Skip to main content

Dissecting Your Holidaze: Decoration Style

Did you notice the Useless Critic is all decked out for the holidays? Did it make you barf a little? I hope so. I hope it went down like eggnog.




I have never made a single photo we used in this page. FACT.

the weather lately has been most condusive to CHRISTMAS (holiday) DECORATING. well it was until like two hours ago when this wet snow shit started. wow, God. how hard is it to make real snow and not like, half-frozen pee snow? I have to walk in this crap. THANKS GOD, THANKS A LOT.

whose homoerotic fantasy is this picture from? certainly not mine.

that being said, we decorated our house in red lights, which means at some point I will wander outside, half-asleep, and think I'm in Carrie. Then the ghost of Karen Carpenter will come to me, singing something about heading to Pennsylvania for some homemade pumpkin pie and lots of weeping will ensue. man, on some of these Carpenters songs, do you ever get the urge to just like interject into the music and be like YOU MEN SHUT UP, KAREN IS THE ONLY TALENTED MEMBER OF THIS GROUP, THAT'S WHY SHE DIED AND YOU ALL WENT DOWNHILL. JUST SHUT UP AND PLAY THE PIANO RICHARD.



that aside, let's talk about CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS. and what is in this season (2011) according to the geniuses at Google Images.


file this fine display under the following:


- stuff my mom will likely buy from a department store after Christmas
- WHOLLY UNREALISTIC. what is a PENGUIN doing driving a sleigh? my god, penguins are SOUTH POLE. I would not throw my weight behind this because of the fiction involved. Children can't accept that penguins are Arctic creatures. I'm pretty sure Santa doesn't frolic with the penguins. No they are down in Antarctica chilling on their dwindling land mass. thanks global warming! <3 you make our summers longer and our winters worse and our floods MORE BIBLICAL. 


also, the person responsible for such a display will probably live in either Illnois or Indiana or somewhere we can call Satan's bunghole. GPS it....there is such a place.


MORE CARPENTERS NECESSARY. GET IN THE SPIRIT OR I'LL FIND YOU NEXT APRIL AND BLAST "TOP OF THE WORLD" OUTSIDE YOUR BEDROOM WINDOW.



here is a Japanese Christmas display. question:  what separates this from an American display? answer:  SHRUG AT LEAST SOMEONE STILL LIKES US.


I'm torn between love and hatred for this. one, it makes me think I'm in a LL Bean catalog. two, it makes me think I should be sitting by a hearth stroking a polar bear. three, look how hypnotized those old people are by the lights! hearts and stuff. I bet this is what Gwen Stefani's Christmas looks like.




do we notice a pattern? I wish you were here so I could hit you with a candy cane. or menorah. or candy cane menorah.


DISPLAY 3




I love this. I want this. I want to wake up in this every morning for the rest of my life. this embodies class. A+ you stay away from me with those needles! don't you pop the dream!


also:  THIS is amazing



when I think Kwanzaa, my next thought? Homer Simpson. d'oh.

Is your goal this Christmas to blind your neighbors? good for you! everybody knows blind people are happy people. and may be they'll make you some nice food or shit.


behold your muse! top this Goliath baby. 


but let's not forget that the most important about the holidays is spending time with your family and loved ones or one or the other because they're not always the same...;)




THESE PEOPLE ALL HATE YOU

conclusion: at least you've got Karen.


but not really. she died a long time ago and they made several movies regarding her death. one they made with Barbies. creepy creepy creepy.

here are some websites to check out while you get ready to fashion your proper Festivus accommodations:

see you in December!

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Give JR a Break

Recently, I've been reading some sites that have criticized James Roday, the lead actor on the USA show PSYCH for an apparent weight gain. But you know what? Who gives a flying fizzle stick if James Roday is slightly larger than he was 4 years ago. Apparently, it wasn't enough to scare away his current girlfriend/ co-star Maggie Lawson. (Who is one hell of a Catch!) And NO they are not engaged. That seems to be nothing more than a rumor, but there is a very high chance of it happening in the near future. Anyway, as long as PSYCH continues to entertain I don't mind about James Roday's waist. He, and Dule Hill, and Corbin Bernson too, can eat all the fried broccoli they want. The last episode of PSYCH wasn't so smashing, but I don't blame it on dietary issues. QATFYG: Are you keeping up with Psych? And who is hotter, James Roday or Maggie Lawson? (Trick Question but idk why) PS: If you have heard any more news on Roday and Lawson becoming Roday-Lawson, send it

"Mon Soleil" - Ashley Park

If there's anything people take away from my piss-poor legacy, I hope it's what a huge, unabashed fan of "Emily in Paris" I am and will continue to be. People love "90 Day Fiancee," "The Bachelor," and other garbage - allow me "Emily," which is at least harmless, kind of goofy fluff (which does, unfortunately, lean into some stereotypes, as the country of Ukraine knows ). I have already watched Season 2 twice. And honestly my favorite part of this show (despite my crush on Camille Razart and Lily Collins channeling Audrey Hepburn hardcore ) is Ashley Park. This woman has superstar written all over her. She's a bona fide Broadway star, and "Emily in Paris" has served as her pivot into the zeitgeist.  "Emily in Paris" is also showcasing her vocal prowess front and center this season, with her covering BTS, "All By Myself," "Sympathtique," and Marilyn Monroe. But the real standout performance is th

No Time to Fuck: The Goldfrapp Essay

Konnichiwa! This is Irina Cummings and I'm here to discuss one of the most brilliant, innovative, and creative artists in the entire history of mankind: Goldfrapp – or as I like to call them , GODfrapp – the fantastique, highly inspirational, and sometimes criminally overlooked electronic music duo from London consisting of Alison Goldfrapp and Will Gregory, whose godly music has certainly influenced the vast majority of today's synthpop ladies, including Lady Gaga, Little Boots, La Roux, Annie and Florence + the Machine (not electro but still worth your while). They're primarily known for their mind-blowing music (which have spanned pretty much every style of electronic music – and some non-electronic as well), their abstract, sexually ambiguous – at times forthright – lyrics which are often not gender- specific , and their elaborate shows, not to mention the amazing visual aesthetics of their work, conjuring images that masterly complement