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Gifts To Be Given And Not Seen Again

Hello, all. I have been contemplating gifts a lot lately, mostly because (ADVERB ADVERB) I need to buy something for my mother's birthday this Saturday. and because I am a.) a little broke and b.) across the country, I'm not sure what's like, reasonable. People tell me to send stuff but they do not UNDERSTAND MY AVERSION TO THE POST OFFICE.


I have aversions to the following things:
- the post office
- phones


shudder


The best/important/practical thing about a gift is that it's usable or heartfelt. I have received some awesome and sweet and meaningful gifts in the past. I can't rank some of the gifts that meant the most to be, that'd be TMI and even I, an internet blabbermouth, have my limits. 


some of the gifts I have been given that have been rather nice over the years and it doesn't pain me at all to admit it:


- the stuffed Pooh I received when I was five. this was amazing to me; it was a Christmas gift. I remember the bright yellow bundle of fur under the tree and me running up to it and freaking out at 5 am in the morning. and then I remember fighting with my brother who then proceeded to drag me across the carpet. Indian sunburn for a week. My brother has deleted his facebook so I will just go and assume the internet is dead to him. HI JOE.


- when for some reason, my parents gave me This Side of Paradise for Easter. I had read Gatsby the year before, but the earlier book (Fitzgerald's debut) OPENED MY EYES. OPENED THEM. OPENED MY EYES. I marked the hell out of that book, folded it and bent it and loved it. It's still in my bookshelf at home, all yellow and covered in pencil scratches.


- a dog. oh wait; that was a lie. 






and I have given some kickass gifts, dare I say:


- the Wine on the Lake tickets my parents can't use.


that's about it. 


but, again, in the spirit of digression I have yet digressed. boo ba boo ba da doop. sorry. 


I have been given some rather strange gifts, through the years. And it really is strange as to WHY these things would be given as gifts. ahem:


- a soapmaking kit. I'm still in awe that as an eight year old someone thought it was a grand idea to send me a KIT TO MAKE SOAP. do you know what happened? I PULLED A SEINFELD AND REGIFTED THAT SHIT. well, not me. but my mom. same difference, I'll be her in 20 or so years.


- a Jewel album. 


- a Snuggie. this perhaps hurts the most. the year beforehand, I had written an editorial on why Snuggies were useless and dehumanizing, something I still hold to be believable to some degree. but yet my parents bought me one. as if to say "fuck you, Brittany." I believe someone may have worn it for a photo shoot in college; I don't know. my sister really lucked out though, they gave her a leopardprint one. sexay, you know? match.com profile material, more or less.


I'm not completely out of the red, here. I have given some shitty gifts, too. which frightens me a little- I mean I know I'm capable of smart giftgiving (the year I bought everyone BOOKS ON AMAZON was a personal victory) but not all the time. 


examples:


- when I was a child, I thought my dad could really use a cardboard tube to golf with. so I colored it with a red marker, wrote "TURBOGOLF" on the side and gave it to him. where did I find it, eventually? da garbage. I can't blame him; if it had been my Asian child, I would have backhanded it and said "crawl back up your mother."


- all the mixed CDs I have made that have gone unlistened to. you probably have one.


- when I decided to give Jon all my mother's old aerobic tapes from the 1980s. oh she flipped shit when she discovered that! like, woman, you have a DVD player. GET OVER IT.


there you have it. I wish I had something a la Carrie Bradshaw to state about this situation, like some very belated revelation, but I've got nothing, as usual. which is also the state of my belongings right now. sweet nothing. 


oh, also, ALSO, fellow writer LizRo and I met Beyonce this weekend. Beyonce is possibly the greatest gift in the history of giftgiving, this side of the Trojan horse. 


question(s):  best gift you've given? best gift you've gotten? BEST GIFTS TO BE FOR-GOTTEN?

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