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Dear Whole Foods Check-out Boy: An Epic Poem

Dear Whole Foods Check-Out Boy,




I already misrepresent you;     

You are not a "boy" at all,

But rather 

A young man in his early to mid twenties.

And I think I may love you.


Do you go to school here?
Grad school? (I hope)
Carnegie Mellon?
University of Pittsburgh?
What do you study?
History?
Creative Writing?
Anthropology with a specialization in
New World Primates? (I hope not)
Nothing against the monkeys.
I just don’t want you to love them more than me,
Like it seemed my Human Evolution professor did.
(Than his fiance, not me)

I felt that my shopping cart contents represented me well today.
Organic eggs, goat's cheese, savoy cabbage
Dried figs, one avocado, honeycrisp apples
"Cooks"
"Not vegan"
Is this too perfect?
Does it seem like I have a strict diet/am weird about what I eat?
Because I don't/am not.
I'm just generally trying to eat better.
(I gained some weight after working in a bakery.
Not that I care/think about that stuff.)
Except just know that I'm usually about six pounds thinner.
Not that you care.
You're not that superficial.

But, if you want to be with a "girl" who
Eats cheese fries.
Will split a warm chocolate chip cookie with you.
I am that girl, too.

I feel that we are equally attractive. 
And I've been told that ideal human mates are equally as attractive as each other.
So this is science talking.
I've already described you to the members of my Hamlet cast
And my roommate
As
Beautiful,
Perfect,
Heart-Stopping
So I hope you don't think that I think that highly of myself.

But I am pretty lucky
To kind of resemble
A Combo of
Anna Karina
Naomi Watts
Hilary Swank
and
Jennifer Garner
...If you're into that.

If it helps
Just know 
That I didn't always look like this.
I didn't have anyone to dance with in middle school.
"Boys" didn't like me.
And my teeth were really big.
In consequence
I developed a "personality"
And a "sense of humor".
I hope you like it.

Also my hair cut is from August.
I did it myself.
When my hair grows long
It's more
Conventionally
Beautiful.
If that's your thing.

But, I don't think it would be.
Because even though you are classically beautiful.
And could realistically portray such literary figures as 
Angel Clare
Aragorn, King of Men
Or really any
Regency-era male love interest,
You choose to wear your hair like
A character out of
A Cole Porter musical
And this makes you seem
Quirky and off-beat.
How long does it take you to do your hair?

On a similar note
You wore a mustard colored sweater
Which jived well with my
Brown "Dad" sweater.
I bought at the Goodwill 
On East Carson St.

I can dress up too.
Sometimes.

In case you care
There was something in your eyes.
And it's a rare thing.

But you already knew that.


- Rachel McKeon (guest writer/poet)

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