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2 Broke Girls recap: And Martha Stewart Have a Ball (Part 1)

Hello, mah darlings! (Imagine that being said with the most affected British accent ever.) I'm here to present you with my own personal recap of the season one finale of 2 Broke Girls, a.k.a. the best sitcom around (don't even try to argue otherwise unless you're looking to get stabbed in the eye with my killer heels), which stars goddess Kat Dennings and Beth Behrs. I know, I'm just a little late considering this particular episode aired last Monday, but I loved it so much, and my mind was bubbling with ideas as soon as I finished watching it. I admit, it's also a shameless ploy to spread some of the best quotes the episode produced—for real, I literally live for this show's quotes.

As its title suggests, the one-hour season finale features a special guest spot from none other than Martha Stewart. Be advised that this post might contain spoilers, in case you haven't yet watched the episode for some reason

As usual, things start at the Williamsburg diner where our favorite gurls, Max and Caroline, work. Max spots a man wearing some odd Victorian (or rather, steampunk) outfit and typing on an old-fashioned typewriter. Of course, being her usual witty, snarky self, Max just had to mock the poor guy.

Max: Wow! Bummer, dude. You have a time machine and somehow it got programmed to this crap diner?
Guy: I must admit, I am quite taken with steampunk.
Max: Oh, steampunk! Right, I remember that trend. It happened for, like, ten seconds back in 2000-and-are-you-kidding-me? Dude, seriously, you're sitting in a public place tap-tap-tapping on an oldie typewriter? What are you? In The League of Extraordinarily Pretentious Gentlemen?
Guy: Aren't you being a little aggressive?
Max: Yup. That's how people are here in the present where we live. But don't get me wrong, I'd like to go back in time, too. Maybe stop 9/11 or that creep who had sex on my shoe, but I can't.
Guy: Present? Where's that uniform from? Like, 1998?
Max: Oh, stop, or I'm gonna have to shoot you with a Smith & Wesson I'm currently packing in my bloomers.

Later on, Caroline asks the others in the diner to help her and Max choose four cupcake flavors to present at an important meeting with party planner Paul Platt, who is the it guy in Manhattan. Oleg, the pervy Ukrainian cook, comes out of the kitchen and announces his plans to get Sophie (a Polish woman played by Jennifer Coolidge) backhe now "lays low and waits in bushes like determined jungle cat." "Or a rapist," replies Max. Can I just take this moment to say how much I love the sexual innuendos and the politically incorrect nature of this show? That's one of the things that got into the show in the first place, besides, well, Kat Dennings, but there's also a certain heart-warming quality to it that you don't get from a lot of sitcoms, especially when it comes to Max and Caroline's friendship.

One of the recurring jokes of this episode is how Han, the Korean owner of the diner, is constantly pointing out Caroline's self-centered behavior. According to him, all she ever talks about is the cupcake business or her beloved horse Chestnut, which she had previously had to give away. From that we learn some really life-changing facts about Han: he used to ride horses all the time in Korea, he was training to be a jockey (but was too short for that—who'd have guessed?), and he has a pet ferret named Alvin. "And Alvin's telling his friends he has a pet named Han," Max jokes.

Sophie storms into the diner with a plunger in her purse, saying Caroline texted her to hurry over because she didn't know Max was pregnant and she was giving birth over a toilet. It was actually Oleg who stole Caroline's phone and texted Sophie because he needed a reason to get her over there. In another attempt to impress her, he bought a Lincoln Town Car, and started a new car service with the slogan, "Lie back and I will ride you till you tell me to stop." Classy. But Sophie is more interested in the cupcakes, as she helps herself with one of those.

Caroline: That's our Salty n' Spice for our more adventurous customers. Also, for the uptight white people, we have the very, very vanilla which is, big surprise, my favorite. And this is our Beer-Batter Maple Bacon Spring Break cupcake.
Max: That's for stoners, and big surprise, my favorite.

Finally, at Paul Platt's office, Max and Caroline are stuck with his assistant Brody, who Max fondly calls "the poor man's John Cusack." While in the waiting room, Max spots a curious piece of art hanging on the wall: "The word 'party' at a party planner's? Little obvious. Like me having art that says 'will die alone.'" Ugh, she's my role model for life.

Suddenly, she realizes the piece of art is signed by "j. Peg," which is Johnny's tag. Here's the 411 on Johnny: he's a graffiti artist played by hunky actor Nick Zano, who earlier on the show had a fling with Max, even though he had a girlfriend, Cashandra. Perhaps this next dialogue will make things a bit easier to understand:

Max: Yo, what's the deal with this art?
Brody: It's a street artist. Everyone's getting really into him now.
Max: Oh, yeah? He was trying to get into me a few months ago.
Caroline: It was more emotional than that. He cheated on his girlfriend with her and then blew her off.

Brody ultimately tells the girls that Paul doesn't want to associate with anyone named Channing because of Caroline's father, who is in prison for operating a Ponzi scheme. Back in the girls' apartment, Sophie is visiting Max as she texts on her flashy cell phone.

Max: You know there's a phone stuck to that gay Furby, right?

Sophie: Yes, this is from my favorite store on 14th Street, Rhinestoned. Oh, it's just a text from my driver. He's waiting out front.
Max: Why don't you just invite Oleg inside?
Sophie: I'm not sure yet he deserves to come inside.
Max: Well, from what I heard, he's already come inside.
Sophie: [laughs] Oh, Max, I love it when you're dirty!

Don't we all love it? Caroline comes back from talking to her father's lawyer, carrying a bunch of hate mail that was being held at her old post-office box:

Caroline: It's like the end of Miracle on 34th Street, only everyone's calling me a bitch.
Sophie: Oh, come on, not everyone is calling you a bitch. [pulls out a letter from the pile and reads it] "Dear bitch, I hate you."
Max: [reading from another letter] "If I ever see you on the street, I will..." Shake your hand and wish you well, as you have been through so very much.
Caroline: That is not what that says.
Max: It might be. It's hard to read his actual words, as they are written in blood.

I laughed so hard at this part. I LOL'ed through pretty much the entire episode actually.

Sophie finds an invitation to the Metropolitan Museum of Art's annual gala addressed to Caroline. Caroline, however, is upset because everybody hates her and everything's been taken away from her. In an attempt to cheer her up, Sophie reads off the celebrities that are on the list: "Martha Stewart, Justin Timberlake... Ooh, Hugh Jackman! Oh, I like to call him 'Huge' Jackman, because I bet he has a big penis." If that isn't enticing enough, I don't know what is. Max is the one who nails it, though, as she brings Chestnut to see Caroline, whose breath, according to Max, is like she "went down on a Brussels sprout" because she hadn't been out of bed for two days. Yuck.

"Don't breathe on him either! His whole head is a nose, he can't handle that."

After being long gone, Johnny—lookin' fine as ever—reappears unexpectedly at the diner to a very warm welcome from Earl, the black chashier.

Earl: Well, well, well, Johnny. If it isn't the famous street artist.
Johnny: Well, I'm hardly famous.
Earl: You got that right. My remark was laced with sarcasm.
Johnny: Can you tell Max I'm here?
Earl: That depends. Are you still a two-timing bum?
Max: [walks in] That's his name, don't wear it out.

Okay, right now I'm having a really hard time keeping my hand away from my coochie

Ouch. After that, Max rushes into the freezer to tell Caroline that Johnny is in the diner.

Max: Why is he here? It can't be to eat. He's "made it," he eats "made it" food now.
Caroline: Well, obviously, he's here to see you. Or else he won the award for biggest lying jerk in New York, and this is the first stop on his press tour.
Max: Well, I don't know why he's here, but you better come with me. He looks really good, so I'm not listening to a thing coming out of his pretty mouth.

Oh, I know that feeling so well. See, a few years ago, I knew this guy who was kinda like Johnny. I say "kinda" 'cause frankly, not only he wasn't nearly as hot, but I dare to say he was twice the asshole Johnny was. Anyway... Johnny soon reveals that he dropped by to tell Max he's moving to Manhattan and getting married there—and it's not to Cashandra, but rather someone he met a couple months ago. He also wants to order one of Max's cupcakes.

In response, Max goes on about how she and Caroline are planning to discuss their cupcake business to Martha Stewart at the Met Ball, since Caroline got invited and she goes every year. "None of it's a big deal, just two girls who are making it but who choose to stay in Brooklyn 'cause we're cool," she finalizes before fiercely walking away. Johnny, while paying Caroline for the cupcake, tells her how he's been doing pretty well as an artist, selling a lot of his stuff. "Really? We hadn't heard," she answers, no less fiercely. "And there's your cupcake. In case you didn't notice, that container's to go," she adds, then walks away. Again, ouch.

Caroline goes into the freezer to find Max punching cheesecakes, which is her "version of going to bed for two days." Caroline has the brilliant idea of actually talking to Martha Stewart at the gala and taking their best cupcake to her—she even has a Judith Leiber jeweled cupcake purse to smuggle the cupcake in. "Great, you have a cupcake and a cupcake purse," Max replies. "What else are we gonna wear to the ball, Cinderella? Are the rats in the alley gonna whip us up some ball gowns? I mean, it's not exactly like we have a fairy godmother." Ironically, at this very moment, Sophie bursts in and shows the crown and wand she bought at Rhinestoned. Max is finally convinced: "Get your cupcake on, 'cause we're gonna get balled."

Curious to know if our girls will successfully manage to reach Martha Stewart in hopes to further their cupcake business venture? Stay tuned for Part 2 of my special recap and find out! Or else...


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