Dear Whole Foods Check-out Boy: An Epic Poem

Dear Whole Foods Check-Out Boy,

I already misrepresent you;     

You are not a "boy" at all,

But rather 

A young man in his early to mid twenties.

And I think I may love you.

Do you go to school here?

Grad school? (I hope)

Carnegie Mellon?

University of Pittsburgh?

What do you study?

History?

Creative Writing?

Anthropology with a specialization in

New World Primates? (I hope not)

Nothing against the monkeys.

I just don’t want you to love them more than me,

Like it seemed my Human Evolution professor did.

(Than his fiance, not me)

I felt that my shopping cart contents represented me well today.

Organic eggs, goat's cheese, savoy cabbage

Dried figs, one avocado, honeycrisp apples

"Cooks"

"Not vegan"

Is this too perfect?

Does it seem like I have a strict diet/am weird about what I eat?

Because I don't/am not.

I'm just generally trying to eat better.

(I gained some weight after working in a bakery.

Not that I care/think about that stuff.)

Except just know that I'm usually about six pounds thinner.

Not that you care.

You're not that superficial.

But, if you want to be with a "girl" who

Eats cheese fries.

Will split a warm chocolate chip cookie with you.

I am that girl, too.

I feel that we are equally attractive. 

And I've been told that ideal human mates are equally as attractive as each other.

So this is science talking.

I've already described you to the members of my Hamlet cast

And my roommate

As

Beautiful,

Perfect,

Heart-Stopping

So I hope you don't think that I think that highly of myself.

But I am pretty lucky

To kind of resemble

A Combo of

Anna Karina

Naomi Watts

Hilary Swank

and

Jennifer Garner

...If you're into that.

If it helps

Just know 

That I didn't always look like this.

I didn't have anyone to dance with in middle school.

"Boys" didn't like me.

And my teeth were really big.

In consequence

I developed a "personality"

And a "sense of humor".

I hope you like it.

Also my hair cut is from August.

I did it myself.

When my hair grows long

It's more

Conventionally

Beautiful.

If that's your thing.

But, I don't think it would be.

Because even though you are classically beautiful.

And could realistically portray such literary figures as 

Angel Clare

Aragorn, King of Men

Or really any

Regency-era male love interest,

You choose to wear your hair like

A character out of

A Cole Porter musical

And this makes you seem

Quirky and off-beat.

How long does it take you to do your hair?

On a similar note

You wore a mustard colored sweater

Which jived well with my

Brown "Dad" sweater.

I bought at the Goodwill 

On East Carson St.

I can dress up too.

Sometimes.

In case you care

There was something in your eyes.

And it's a rare thing.

But you already knew that.

- Rachel McKeon (guest writer/poet)