American Trailer Tramp: The Brittany Kemp Pop album review

disclaimer: I am writing this as a spoof of the Lana Del Rey reviews I keep encountering...rather holier-than-thou....here's an example.

Who is she and where did she come from? Does it matter? Whenever she returns to whatever meth capital she crawled out of, the sooner the better! I mean, meth is profitable, and guaranteed her voice is 90 percent autotune, she has more of a career in THAT than modern music. Somewhere, friends, Katy Perry is convulsing and crying. Convulsing, crying. Rinse and repeat.

Back in August, Brittany Kemp made the musical rounds with her song "Pinball Machine," which was quick to become a youtube sensation. The video was renowned for its redubbing of several Designing Women episodes. The song's lyrics were stale and predictable, if NOT a just....weird. As we hear Kemp's nicotine-infiltrated voice warble "When we have sex/I go back and forth/like a pinball ball/balllllll/boo-boo-de-boo." Whatever kind of sex this weirdo is having, I don't want to BE having. Ever. Keep your S and M freakyness to yourself, bloated white Rihanna.

Then, she appeared on The View for her television debut. Which was as painful to watch as it was to type. Kemp appeared to be in some kind of gigantic tampon apparatus. What was better than actually hearing her fail to perform her only TWO songs to date was Barbara Walters' face while Kemp flailed around pathetically like a trout that has been dropped on land too soon. And that could be the whole name of this game.....too soon.

"Did Brittany Kemp break the View? I think so #moron" Kirstie Alley tweeted in the aftermath of that fiasco. IF the View could be broken, one thinks this would have been accomplished by Joy Behar's voice years ago.

So now finally her debut album is here, American Trailer Tramp. If song titles like "I'm Your Nightmare Slut From 1973" with choruses that ring like "where is my coke attt? WHERE IS MY COKE ATTTT?" don't tell you how abysmal this effort is, well, then perhaps you will just have to (try very hard) to listen to it, in its awful and uncompromising entirety.

here are some running themes with the 12 song album:

- sanitary napkins
- doing coke
- doing coke while it snows in Aspen
- Ryan Reynolds
- living in a trailer in the middle of Brooklyn
- there, somehow, being trailers in the middle of Brooklyn
- I Heart Huckabees
- bowling
- trying to do coke while bowling
- and failing. miserably.

American Trailer Tramp seems like it was a good idea when Kemp was probably on several drugs at the same time, but in the unflinching light of day, it is a night-mare. Worse yet is Kemp, a legacy child, clinging to the misguided fact she is some poor-nobody-hit-it-big. Fact: this girl went to preschool in Monaco. I doubt she's ever worn overalls from Wal-Mart while skating around the mall. Let's get our information straight.

"I didn't ask to be famous," she said in an interview with NPR. "Just like Keyboard Cat, it kind of happened."

And just like Keyboard Cat, may she go away to some mythical meth lab that will hopefully explode.

......

HAPPY 3 YEAR ANNIVERSARY
<3

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