This True Blood Recap is Little Better than Us Weekly!

  

Episode 3: Whatever I Am, You Made Me

Authority Escapades

Lots of stuff happens in vampireland this episode. The council argues some more, but Roman ultimately decides to use Bill and Eric to hunt down Russell. After he has the boys taken away, Roman calls for the “new Nan Flanagan.” Surprise! It’s Steve Newlin! And he’s just itching to spin some bullshit for the idiotic humans. Not so fast, Roman says as he takes Steve’s face in his hands. Roman is of the notion that humans are the vampires’ ancestors. And if the mortals ever get the notion to rise up against the vampires, they’ll wipe the bloodsuckers off the map. Steve is callous at first, but once he gazes into Roman’s dreamy, piercing eyes, he agrees. That Roman sure is persuasive. Did I say persuasive? I meant sexy as all get-out.

Veronica Mars alum alert! Aside from Veronica, the snarky, computer-hacking Mac was my favorite character on that show. So imagine my excitement to see Tina Majorino as vampire Molly fitting Bill and Eric each with their very own “iStake” (imagine an exploding bomb collar, except a sleek cross strapped to their chests--also, see pic above). When Bill inquires how the iSteaks are triggered, Molly says “There’s an app for that. No, really.”

I'm going to pretend Molly is Mac as a vampire.

Later, Salome (who, by the way is the Salome, from the Bible) schemes her way into Bill’s—and later, Eric’s—pants. Can’t say I blame her. And was it just me, or did anyone else want to rip that ridiculous rat’s nest off of her head?

Seriously. Just fucking rip out her weave.

Elsewhere, Nora gets tortured by Businesswoman Vampire, they exchange a few barbs, and Nora ultimately confesses to being part of the Sanguinista movement. Or is she? I still don’t have a strong grasp on her character. But maybe I won’t have to because it seems like she’s gonna meet the true death.

Later, Bill and Eric reveal they’ve both slept with Salome in as few hours. Bill didn’t say anything at first, but later revels in the fact that Eric got his sloppy seconds. Zing!

Roman has a chat with Salome (still in that awful wig) where she tells him they can trust Bill and Eric; they aren’t Sanguinistas. Roman is less than convinced, and honestly, all Salome did was fuck them. Can’t really fault Roman for not agreeing, especially since Nora just confessed her allegiance, and he’s taking it badly. Salome flips her terrible hair and reminds him they need allies, what with the vampire uprisings happening across the globe. Interesting.

Oh, and then Roman takes his shirt off. No big deal...

I'd add a caption, but I'm too busy drooling.

A Whole Lotta Merlotte’s

After Tara runs around the woods (after fleeing Sookie’s house), she ends up at Merlotte’s. Sam is taking the trash out when he catches a whiff of mediocrity nearby. Tara emerges from the bushes, covered in blood, fangs out. “What happened to you?” he asks.

"No, Sam. I'm fine, really. Totally not a vampire."

He then proceeds to feed her 8000 bottles of Tru Blood. She doesn’t want him to call Sookie or Lafayette. Can’t imagine why. She passes out when dawn breaks, leaving Sam to stick her in the walk-in freezer. I’d say leave her in the noonday sun, but that’s too predictable, even for me.

Oh hey, Sookie and Lafayette work at Merlotte’s! Isn’t that a twist! Before they leave for work, Lafayette foreshadows that sooner or later, Tara’s secret would come out. So imagine Sookie’s surprise later when she reads Sam’s mind: “Look at her boobs, don’t think about the walk-in. Shit! Walk-in walk-in...” This is actually a very cute scene, given the circumstances. I’ve always enjoyed Sam and Sookie, and this conversation felt like something out of season one.

Later that day, Sheriff Andy comes around asking about Debbie Pelt. Lafayette looks on conspicuously as Sookie tells Andy that she hasn’t seen the V-addicted wereskank (paraphrasing here). After Andy leaves, Sookie essentially tells Lafayette to man up, or “act like your normal, fabulous self.”

Lafayette looks on with his best friend, Jack.

That night, Tara wakes up and fucks up everyone’s shit. So now, more people know that Tara is a boring vampire, and Alcide knows something is up with Sookie. Tara is still Tara, but now she’s even more pissed off at everyone. Yeesh. She runs away again. Big surprise there.

Arlene pisses Lafayette off while he’s cooking, and he goes all demon-spirit crazy. He almost serves gumbo with a side of bleach until he stops himself.

Outside, Sookie confesses her crime to Alcide. He’s understandably incensed and leaves. So, it went as well as anyone could have hoped.

The last we see of Tara is her breaking into a tanning salon. She can’t even kill herself right. Just run into a stake!

The Other Vampire on This Show That's Not Pam

Jessica didn’t have much to do this episode. She goes shopping, where she encounters a sexy faerie guy. When she can’t find him, she goes to Jason’s, but he’s having a crisis of sexual faith. He’s tired of filling the void in his heart with sex. Jessica shelves her libido in favor of helping her friend. A cute scene that didn’t play out how I thought. 

 

"When you open your eyes, you'll be an interesting character! Just kidding!"

 

A Pam-tastic Finale!

I think this episode was really all about Pam. We find her in Fangtasia having a fight with Sookie about Tara. Pam shoves Sookie into a table; Sookie zaps Pam into the wall. I love the dynamic between these two. They’re more alike than either would ever admit.

There was a sizable continuation of the flashback last episode. Pam offers Eric his pick of the whorey litter (including Rubber Ruby). But Eric only has eyes for Pam. And also has eyes to stop Lorena and her new progeny, Bill, from draining all the whores in town. At this time, Eric was honorable and proper and Bill was the exact opposite. An interesting role reversal. Plus, it was nice to see Lorena again (RIP you evil and fabulous bitch).

Pam and Eric get it on, and she asks Eric to make her a vampire. He refuses; he’s not ready to have progeny, if ever. And this is where we see a glimpse of the Pam we know now. She slices her wrists open in front of Eric, a fateful ultimatum. She was just as manipulative then as she is now.

In between flashback scenes, we’re treated to Goth Hoyt. He shows up at Fangtasia all in black, with eyeliner; not a bad look for him. Pam says the vamps will eat him alive, but he knows. He’s Goth Hoyt, after all.

Goth Hoyt is goth.

The closing image of the episode is Pam working on Fangtasia’s finances, when she senses Tara being a dumbass. “You stupid bitch.” Indeed, Pam. Indeed. 

Overall, I thought this was a stronger episode than last week's. The storylines progressed well and we got some insight into the Maker/Child vampire dynamic.

Favorite Moment: There were a few. Tina Majorino. Pam's flashback. But I think the winner is Sookie vs Pam. How great was that?! Also, Tara frying herself in a tanning bed.

Least Favorite Moment: Oh, like I really have to tell you. Tara being Tara. Even though I don't like him, Goth Hoyt will be good for a laugh at least.

OMG Moment: This episode was all about surprises. Tina Majorino (again, I know), Bill and Lenora, Pam's origin. Shirtless Roman. Shirtless Roman. Did I mention shirtless Roman?

What did you think of this episode? Are we seeing the foundations of a good season?