Skip to main content

Dissecting Your Holidaze: Decoration Style

Did you notice the Useless Critic is all decked out for the holidays? Did it make you barf a little? I hope so. I hope it went down like eggnog.




I have never made a single photo we used in this page. FACT.

the weather lately has been most condusive to CHRISTMAS (holiday) DECORATING. well it was until like two hours ago when this wet snow shit started. wow, God. how hard is it to make real snow and not like, half-frozen pee snow? I have to walk in this crap. THANKS GOD, THANKS A LOT.

whose homoerotic fantasy is this picture from? certainly not mine.

that being said, we decorated our house in red lights, which means at some point I will wander outside, half-asleep, and think I'm in Carrie. Then the ghost of Karen Carpenter will come to me, singing something about heading to Pennsylvania for some homemade pumpkin pie and lots of weeping will ensue. man, on some of these Carpenters songs, do you ever get the urge to just like interject into the music and be like YOU MEN SHUT UP, KAREN IS THE ONLY TALENTED MEMBER OF THIS GROUP, THAT'S WHY SHE DIED AND YOU ALL WENT DOWNHILL. JUST SHUT UP AND PLAY THE PIANO RICHARD.



that aside, let's talk about CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS. and what is in this season (2011) according to the geniuses at Google Images.


file this fine display under the following:


- stuff my mom will likely buy from a department store after Christmas
- WHOLLY UNREALISTIC. what is a PENGUIN doing driving a sleigh? my god, penguins are SOUTH POLE. I would not throw my weight behind this because of the fiction involved. Children can't accept that penguins are Arctic creatures. I'm pretty sure Santa doesn't frolic with the penguins. No they are down in Antarctica chilling on their dwindling land mass. thanks global warming! <3 you make our summers longer and our winters worse and our floods MORE BIBLICAL. 


also, the person responsible for such a display will probably live in either Illnois or Indiana or somewhere we can call Satan's bunghole. GPS it....there is such a place.


MORE CARPENTERS NECESSARY. GET IN THE SPIRIT OR I'LL FIND YOU NEXT APRIL AND BLAST "TOP OF THE WORLD" OUTSIDE YOUR BEDROOM WINDOW.



here is a Japanese Christmas display. question:  what separates this from an American display? answer:  SHRUG AT LEAST SOMEONE STILL LIKES US.


I'm torn between love and hatred for this. one, it makes me think I'm in a LL Bean catalog. two, it makes me think I should be sitting by a hearth stroking a polar bear. three, look how hypnotized those old people are by the lights! hearts and stuff. I bet this is what Gwen Stefani's Christmas looks like.




do we notice a pattern? I wish you were here so I could hit you with a candy cane. or menorah. or candy cane menorah.


DISPLAY 3




I love this. I want this. I want to wake up in this every morning for the rest of my life. this embodies class. A+ you stay away from me with those needles! don't you pop the dream!


also:  THIS is amazing



when I think Kwanzaa, my next thought? Homer Simpson. d'oh.

Is your goal this Christmas to blind your neighbors? good for you! everybody knows blind people are happy people. and may be they'll make you some nice food or shit.


behold your muse! top this Goliath baby. 


but let's not forget that the most important about the holidays is spending time with your family and loved ones or one or the other because they're not always the same...;)




THESE PEOPLE ALL HATE YOU

conclusion: at least you've got Karen.


but not really. she died a long time ago and they made several movies regarding her death. one they made with Barbies. creepy creepy creepy.

here are some websites to check out while you get ready to fashion your proper Festivus accommodations:

see you in December!

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

3 New Lana Songs Come Out From Upcoming Album "Blue Banisters"

Not even that far off from "Chemtrails Over The Country Club" being released this past March, Lana Del Rey dropped three new singles off her upcoming project, "Blue Banisters." They include the title track, "Text Book," and "Wildflower Wildfire." All three songs seem to merge the worlds of "COCC" with "Norman Fucking Rockwell," specifically Lana's mouthful of a track "Hope is a Dangerous Thing for a Woman Like Me To Have But I Have It." They also seem uncharacteristically more confessional than most of Lana's catalog to date, specifically "Wildflower Wildfire," which alludes to a conflict with her mother. She even starts the track with "Here's the deal," readying to show more of her backstory than she ever has in her decade-plus-long career. The three songs are gorgeous - especially "Text Book," which has a haunting quality to it (she mentions "Black Lives Matter" i

"Anchors" - AM Higgins

Here's a nice breezy, almost sensual song from AM Higgins (the solo project of musician Annie Toth) to start your Tuesday off right.  Her debut album "Hymning" will be out November 5th on Victorialand Records. The album was mixed by Casey Foubert, a frequent collaborator of Sufjan Stevens. The album "captures the first years of moving from an American city to rural France." Sounds like "Hymning" will be a welcome escape from the world we live in right now, especially considering that Annie Toth counts poets Mary Oliver and Thomas Merton as influences.

You Need to Hear This: Concrete Castles

I first heard of First to Eleven a few years ago thanks to the powers of social media. They are a talented young band straight out of my hometown (Erie, PA). Since I've first heard of them, First To Eleven - which primarily were a social media-based cover band - has revealed an original music incarnation, Concrete Castles.  No matter if they're covering songs or releasing their own music, one thing is evident: Concrete Castles is MASSIVELY talented. Anchored by Audra Miller's powerhouse vocals that are vaguely reminiscent of Hayley Williams, Concrete Castles demand your attention. Although they can fall in that sort of amorphous "indie pop" umbrella, I don't think their sound would be amiss on mainstream radio - top 40 or alternative.  "Wish I Missed U" - their debut album - came out earlier this September, and it's an enjoyable, invigorating listen that would probably make those who were raised on emo or fans of CHVRCHES feel at home. Hell, Anth