FRANCO WAS IN DRAG (♫ JUST BE A QUEEN ♫)!
  about an hour ago ·
- Ryan Trump RANDY NEWMAN MAKES ME WANNA KICK A CARP AND PUNCH A SEAL. JUST SAYIN'. I FUCKING HATE HIS ♫HERPY-DERP-SHERP♫ SINGING VOICE!
  about an hour ago · · 2 people
- Brittany Kemp good lyrics, BAD BAD VOICE
  JAMES IS AWESOME although I admit I KIND OF HATE HIM
  about an hour ago ·
- Jeffrey Petit-Bois ALEXANDRE DESPLAT SHOULD OF WON SORRY! HIS SCORE WAS THE SHIZZLE!
  about an hour ago · · 1 person
- Ryan Trump AMY ADAMS ALERT!!
  about an hour ago · · 1 person
- Ryan Trump JEFF, I HAVEN'T SEEN THE KING'S SPEECH, BUT I KNOW THE SCORE IS MUCH BETTER THAN THE SOCIAL NETWORK'S.
  about an hour ago · · 2 people
- Jeffrey Petit-Bois OH AND THAT LITTLE GIRL FROM TRUE GRIT SHE'S GONNA BE SOMETHING, WATCH! SHE CAN ACT BETTER THAN LOADS OF SO CALLED ACTRESSES.
  about an hour ago · · 1 person
- Brittany Kemp OMG SHE'S SO GOOD
  SHE'S A LEGEND
  about an hour ago · · 1 person
- Brittany Kemp AMY IS FLAWLESS, SHE'S LIKE VENUS
  about an hour ago ·
- Jeffrey Petit-Bois YOU GOTTA SEE IT RYAN! SO FREAKIN AWESOME AND MOST OF THE HARRY POTTER CAST ARE IN THE MOVIE SINCE ITS A BRITISH FILM LOL!
  about an hour ago · · 1 person
- Jeffrey Petit-Bois BRIT, SHE REALLY IS! AMAZING GIRL!
  about an hour ago · · 1 person
- Ryan Trump A HARRY POTTER AUTO-TUNED MUSICAL! NICE.
  about an hour ago · · 2 people
- Brittany Kemp he doesn't have a shirt
  about an hour ago ·
- Ryan Trump YEP. WE'LL BE HEARING MORE FROM HAILEE STEINFELD IN THE FUTURE. DEFINITELY. SHE HAS NATALIE PORTMAN POTENTIAL.
  about an hour ago · · 2 people
- Brittany Kemp THE STICK BY WE MEASURE EVERYONE, CAN I POST THIS ON THE USELESS CRITIC LATER
  about an hour ago · · 1 person
- Ryan Trump GOD IS IN THE BUILDING!
  "YOU GET AN ARK! YOU GET AN ARK! YOU GET AN ARK! YOU GET AN ARK! YOU GET AN ARK!"
  about an hour ago · · 1 person
- Jeffrey Petit-Bois I GOTTA ADMIT THO, I LOVE THE SOCIAL NETWORK! THE SCORE SUCKS BUT PRETTY GOOD MOVIE.
  about an hour ago ·
- Jeffrey Petit-Bois omg! AND THESE FOREIGN FILMS LOOKED SO INTERESTING. IM CHECK THEM OUT WHEN I CAN.
  about an hour ago · · 1 person
- Ryan Trump POST, BK—POST! USELESS CRITIC—FOR LIFE!
  about an hour ago ·
- Ryan Trump THAT DENMARK ONE 'IN A BETTER WORLD' LOOKS GREAT. I'LL NETFLIX THAT SHIT.
  about an hour ago · · 1 person
- Ryan Trump WHAT'S A BILLY CRYSTAL?
  about an hour ago · · 1 person
- Ryan Trump I KID. HE WAS GREAT IN NATIONAL LAMPOON'S VACATION.
  about an hour ago ·
- Ryan Trump LOL
  I MEANT 'HARRY AND THE HENDERSONS'.
  about an hour ago · · 1 person
- Ryan Trump WHY ARE WE EULOGIZING COB POPE?
  about an hour ago ·
- Ryan Trump I KID. HIS U.S.O. SHOWS WERE GREAT. HE FUCKING GOLFED.
  about an hour ago ·
- Ryan Trump ROBERT DOWNEY, JR. THAT IS ALL.
  about an hour ago · · 1 person
- Ryan Trump FUCK YEAH! 'INCEPTION' WINS AGAIN!
  about an hour ago ·
- Brittany Kemp omg, Bob Hope SAID JUDE LAW
  ~ psychic ~
  about an hour ago ·
- Ryan Trump BTW, JAMES FRANCO IS LIVE-TWEETING! AMAZING, MUCH?
  about an hour ago ·
- Ryan Trump AN EARLIER POST: Kirk Douglas is so old that he looks animatronic.
  about an hour ago · · 1 person
- Brittany Kemp all the douglases are hot
  o hai michael
  about an hour ago ·
- Brittany Kemp ANNETTE BENING THE AMERICAN PRESIDENT CONNECTION
  about an hour ago ·
- Ryan Trump OH, AND DID JUSTIN MOCK HIM? WHAT A DICK. OH, WELL, HE'LL PROBABLY FUCK MILA, LATER. :/
  about an hour ago · · 1 person
- Brittany Kemp I wish I were that Justin.
  J-HUD! she's a survivor.
  about an hour ago ·
- Ryan Trump ‎"'How to Train Your Dragon'? That's disgusting." – James Franco
  *LOL*
  about an hour ago · · 1 person
- Brittany Kemp RISQUE
  about an hour ago ·
- Ryan Trump this Florence + Machine chick is OK. I'm not jacking-off, or anything.
  about an hour ago · · 1 person
- Brittany Kemp CAN SOMEONE DRIVE A STAKE THROUGH GWYNETH'S HEART
  about an hour ago ·
- Ryan Trump Jennifer Hudson is awesome.
  Gwyneth Paltrow: "This next track is called, 'Apricots, Boredom and Peaches'."
  59 minutes ago · · 1 person
- Ryan Trump Yay!!! Merp-dwerpy-gerp jackfuck just won!
  58 minutes ago ·
- Ryan Trump ♫ Some people don't like ♫ . . .Randy Newman!
  57 minutes ago · · 1 person
- Brittany Kemp good lyrics BAD BAD BAD VOICE
  56 minutes ago ·
- Ryan Trump http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uFmv22ghzQw
  56 minutes ago ·
- Ryan Trump ‎'Smile'? Michael died, again?
  52 minutes ago ·
- Brittany Kemp these always make me sad :(
  seriously, I'm a sap!
  49 minutes ago ·
- Ryan Trump Halle Berry has short hair. *lesbian joke*
  *Brittany swoons*
  48 minutes ago · · 1 person
- Brittany Kemp ‎;)
  47 minutes ago ·
- Ryan Trump ‎#DiedDeadMontage I know. Blake Edwards was fucking awesome! As was Dennis Hopper and Leslie Nielsen!
  46 minutes ago · · 1 person
- Brittany Kemp don't call me shirley
  do you think annie is watching?
  43 minutes ago ·
- Brittany Kemp oh look it's hilary I DIE IN EVERYTHING swank
  43 minutes ago ·
- Ryan Trump And can we please note that James Franco stole Beetlejuice's 1950s tuxedo?
  42 minutes ago ·
- Ryan Trump Annie is always happy. She makes me happy. It's 4AM there. I hope so! ♥♥♥ our Nordic queen!
  41 minutes ago ·
- Ryan Trump this guy looks like an anteater. #justsayin
  41 minutes ago · · 1 person
- Ryan Trump I'm not Australian. Shut up, already!
  40 minutes ago · · 1 person
- Ryan Trump He changed! As did Anne—like, after every damn commercial. That sapphire dress is insanely beautiful!
  38 minutes ago · · 1 person
- Ryan Trump fuck this! give a standing-on-your-chairs ovation!
  37 minutes ago · · 1 person
- Ryan Trump WTF, ANNE? WHY DIDN'T YOU CHANGE?
  33 minutes ago · · 1 person
- Brittany Kemp I'm attracted to her OMG NATS
  33 minutes ago ·
- Ryan Trump Jeff Bridges. Now there's a guy you'd donate your internal organs to.
  32 minutes ago · · 1 person
- Brittany Kemp SAME
  31 minutes ago ·
- Ryan Trump ‎'The Kids Are on Life Support'. *LULZ*
  31 minutes ago ·
- Ryan Trump NATALIE PORTMAN ALERT!!
  30 minutes ago · · 1 person
- Brittany Kemp ‎:) FAPPPP
  29 minutes ago ·
- Ryan Trump OMG! OMG!! OMG!!! I'M FUCKING EXCITED!!!
  29 minutes ago ·
- Ryan Trump YEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!
  28 minutes ago ·
- Ryan Trump AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
  NATALIE!!!!!!
  28 minutes ago · · 1 person
- Brittany Kemp I CRAPPED MYSELF
  26 minutes ago · · 1 person
- Brittany Kemp colinnnnnn
  16 minutes ago ·
- Ryan Trump James' closing thoughts: 'Whatever. I'm gonna go get my dick sucked.'
  
  WITH URSULA
  
  ursula: did you like Mila's dress?
  me: YES
  sorry i'm biased
  9:23 PM what did you think?
  scarjo looks like a towel
  ursula: hahaha WHAT
  i didn't see her
  a TOWEL??
  me: SHE HAS PATCHES EVERYWHERE
  9:25 PM ursula: oh god
  me: james
  nice
  9:26 PM ursikai: wow, helen and russell, that's an odd combination
  me: helen:
  i can't believe i've succumbed to this
  oh ursula, would you be vehemently opposed to me using this as useless critic oscar coverage
  ursula: do it!!!!!
  9:27 PM you and me: official oscar critics
  me: YES
  "i don't read movies"
  oh algeria got a nom
  that's rare
  ursula: what was the catetory? foreign?
  ah
  okay
  9:28 PM me: denmark?
  go bicycle country!
  she sounds english
  9:30 PM oh christian bale
  he's such a douche
  ursula: WOW, BEARD
  me: did anyone even see winter's bone?
  seriously
  ursikai: nope
  me: who you pulling for lady
  9:31 PM ursula: i don't know. i haven't seen any of these
  me: i saw two
  i need to see the king's speech
  ursula: geoffrey rush!!
  oh me too
  i'm dying to see it
  me: we should see it!
  dollar theater?
  9:32 PM oh reese laughed
  sigh
  ursikai: YES PLEASE
  
  ursula: !!
  9:40 PM anne, your hair?
  me: seriously
  oh god, two aussies together
  why couldn't they find a cambodian
  i do like these historical montages
  A+
  ursula: i do too
  do they always do that?
  me: sometimes
  9:41 PM it depends
  this year it's really heavy on it i think
  i mean it's easy to dismiss movies as this meaningless enterprise
  but like
  there's such a good back story
  ursula: oh totally
  THEY REFLECT HUMANITY etc.
  me: TONIGHT THERE WILL BE NO MORNING STAR
  /west side story
  9:42 PM ursula: i vote for dragon's score
  me: inception
  to be honest
  trent reznor, though
  LOCAL BOY
  9:43 PM ursula: ooh
  me: black swan had a really good score
  but it's not up
  YEAH MEADVILLE
  9:44 PM ursula: yay Crawford County!
  me: he's played at edinboro
  9:45 PM EDINBORO CONNECTION HOLLA
  ursula: really!
  me: does trent have an asian wife?
  yeah!!!
  they used to do a bunch of shows at nin
  err, edinboro
  he went to allegheny for a year
  ursula: is that the towel dress?
  me: YES
  9:46 PM what do you think of it
  ursula: it's so ugly!
  me: oh, here's a quote for you
  the recession is exciting!- natalie portman
  she's so pretty and gahhhh who dressed you, helen keller
  ursula: lol
  9:51 PM ursula: costume design awards!
  i am a sucker for that
  me: omg! there were so many good ones this year
  ursula: yes
  9:55 PM me: CATE
  ursula: i love her!
  I DIDN'T KNOW SHE WAS BRITISH
  9:56 PM me: AHHHH
  SHE'
  IS PERFECT!
  i think wolfman btw
  ha!
  ursula: her dress looks like a seashell
  me: yeah
  ursula: but she pulls it off
  me: too mermaidy
  she's perfect
  like, she's beautiful and you can tell
  intelligent
  9:57 PM i maen sh\
  i mean she
  sorry
  pulled off bob dylan!
  ursula: i know!!!!!
  i need to see that too
  me: ME TOO
  9:58 PM i am love!
  patricia clarkson
  i want to be her when i'm 50
  ursula: i didn't see it!
  9:59 PM me: me neither! i was supposed to see it at mercyhurst
  10:00 PM ursula: shut up colleen
  10:01 PM me: seriously
  i have to say falling slowly
  once is a good movie
  although i do like titanic for some reason, a lot
  10:02 PM ursula: obama?!
  i admit i love time of my life
  me: kevin spacey, sigh
  i will always kind of love him
  10:03 PM the black eyed peas KILLED that song
  ursula: this is the craziest oscars i have ever seen
  me: the BEST oscars
  i have been watching since elementary school
  10:04 PM when i became obsessed with celebrities because my peers were boring
  truth
  ursula: oh god
  i understand!!
  10:05 PM me: ewww @ this music
  10:06 PM ursula: i know
  10:07 PM mandy moore?
  are you still relevant?
  i feel so snarky tonight, i'm sorry
  me: HAHAHAHAHA
  it's okay
  she isn't
  she's married to ryan adams
  10:08 PM that's about the last i heard of her
  ursikai: yeah, i haven't heard about her in years
  
  ursula: aww, i missed that part
  10:41 PM now that is a dress i love
  poor men
  they get nothing to wear but tuxes
  10:42 PM me: omg, florence?
  wtf
  i know right
  and you have to be a good man to pull one off
  otherwise you look award
  ursula: i know!
  10:43 PM me: akward
  awkward
  well i can type
  florence?
  j. hudson looks good
  ursula: she really does
  10:44 PM me: she's gone through a lotttt
  ursula: UH OH YOUR FAVORITE LADY
  me: GOD
  SHE'S SINGING TOO
  WOW LET ME FAN MYSELF
  ursula: gwyneth paltrow + country = ??
  10:45 PM me: RIGHT
  10:47 PM okay i like randy newman
  but his voice
  ugh
  ursula: i know!
  10:48 PM like he has a perpetual cold
  me: seriously
  blow your damn nose
  ursula: hahahah
  very sweet guy, though
  7 minutes
  10:55 PM me: i always get so depressed during the obits
  we all die!
  but celine? wtf
  10:56 PM ursula: aaahhhh i know
  me: lol halle berry
  ursula: has she been in a movie anytime recent?
  i feel like not
  me: NOPE
  10:57 PM her mom has a home in erie
  ursula: random?
  
  me: i want him to get it, but david fincher will
  YESSS
  WHOA
  5 minutes
  11:08 PM ursikai: what did those guys do?
  who are they?
  me: i have no idea
  NATALIE PORTMAN IS COMING UP
  ursula: !!!!!!
  does she have a bump yet?
  i want to see a bump
  11:09 PM me: awww
  i love that she met him on the set of the movie
  he's really good-looking to
  o
  go nats!
  ursula: i love that too
  11:10 PM me: a male ballerina!
  i can't believe she left zach braff for that :P
  ursula: HAHA
  11:12 PM me: NATS!
  omg annette
  heartbreaking
  she's not going to win
  11:13 PM rabbit hole?
  ursula: didn't see it
  11:14 PM me: who did!
  11:15 PM AHH THERE SHE IS
  11:16 PM i just died
  11:17 PM ursula: me too!!!!!
  me: SHE'S GONNA CRY
  11:19 PM ursula: ANNE
  WHY
  me: I KNOW
  I KNOW
  11:20 PM ursula: they will never ask her again
  me: that color is so bad
  my brother is watching this with me
  how weird
  what does your dad say
  11:21 PM ursula: in general?
  me: about the oscars?
  ursula: not much lately
  he pegged natalie
  but everyone did
  11:22 PM awww I love Jeff Bridges
  me: :D
  me too
  eww jesse
  11:23 PM ursula: not a fan?
  me: nope
  but i like sandra is doing this
  ursula: me too. she's really classy right now
  11:24 PM me: god
  i love her
  go you bitch
  11:25 PM ursula: i love her too
  COLIN!!!!!!!
  me: :D :D :D
  11:26 PM he's so humble, which i like
  ursula: i do too
  i loved him in love actually
  11:28 PM me: :D
  YES
  ursula: so sweet!
  11:29 PM me: ps22!!!! <3
  i love colin
  his personality made me a fan
  ursula: i do too!
  i know!
  11:31 PM me: :)
  11:32 PM social network?
  ursula: probably king's speech
  11:33 PM me: i liked kids are all right and the fighter and black swan and true grit
  but
  prob social network or king's speech
  11:34 PM ursula: yes
  11:35 PM me: poor toy story
  never had a chance
  ahh
  omg
  11:36 PM ursula: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  yay!
  11:37 PM me: :)
  your closing thoughts?
  11:38 PM ursula: why does Helena look so mad?
  now she doesn't
  11:39 PM me: she's married to tim burton
  maybe?
  11:40 PM ursula: is she???
  omg
  that makes so much sense!
  me: lmao
  11:41 PM whoa anne
  trying to be a trashbag
  ursula: ANNE IS ELEVEN YEARS OLD
  
  in conclusion, what a strange year!

3 New Lana Songs Come Out From Upcoming Album "Blue Banisters"

Not even that far off from "Chemtrails Over The Country Club" being released this past March, Lana Del Rey dropped three new singles off her upcoming project, "Blue Banisters." They include the title track, "Text Book," and "Wildflower Wildfire." All three songs seem to merge the worlds of "COCC" with "Norman Fucking Rockwell," specifically Lana's mouthful of a track "Hope is a Dangerous Thing for a Woman Like Me To Have But I Have It." They also seem uncharacteristically more confessional than most of Lana's catalog to date, specifically "Wildflower Wildfire," which alludes to a conflict with her mother. She even starts the track with "Here's the deal," readying to show more of her backstory than she ever has in her decade-plus-long career. The three songs are gorgeous - especially "Text Book," which has a haunting quality to it (she mentions "Black Lives Matter" i

The Useless Critic 2.0

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